91.)

It was too cold to do anything; the Weather app said it was below freezing. The closest city was twenty minutes away, if you wanted something other than a grocery store or a few local restaurants. So we stayed inside.

I showed Blossom how to make lemon poppy seed cupcakes and she showed me an album by Twenty One Pilots. I showed her two songs by Cavetown, so she showed me a music video by Green Day because her dad was into oldies like that. I showed her old Vine compilations from freshman year, so she showed me TikToks about ADHD. Also, maybe I have ADHD.

Then she showed me an animatic for Hamilton, so I showed her an animatic for My Brother, My Brother, & Me, so she showed me a YouTube channel that makes weapons from video games. It didn't have any Xenosaga weapons though.

Then we bought a P.O. Box at the post office in town, which made me feel guilty. Then we looked up other diaper brands and baby clothes and stuff. She got a magical girl onesie with frills along the sleeves from OnesiesDownunder, which was popular on Twitter. I wanted something cute like hers, but I wound up getting a onesie with tarot cards. Tarot was a big thing in Academy Works, and the coincidence was too big to pass up. I wasn't really a cutesy girl anyway, I guess.

We watched a few episodes of The Good Place before bed. My mind wandered to the day before, when Blossom changed me. It was horrible. And I wanted her to do it again. But isn't the polite thing to do to return the favor? Seeing Blossom Brixley naked... it wasn't that weird, was it? Actually, it put me on the same playing field as most of our high school football team. I was so lost in thought that I missed most of the episode.

"You've got something on your mind, cupcake?" Blossom was only so certain because Amy would usually comment on everything Janet did and how perfect she was, and for most of this past episode she hadn't said a single word about Janet. "Wanna talk about it?"

"Oh, uh... no, it's okay." Blossom gave me a look, the kind of look parents give to kids. I sighed. Ugh, I didn't want to talk about this...

"I just... don't know what I'm doing, I guess? I've never had a friend change me into a diaper, so... things feel different?" Not in a bad way, but different nonetheless. It felt transactional. It felt like I had to repay her somehow, otherwise she wouldn't do it again. And I wanted her to do it again.

"Things should feel different, I think. Things would feel different if we made out, wouldn't they? If I pinned you to the doorway and made out with you until you were weak at the knees? Things would feel different. We took a step - a step I loved taking! But I did put you in a diaper, and it does change things, and it's up to each of us to define what that means to us. To me, it means you've imparted a lot more trust in me. And when I think about playing scenes with you now, I think about diapering you. It's nice."

"I guess so..." But that didn't really answer anything; it just confirmed what I already knew. I sunk down into the couch and played with my fingers.

"Did you like it?" Blossom asked. "Me changing you?"

"I think so? Most of it, anyway. I still don't like you seeing me naked, but... well, I didn't die. So, you know. Better than I expected."

"I think if people died when someone saw them naked, we'd have a real problem with sustaining the species, baby girl." Blossom smirked, but she also knew that her humor wouldn't be of the biggest help here.

"So you liked it, and it felt good, and you'd... be open to it happening again? That all sounds pretty good to me. So what're you worried about?"

I shrugged. I knew what was bothering me, but I didn't want to talk about it. She would say "you don't owe me anything in return" or whatever, but that's not how the world works. You don't just get stuff without giving something. Eventually, that person just feels like you're taking advantage of them. I didn't want to take advantage of Blossom. I didn't want her to stop liking me.

"Alright, well, if you give me a shrug then I gotta trust you on that shrug. But I also want you to know that you can change your mind at any time and tell me what's goin' on in that head of yours. I'm not good at prying, but I'm decent enough at helping, I think."

This Blossom was worlds apart from the Blossom she showed to others. The Blossom Brixley who didn't chase people. The Blossom Brixley who told dramatic people to hit the bricks. The Blossom Brixley who had been described, among other ways, as being cold.

I nodded my head. I knew I could trust her, but trust wasn't the issue. It was a matter of social convention. How was I supposed to navigate the politeness of courtesy? People don't always say what they mean.

"We should go to bed," I said, a fake smile on my face. I just wanted to get out of this conversation. I still had fantasies of Blossom diapering me again, but it didn't feel right tonight. After buying breakfast, talking to me about Academy Works, buying that P.O. Box, buying those onesies, and letting me stay here all weekend? I felt like I had to even the score first.

"Wanna cuddle?" Blossom did not push the issue; she was as aware of the fact that Amy wanted out of the conversation.

"Um... sure..." I led the way up the stairs, Blossom following behind. Even this late at night, she was radiant. I didn't understand how she could be so flippant with her emotions. But whatever; it made her easy to read.

When we got in the bedroom, I paused near the bed. Blossom was already in her pajamas - she had been in them all day. I looked at the closet door, then down at my feet. Now or never...

"Um... so if you want, I could... get you... ready? For bed?" I sure hoped she understood what I was saying, because I wasn't sure I could say it more descriptively.

Blossom processed those words in her head for a moment, trying to make sure they meant what she thought they meant, and then pursed her lips thoughtfully.

"Is this something you're offering because you want to, or is it something you're offering because you feel like you should?"

"Uh..." The socially acceptable answer was the first. The correct answer was the second. I opted for an appropriate middle ground. "Both?"

Now that Blossom had that answer, she had to decide what she was going to do about it. There were a lot of consent talks that happened in the sorority, on both implied consent and explicit consent, and how it was always best to be too certain than not certain enough. And "I feel like I should do this" was definitely in that area of red flags.

But Blossom also knew Amy pretty well, and she knew that sometimes Amy needed those veils.

"Do you want the first time you diaper another girl to be because you felt like you had to? Or do you want it to be because you wanted it and that was all you felt?"

Well, I hated that question. Why did it have to matter so much?

"It's not a big deal," I said, a little sour. "You did it. I can do it. And you've spent like all day buying stuff for me. So, like. Fair is fair. Didn't you learn that in engineering school? Newton's First Law?"

"Third law," Blossom corrected.

"Same thing."

"You have to tell me you want to diaper me," Blossom said, "and it has to be because it's what you want and for no other reason. And then you can diaper me."

"I want to diaper you," I said flatly.

"For no other reason," Blossom repeated.

"For no other reason!"

"Well now you're just lying..."

"Ugh..." I groaned and sat on the edge of the bed. "Well you can't diaper me until I do it." It sounded a lot more like a threat in my head.

"Fine. You diaper me, and then I diaper you. That way I know that if you're trying to balance any scales or meet any obligations, I'm undoing that. It's the only way to be sure~"

Her argument was fundamentally flawed. Even if she undid the obligation, I would wind up right back where I started. Except, she would have diapered me. It was a win win. But her stupid question kept rolling around in my head: did I want my first time to be out of obligation?

"Just... go change or something." I hand waved her away.

It was hard for Blossom, because she did want to be diapered by Amy. Of course she did. But it was more important to do good than to feel good. She leaned in and kissed Amy on the forehead, smiled proudly, and went to get changed.

I didn't change. I wanted to, I really did, but I felt like... I don't know, I didn't deserve it or something. Like it was a reward for good girls, and I was doing the wrong thing. I was being selfish, prioritizing my experience over hers. So when Blossom came back five or so minutes later - wearing the same pajamas and a white diaper that poked up over the top of her short-shorts - I was already sick with guilt. I was tucked under the covers, sitting up against the headboard, and I didn't even look up at her.

Blossom crawled onto the foot of the bed, shuffled midway up, and then sat up on her knees so she could better look at Amy. Had Blossom done the wrong thing? Morals were hard.

"You're sad?" Blossom asked.

"I'm fine," I lied. Then I realized that I had lied. I remembered my conversation with Lin about making my problems other peoples' problems. So I took a deep breath and tried again.

"I just don't know how to make any of this up to you... everything I can think of makes me feel sick. And I know what you're going to say: that I don't have to make it up to you. But I still feel like I do, and saying I don't doesn't actually help." I felt tears in my eyes so I closed them.

For a moment, Blossom was quiet and still, because she probably would have said that. But Amy had reminded her that she would, and that gave her pause to think of a different approach. She shuffled closer on the bed and held out her hands, palms upward; an offering for Amy to hold them.

"So how do I help you feel like we're on the same playing field, cupcake?"

"You can't," I sighed. My eyes were still closed. "We aren't on the same playing field."

"And I bet two months ago, you might not have thought that you and I could be spending weekends together and hanging out and playing together. And that just goes to show that playing fields are only what we make them, right?"

She continued to hold her hands out.

"No," I said with an ounce of annoyance. I opened my eyes, noticing how close Blossom was. Her hands were between us. "We hang out together because I write stuff. And you want to read it. And we both have the same kink and I'm kind of your only option if you want to play around with someone. That doesn't even out anything; that's just circumstance tilting things in my favor."

"I thought we hung out because we were friends, cupcake. I know we started out with this... client/business relationship thing going on, but I thought over time we'd developed past that and into actual friendship. Am I wrong?"

There was something unusual in Blossom's voice, something altogether... uncommon for her, even rare. She sounded hurt.

"I don't know..." I hesitated. Her hands were still in front of me, so I looked at those instead of at her face. Friends with Blossom Brixley... it's true that I sometimes saw it that way, but friendship only lasts if you put in the work. I wasn't putting in any work.

"We spent all day listening to music and watching YouTube videos," Blossom went on. "Sure, we did some Academy, and we bought some onesies. But I think the bigger part of our day was spent as friends."

"I think we're friends," I sighed. I was talking without thinking. "I just don't want to mess it up by being selfish..."

"That's a pretty big worry. Do you think you're a selfish girl?" Blossom fell backward onto her butt, with her legs slightly spread from the padding.

"I can be," I shrugged. "But I think I don't always control what I do. Like baking, you know? Or writing. I can't do the things I want, and I can't stop the things I don't."

She was still holding out her hands. I kept staring at her palms, following the lines like a fortune teller.

"I can be too. I was selfish when I followed you from the munch. You must have been so freaked out, right? That was a selfish thing I did, but it did lead to something pretty magical, didn't it? Friendship? Sometimes we can be selfish and have it be okay."

"I don't wanna screw everything up," I muttered. Blossom held her hands out, a little closer to me, and I put one of my palms on hers. She was warm, even though she was barely wearing any clothes. My chest ached. Her hand closed around mine. It didn’t snap like a bear trap, but closed soft and gentle like a blanket.

"I don't want to screw anything up either. And sometimes I worry that I will. But you know, I haven't yet, which means I have a 100% success rate so far. And so do you."

I laughed a little at that. The idea that I hadn't made any mistakes until this point was absolutely laughable. I felt like every weekend was just another mistake waiting to happen. But Blossom's admission that she was also worried helped ease the burden just a little. I wiped my eyes under my glasses before I started crying.

"I want to diaper you," I said wearily, "I really do."

"But?" Blossom asked.

"But... it's kind of intimate, seeing you like that. And I'm just..."

"Would seeing me naked outside the realm of diaper changes help, do you think? So you have an opportunity to get used to the idea, and it's not so much all at once?"

"Oh, absolutely not. If you looked a little more like a baby and not so hot all the time, that would probably make it easier." I decided not to linger on the fact that I just called Blossom hot. "Funnily enough, the baby stuff isn't really a problem."

"You think I'm hot?" Blossom grinned, then quickly moved along. She knew she was hot; she knew that Amy thought she was hot. She was just getting a little teasing in.

"So how can I help?"

"Switch me bodies," I said flatly, without any hint of a joke. But of course that wasn't possible. I wished I had her confidence, but I didn't. I wished I had her magic smiles and her enthusiasm and her passion. The only thing I had was writing, and that was locked up in my password-protected laptop.

"I dunno," I tried again, after an awkward pause. "I was never good at intimate stuff, and I guess diaper changes fall into that. Making you wet yourself came dangerously close..." I had a panic attack that night. I didn't want to have another.

"It's definitely intimate, but I don't think that is the problem. I think the problem might be more along the lines of... you have a trouble with intimacy itself, like you said. That's something I'm pretty confident with, so it must be intimidating, right?"

I shrugged, which was the universal sign of noncommittal agreement, like a social contract that no one ever wrote down. I knew I had problems with intimacy; I just wished it didn't have to affect my ageplay kink! I mean, what's more innocent than that?

"I wish I could just..." Blossom put her hand on Amy's chest, below her boobs, and then made a motion like she was pulling on some invisible thread, "pull out all that anxiety that keeps you on guard and on edge. I wish I could just take it all away for you."

"Ya know... I kind of wish you could too." I faked a smile, but I knew she'd see through it. It was a sad smile. But all in all, I was feeling better. I just needed Blossom to hold my hand for a minute. That wasn't too intimate, was it?

"I'm feeling kind of tired," I admitted, though I knew it would take me hours to fall asleep.

Blossom squeezed Amy's hand in hers, and then leaned in and wrapped her other arm around her, She hugged Amy, holding her in her arms for a moment, before letting go.

"You're a good person, cupcake. And I'm a lucky girl. Lets get some sleep?"

Blossom climbed under the covers and I put my glasses on the nightstand. I rolled away from Blossom and she put her arm around me. I could hear her diaper crinkling with each little movement and it made my cheeks warm. But after a while in the quiet darkness of the room, Blossom's breathing grew steady and slow. I reached up and touched her hand that was draped over my waist. I gently laced our fingers together.

Not too intimate. Right?