205.)

Blossom debated over the two outfit options, but diapers seemed like a big gamble. Even with adult clothing, it put a lot of attention on her underwear, on her kink. It might take away from the childlike vibes Blossom had been setting up all day. In the end, she went with onesie and training pants.

When I came out of the ensuite, Blossom was waiting with clothes laid out on the bed. I wondered if Judith took baths in the ensuite in Academy M. I wondered if she would come out to find Maria having picked out an outfit for her. I made a mental note.

"Here you go," Blossom said. "Do you need any help changing?"

"No thanks." I went over to the bed and picked up the onesie - the one I bought online with the tarot cards on it. And a pair of training pants. The pouty part of my brain wanted to say I didn't need trainers, but the tired part of my brain couldn't get into the trope. And anyway, I was wearing them earlier. I didn't have a good excuse to refuse her. That kind of slippery slope was trademark ABDL logic.

"You get your trainers on and slip into your onesie, but I'll do the snaps, alright cupcake?"

After a pause to see if Amy would argue, Blossom added:

"It's my favorite part~"

Who was I to deny Blossom her favorite part? That was like an intern trying to fire her boss. Or her boss's boss. Or a Supreme Court judge.

I turned away from Blossom before taking off the towel, then pulled the training pants up my legs. The space between my thighs - or lack thereof - was forced apart ever so slightly. Enough to notice. Heat filled my cold brain, like electricity through a coil. But I didn't want to stand around in my underwear, so I pulled the onesie over my head.

Once the onesie was settled down into place, Blossom approached Amy and motioned for her to sit up on the bed so that she could easily access the snaps.

"I love onesies, you know. No adult could wear a onesie and still be an adult. Training pants too. They might be one of the most obvious signs that a little girl is definitely a little girl, don't you agree?"

"Seems a little close-minded..." But to get the snaps together on the onesie, I had to lie down. It felt a lot like a diaper change, and Blossom's words were heavy in the air. Definitely a little girl.

Blossom reached between the training pants and the bed, and her dexterous fingers found purchase on the rear snaps, pulling them forward and up between Amy's legs, compressing the padding against her skin. With the other hand, Blossom began to fasten the snaps to the front part.

One. By. One.

"There's my good girl, barely even fidgeting!"

Blossom helped me up by the hands. I expected to crinkle, because I always crinkled after she was between my legs like that. That was probably not something most girls thought about their girlfriends, huh? My mind splintered off into a tangent about how I wasn't like most girlfriends. How, if Blossom thought about it, I wasn't grown up enough to be a girlfriend. Maybe there was a better role for me...

But all the momentum from that launching point wasn't enough to clear my apathy, like the Challenger in flight.

"There we go, cute as a button. C'mon cutie, let's go watch some TV for a bit. I bet you're tired; you can put your head in my lap, okay?"

Prescriptive language was usually how Blossom got her way with impressionable people. As a caregiver, it was no less effective.

I didn't get much of a say. Blossom led me by the hand out to the living room, where she sat down on the couch and pulled me down next to her. She didn't put my head in her lap, but she did lean into the corner of the sofa and pull me into her chest. I pulled the blanket off the back of the sofa and put it over my legs. It took some maneuvering, but before long I was pretty comfortable.

Then Blossom handed me a sippy cup off the table behind her, the table she had moved across the room. I looked at it, at her, and put it to my lips. I was starting to realize that depression and bratting were not comorbid.

"There's a good girl. There's my good girl."

Blossom reached for the remote and began scrolling through things on the TV. Something cute and engaging, but a little bit mindless. Nothing serialized. Maybe that ghost show. It didn't need to be nostalgic, just enough to drown out intrusive thoughts.

I figured Blossom would put on Little Einsteins, but she wasn't as predictable as I thought. Instead, she put on a cartoon I'd never seen before. My investment in the show was so low that it was an easy distraction. I only finished half the sippy cup, then kept the cup in my lap. I held it with both hands and tried to put my knees together. I could do it, but it was a bit of a challenge. Then again, it was a bit of a challenge even in ordinary underwear.

"Do you wanna snuggle down a little more, and put your head in my lap, baby girl? I can play with your hair that way. You have really pretty hair, you know that? I know you know that."

My hair was wet, and when I shifted around on Blossom I could tell that it had soaked into her clothes. But she didn't say anything about it. I didn't either. But after three episodes and shifting down to her lap, my hair was mostly dry and the sippy cup was gone.

I wasn't really watching the show. At first, I was drifting between the TV and my thoughts. Then I was drifting between the TV and nothing in particular. I think I was half-asleep, because it startled me when Blossom slipped out from under me. I looked up at her blearily.

"Shh, don't get up baby. I'm just going to the Big Girl's room for a moment and I'll be right back."

In addition to going to the bathroom, Blossom made use of the opportunity to take Amy's sippy so she could refill it as well.

I didn't get up. I looked at the TV, which was sideways, and my brain was too tired to make it right-side-up. So I closed my eyes again and Blossom was back the next minute.

"Here ya go, cupcake." Blossom inched back into her spot.

I took the sippy cup and sat up a little, so my head wasn't in Blossom's lap. The sun outside was gone. I didn't have my phone on me. Maybe it was time for bed. But I worried that if I laid down now, I'd just wake up in the middle of the night. Or I wouldn't fall asleep at all.

It didn't take a mind reader to know that Amy was sleepy and needed a nap; the girl had been drifting in and out of awakeness for a while. It was 9pm, which meant Blossom only had to get her through three more hours of her birthday.

"You should nap if you're tired, sweetheart," Blossom said quietly. "I'll get some snacks ready and pick out a movie. I'll wake you up when I'm done, alright?"

"If I sleep much more, I don't think I'll sleep tonight," I sighed, rubbing the tiredness from my eyes. I felt like I'd been doing nothing but sleeping for the past few days. Stephanie said that was normal, and that I should "give myself some grace" when things were bad and I couldn't do anything about it. But I just felt lazy and useless.

"Well, that's a pretty good point. How about you scroll through the movies for me while I make popcorn. Maybe scrolling will wake you up a bit."

Blossom's plans had run out a while back. She was still wondering how to transition into getting Amy diapered for bed, but the mood felt less and less right for something like that. She didn't want to give up hope just yet, but…

Scrolling through movies turned out to be literal. I didn't really care about any of my options, and I didn't really want to watch anything to begin with. I just kept hitting down or right on the remote until Blossom came back.

"I dunno. I couldn't decide on anything."

"That's alright cupcake, I'll pick something."

Blossom had a large bowl of popcorn in her hand, and the smell was pretty damn heavenly in only the way freshly popped popcorn could be. It wasn't Blossom's favorite snack, but when it came to eating mindlessly, there was literally no better choice.

Taking the remote, Blossom scrolled to one of her favorite Disney films and pressed play on Zootopia. By the time it was over, it was almost midnight.

Blossom and I didn't really do anything interesting after that. Before bed, I had to use the bathroom, and she helped me undo my onesie. Then she snapped it back up for me when I was done. It was kind of cute, in a "take a little kid to the bathroom" kind of way. But she didn't even push for a diaper.

When we finally went to bed, sometime around midnight, my head was heavy with exhaustion. I knew I wasn't going to have trouble getting to sleep; I just had to stay that way. Blossom was playing with my hair and my thoughts were too heavy to make any sense, when Blossom asked:

"How are you feeling?"

"I dunno..." I opened my eyes, but it didn't make a difference. It was too dark, and I didn't have my glasses. "I think I'm alright."

"Thanks for letting me take care of you today, Amanda. I love you, you know that, right?" It wasn't a deep question - more of a reminder, followed by a question mark. Simple.

"Mmhmm. I know."

"I wanted to do more..." Blossom lamented.

"I know... but I think you did enough."

Earlier that day, I told Stephanie that there were two outcomes. One, my bad mood would infect my Little self, and I'd wind up worse than I started. Or two, I'd feel better and all my feelings would feel stupid and worthless. But Blossom gave me a third option, somewhere in the middle. I had some Little feelings, but I had some big ones too. Big, scary feelings, and they didn't feel stupid or worthless.

I felt bad and good, but it wasn't bad or good. It just was what it was. I guess that was the best I could hope for today. There was no right answer, and there was no perfect ending. I just had to give myself a little bit of grace.