Friday, January 6th
123.)
The ride to Stephanie's wasn't as awkward as I expected; we didn't mention the kissing thing even once. Since my mom wasn't home all week, I had written a whole new chapter of Academy Works. I had gone over it with my editor a dozen times, but I didn't want to say anything to Blossom about it until she could read it. She obviously couldn't do that while driving.
When we pulled into the parking lot of Stephanie's office, I hiked my backpack onto my lap and rummaged around for my laptop. I opened it up and typed in my password. Then I turned the computer to her. It was almost fully charged, so it would make it through the hour just fine.
"New chapter," I said smugly. "Read it while I'm in therapy, okay? And take notes."
Before Amy had even gotten out of the car, Blossom had begun to gleefully read, and her eyes went wide with a happy little giggle to match as she skimmed the first paragraph.
"Aya! She's back!"
"Just keep reading," I told her, and closed the car door behind me. The cold winter snow piled up on my shoulders as I rushed into the office complex.
***
"How've you been?" Stephanie asked, tucking her feet under her butt. She sat like a bisexual gamer girl. Yes, that's the right description: Lin would have been proud of it.
"I'm okay, I think," I said, plopping down on the couch and dusting the snow off my coat. Her office didn't have a receptionist, and I was never in the front room for more than a minute.
"That sounds like a half truth," Stephanie inquired, more like a question than a statement of fact. It was like saying "are you sure?" with more words.
"Stuff with Blossom is a little weird," I admitted. "I took your advice: the 'let yourself have a panic attack' thing."
"And?"
"And I threw up in some random guy's lawn," I sulked. I wanted to make it Stephanie's fault that I acted like an idiot.
"Uh... okay... maybe start from the beginning?" Stephanie asked, like a request.
I decided to oblige.
So I told her everything. I told her about the party I didn't really want to go to, about Blossom's friend that I was pretty sure didn't like me (despite what Blossom said), and about kissing her at midnight after the ball dropped on TV. I told her that I would ordinarily never do something like that, because I knew it would upset me. But I did it anyway, because of Stephanie's advice.
"Do you regret it?" Stephanie asked, tilting her head. "It's understandable if you do."
"I... don't know..." I sighed, playing with my fingers in my lap. Stephanie grabbed a set of rings off the side table and leaned forward, handing them to me. I took them.
"They're magnets," she explained. "Keeps your hands busy."
"Oh... right..." I put one of the rings on my index finger and spun the others around it. Pulling them apart. Sticking them together. The tightness of the magnets felt good, like feeling the fabric of the universe in the space between my muscles. Then I turned back to her question.
"Blossom acts like nothing is different, which is fine. But last time we talked about the kiss, she said she wanted to do it more. That was Monday. I'm not sure what to do really..."
"Well, what do you want?"
I shrugged. "I dunno."
"You probably do," Stephanie said plainly, like she was reading off a script. Like Lin, actually. "If you think about it, you probably know what you want. You just don't want to say it, because that makes it too real."
"Ha... maybe." I spun the rings a little faster.
"Well, this isn't the real world," Stephanie said. "My office is like... a really tangible internal monologue. The things you say here can't affect anything else."
Academy Works idea? I shrugged again.
"I want to kiss her..." I mumbled. "I mean, I like her..."
"So what's stopping you?" Stephanie asked.
"I'm just not... good at any of that. I told Blossom that, and she said we could practice. But she also confirmed that I'm not good at it."
"Do you always have to do stuff you're good at?"
"Yes."
"Huh..." Stephanie made that sound, that one when she thought something was interesting.
"Why would I want to do something I'm not good at?"
"Well, I don't know. But isn't that kind of limiting? You can't be good at that many things."
Writing. Baking. Apologizing. That was what I was good at.
"It sounds like Blossom is willing to meet you where you're at," Stephanie added. "And how can you get better at something if you don't do it?"
"Do it quietly," I answered. "Alone. Until you're very good." Like writing. Like baking. Apologizing came naturally, it seemed.
"But you can't kiss alone," Stephanie said, putting together the final piece of the puzzle. "You can't get good at it without Blossom, or someone else."
"I don't need to kiss anyone," I said sharply.
"That's totally true. But you want to. And that's the sticking point. Sometimes wants are more important than needs."
"Does this one have to be?" I sulked.
"I think so, yeah." Stephanie gave an apologetic smile. "It's okay to do something badly, Amanda. It's okay to screw up. There's more to you than what you can offer other people."
"I'm pretty sure society is built on the opposite of that opinion," I argued sourly.
"Society is there to create sustainability. In a way, that means adding responsibility where it's inconvenient. But there's a balance between what you give others and what you get for yourself. Nobody joins a society to get nothing in return."
"So I should kiss Blossom even though I suck at it," I said, bringing everything back to the point. "That's what you're saying."
"I'm saying you should give more weight to your own wants."
"What if what I want is to do everything well?"
"How do you define 'well'? Do you decide what that looks like, or do other people?"
"I decide to let other people decide?" I tried. I was acting like a brat. If this was an ABDL story, she'd give me a stern look and put me over her lap. Instead, Stephanie said very simply:
"The game is a lot easier to win when you pick the rules."
I hesitated. I don't know why, but that sentence made me equal parts irritated and awestruck. It felt like something stupid a child would say. It felt like something Bluey would say. I sunk into the couch and tugged the magnets apart.
"Maybe I don't want the game to be easy," I mumbled.
"Why not?"
"Because." I said that before I had an answer. Then I said: "Because I want to play the right way. I want to feel proud when I win."
"Hm..." Stephanie nodded. "Then just make sure the rules are fair. Make sure you can win. In this case, make sure there's a way you can kiss Blossom, or anyone. Not because I say so, but because that's what you want."
I nodded. It was just like the conversation I had with Blossom about babying her. Maybe I didn't have to ignore the rules or rewrite them, but maybe I needed some amendments. Training wheels, as Blossom would put it.
"You never answered my question," Stephanie said. "The panic attack you had, after kissing Blossom. Do you regret it?"
I shook my head. "No, I don't think I do."
***
(If you are following Academy Works, please read Ch.15 [linked above] and return here to continue the story. If Ch.16 has been released, it is recommended that you DO NOT read it at this time.)
Patreon