201.)

"So how has your day been going?" Stephanie asked.

"Oh, you know. About as well as I thought it would."

"How are you feeling, then?"

I shrugged. Talking with her felt harder today. It felt like too much work. I wasn't picking at my fingers, because I wasn't anxious. I wasn't cutting myself like on TV, because I didn't want to hurt myself. I just wanted to crawl into bed and dissolve into fabric softener. I wanted someone to throw me in the laundry with my bedsheets and disappear forever. I just wanted time to move backward, or time to end completely. Either would do.

And fuck, I just had no energy at all.

"What are your plans today with Blossom?" Stephanie asked. "Knowing her, she has something special planned."

"I dunno. Something Little, with a capital L. But I'm not feeling it right now."

"Oh? What's that like?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Like, how are you feeling different than usual? What's it like to feel Little, or not feel Little?"

"Uh... I dunno..." I thought back to my early conversations with Stephanie, when I was explaining acting like a brat. That sometimes I didn't want to be a problem, and other times I wanted someone to put up with me. It was a little bit like that.

"Try to explain it?" Stephanie prompted.

"It's like... I don't want to be Little right now, because there are two outcomes. One: it doesn't help. Then I'm putting myself in a situation where my Little stuff is at risk. Like, what if I get Little feeling, and then I get depressed? Everything is so vivid when I'm like that... I don't want to contaminate it with all this sucky stuff."

"So you're protecting yourself by not allowing yourself to be vulnerable right now. Because, right now, things are volatile."

"That sums it up."

"Well, that makes sense," Stephanie nodded. "Just don't go overboard, you know? You can't find happiness if you aren't looking for it."

"Blossom said something similar," I sighed.

"What about the other thing? You said there were two outcomes?"

"Oh, right. The other outcome is that it does help. And I feel better."

"And that's bad," Stephanie deduced.

"Yes. Because then I feel like all these feelings I have are just... fake. That I don't need to be sad about stuff like this, and I should just get over it. But I am sad about it."

"It feels invalidating," Stephanie said. "Like, you might not like being sad, but it's still what you are. And you want to feel that, even though you don't like the feeling."

"Pretty much," I sighed. "I mean, obviously I'd rather be happy and have everything work out. But this is a big deal to me. And if I'm not sad, is it even a big deal? Does it matter? I want it to matter..."

Stephanie nodded. She was coming to the same realization I was coming to: I didn't want to feel better.

"Emotions have short lifespans," Stephanie finally said. "It's not just fear and anger, but happiness too. Joy is short-lived. Feeling loved is short-lived. Being angry is short-lived. And maybe an emotion comes back, like we get unhappy, then we get happy again. Sometimes we even get happy again for the same reason we were happy the first time. But it all comes back to: emotions don't last very long."

"So I'll be fine, and I shouldn't worry about it," I finished for Stephanie, but she shook her head.

"On the contrary, because our emotions don't last very long, we feel a greater need to hold onto them. If something doesn't persevere, it's so easy to say that it doesn't matter. Like, if you miss the bus to work, but another one is going to come along in five minutes, does it matter that you missed the bus?"

"Unless that five minutes makes you late, then no," I answered, because her question didn't sound rhetorical.

"But it might," Stephanie countered. "Maybe that's the bus your friend was on. Or the next bus doesn't have any good seats. Or getting to the bus on time was a really big personal goal."

"I think those variables change the question."

"They do," she agreed. "Which is why we always try to explain things. Like, you explaining to me why your birthday is such a big deal. You made it matter more, because you explained it."

"I think I'm missing the point of this analogy," I sighed. I didn't have the energy to keep up with her.

"Sorry," Stephanie laughed. "What I'm saying is: emotions don't last very long, and sometimes our reasons for the emotion aren't good enough. But the longer they last, the more they feel like they matter."

"I guess that's true. But that's not really advice."

"I wasn't giving any advice," she said. "I'm telling you that I think your emotions are valid. I think, even without your explanation, the way you feel is real and important. It doesn't matter if it lasts for one minute or for an entire day. If it bothers you at all, then that's enough for me."

"Thank... you?" I felt like I was supposed to say something, but I didn't know what.

"I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry that you have to get older, and that it conflicts with your identity the way that it does. I know there's nothing I can do to help, and there's nothing you can do to change it. It must hurt a lot. Just know, I'm here for you."

I kept waiting for a "but". But, a birthday is only one day of the year. But, you'll get used to it after a while. But, bad things make the good things better. But Stephanie didn't give a "but". She didn't tell me anything was going to get better, and somehow, that made it a little bit better.