Friday, February 17th

187.)

"So, how are you?" Stephanie asked, which was the way Stephanie started Therapy Time. We started with greetings. Then a comment or two about the weather being awful. Then she said something about her life, like how stressful it is to move or that her partner has a cold, "but it's not Covid", which is what everyone has to say after they get sick these days. And finally, "so, how are you?".

"Well, I tried that mindfulness stuff, and I'm pretty sure I suck at it," I answered.

"Well, of course you do," Stephanie laughed. "You just started doing it. It takes practice."

"Or it doesn't work and it'll never work... but that's just catastrophizing." I was getting better at recognizing my thought distortions. Even though Stephanie and I had only been seeing each other for a couple months, I could see the effects she'd had on me.

"Run me through what happened," Stephanie encouraged.

So I ran through what happened. I talked about baking chocolate chip cookies at Blossom's last weekend, an intentional callback to my childhood baking. I talked about the jumps in time, or rather a really compressed sense of it. I talked about trying to stay in the moment and use that five senses thing Kione used in Academy K. And I talked about falling asleep on the couch, which was rude to Blossom, who offered to share a bed with me.

"So, you got up in the middle of the night, baked two trays of cookies, and fell asleep on the couch?" Stephanie summarized, like she often did.

"Yep."

"Instead of getting up in the middle of the night, baking twenty trays of cookies, and not sleeping at all?" Stephanie asked.

"Yep..." I could see where this was going.

"And that's not better?" she asked.

"Sure, it's better," I groaned, "but it's not what I wanted. I wanted to make one tray of cookies and fall asleep in bed."

"Remember that thing about being your own lawyer?" Stephanie asked. "You need to create realistic goals. I don't think it's realistic to expect a hundred percent on the first try. It might not be realistic to expect a hundred percent ever."

"I don't like that. I don't like failing."

"It wasn't a failure, Amanda," Stephanie smiled. "It was a marked success. It was a grade A result. And sure, you're upset that you didn't get an A+, but please acknowledge what you did accomplish. The control you asserted over yourself, in a moment when you felt like you had no control. The sleep you got, sleep that could have interfered with your weekend with Blossom or your writing."

"I did write two chapters..." I said, relenting a little.

"See? And do you think you would have done that if you hadn't slept?"

"Well, I wrote them the night before, so yes."

"Okay, that one backfired," Stephanie laughed. "But I think you know what I'm trying to say."

"Yeah, I guess." I felt guilty waking up on the couch, but probably not as guilty as I would have felt if I didn't sleep at all. I got more time with Blossom because I wasn't napping all afternoon, and I think my mood was a little better too. I knew Stephanie was right; I just didn't want to admit it out loud.

"I really don't like being bad at things," I sighed, picking up one of those fidget spinners on her end table and sinking down into the couch. She always had a lot of toys and stuff around for me to play with. I wondered if she had little kid toys, but that might be counter-productive to therapy.

"I know you don't," she said sympathetically. "But I promise, the more you do mindfulness, the easier it gets. It becomes a habit, and you'll feel a lot more in control."

"Beats doing nothing, I guess."

"There ya go! That's the spirit!" Stephanie laughed. It was still strange sometimes when she laughed, because it felt like she shouldn't. Like it was making light of my problems or something. But she wasn't; she was keeping the mood up. I appreciated it.

"I did something else new," I said, spinning the little toy between my fingers. I didn't look up at Stephanie while I talked.

"Oh?"

"So, Blossom and I... I mean, we were... doing like, a roleplay thing..."

"An ageplay one?" she asked.

"Uh huh. Well, like. A couple weeks ago, I tried being more in charge, and... uh. Is this okay to talk about?"

"Please," Stephanie dismissed. "I thrive on this. This is way more fun than childhood trauma."

"Okay, alright." I took a breath and started again. "So I tried being more in charge, but it didn't go well. I think it's because I was trying to fit this persona that makes me uncomfortable or something."

"Oh? What kind of persona?"

Jeeze, did she really have to ask stuff like that? I tried to think about how to say it; I couldn't let my mouth choose the words.

"Well, I was kind of a bully? Blackmailing her for... uh, you know. Little stuff. It's a really common trope in stories."

"In your stories?" she asked.

"Surprisingly, no," I laughed. "But I guess the whole bully thing is a bit too close to home, so I had a bad time."

"Because that's how Blossom used to act?"

"No, not exactly. She never tried to blackmail me or anything. It was more like... it felt mean. I don't want to be mean."

"But you want to cause trouble," Stephanie said, clarifying some other stuff we'd talked about a while ago.

"Yeah, like. Bratty trouble. Not mean trouble. Which are different."

"Got it. Go on."

"So, I was scared that I wouldn't have a good time being in charge, which feels super unfair to Blossom, who is always taking on that role with me."

"Well, not all relationships have to be equal like that," Stephanie said.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Equitable, not equal. But that's not the point."

"Right, sorry. Go on."

"So last weekend, I tried again, but I was someone else. This like, entitled rich woman or something, hiring a maid. And that was kind of fun?"

"What was different?" she asked.

"Um, well. I guess, kind of like what you said. I want to cause trouble, so acting entitled and stuff felt fun. But also, I didn't have to be mean about it. I felt like what I was doing with Blossom was... uh. Selfish? Not, uh... malicious?"

"And selfish is okay?"

"Well, no," I admitted. "Not usually. But maybe when I'm in charge it's okay? At least, it feels better."

"Well, I think selfish is okay sometimes," Stephanie shrugged. "And if it feels better, and Blossom had a good time, I think that's a very healthy approach."

I nodded. That made sense. Entitled rich lady was a good archetype to act like a brat, but in an adult way. Or, at least in a more controlling way.

"So, there's more," I said, still not looking up from my toy.

"Okay."

"Uh, so after. We kind of switched roles, and Blossom was my... wife or, girlfriend or something, I don't remember. And I was nervous about like..."

I really didn't want to talk about this. I almost didn't talk about it! But it was a big deal, and I needed to talk to someone about it. And Stephanie felt safer than Blossom. Or maybe I felt like Stephanie would validate me without pushing my boundaries. Not that Blossom pushed my boundaries exactly, but I usually felt guilty for my boundaries with her. Not with Stephanie.

Stephanie waited while I thought all that through. Silence was a powerful tool in her repertoire.

"I'm worried sometimes when we get too kissy that, like... I'll do something bad. Push too far, or do something Blossom doesn't like. And I get really scared."

"Mmhmm." Stephanie nodded.

"So this time, I set some boundaries ahead of time. Talked with Blossom about it. Uh, pre-negotiated, that's what she called it."

"Did that help?"

"Yeah, it did. Because when I felt like I was going too far or starting to get into uncomfortable territory, Blossom stopped me. She made sure I didn't cross any lines. And that felt nice... and safe..."

"Wow." Stephanie seemed impressed. "I think it's very interesting how concerned you are about intimacy, but not much of it stems from Blossom herself, even though she's more experienced than you."

The understatement of the year.

"So," Stephanie went on, "it's nice to see you using Blossom as a strength, rather than a source of anxiety."

"Yeah, she... uh. I dunno. It was nice to trust her. Or, to trust me to trust her."

I wanted Stephanie to tell me what a good girl I was for listening to Blossom. That I was too little to make decisions like that on my own, and that my girlfriend should be the one in charge of me. I wanted Stephanie to send me back out to Blossom's car with a note that told her to take away more of my privileges, and to keep me as a little girl for the rest of the weekend. Maybe for the rest of my life. But Stephanie gave me something else, something better.

"I'm proud of you," she said.