Friday, October 14th
7.)
Blossom and I texted all week, and almost none of it was about Academy Works. Actually, any time we got on the topic of baby stuff, she kept saying "I'll talk to you about it this weekend". At first I wondered if she was just shy, but that didn't sound like Blossom. It was more likely that she didn't want to say anything I could screenshot. She didn't trust me. But I guess I didn't trust her either.
I re-read that comment on DailyDiapers at least a dozen times. I knew it was going to hurt me, but I couldn’t help myself. Maybe I felt like I was missing the lesson, that if I kept going over it again and again I’d figure out what I could have done differently. But the truth is, I think I just wanted to punish myself. I felt like I deserved it.
Friday morning, I tried to write. I kept reading and re-reading the last few chapters of Aya's story, but it felt so claustrophobic. I had something else I wanted to say, another piece of the puzzle I needed to get out, but every time I tried it felt awkward and forced. How many people would I be disappointing with this chapter?
Instead, I packed my bag.
What was I supposed to bring with me? Diapers? A pacifier? I had a sippy cup, but even that felt too incriminating. What if I got into her car and she opened my bag? What if her friends were waiting in the backseat to laugh at me? We never even talked about this stuff, and Blossom had made it clear on the train that she hadn't really done any of it anyway. Munches and online stories were the extent of her experimenting, which was all she could get away with in her sorority house.
In the end, I decided to just pack a few sets of clothes. Pajamas, layers, stuff like that. A toothbrush, a phone charger, and of course my laptop. It was only 10:30am when I texted Blossom.
>>5pm can't come soon enough @_@
>>I can't focus on writing
>>It is very exciting!
>>I used to say 'berry' because I could not make V sounds as a little girl
>>And then I got braces and everybody made even more fun of how I talked ☹️
>>So I learned how to Very instead of Berry
>>That's some pivotal Blossom Lore for you right there!
>>Are you packed for the weekend? We have a long drive!
>>But you should always over-prepare because it is best to have something you want and not need it
>>Than to need it and not have it!
>>Yeah I'm low maintenance
>>I have some dough in the fridge too that I'm gonna bring
>>I just feel guilty when I can't write
>>Not that it really matters??
>>Just that one guy is commenting on A:A
>>And I never know how to respond to him
Usually I stayed a few chapters ahead of my posting schedule, that way when I got writer's block I had something to show until I got back in the groove. But since A:K finished, I felt like I'd had nothing but writer's block. I was all caught up: posting and writing were in parity. And it had been more than two weeks...
>>I am reading it!
>>And you know I have been reading since the beginning and I just do not comment
>>So I bet there are a hundred others like me!
>>Maybe more.
>>Imagine!
>>But
>>You should not feel guilty because you do not owe anybody anything
>>We are very lucky to have you and your art!
>>A lot of people say that
>>But it doesn't really help
I looked at the clock again. Six more hours. Maybe if I got dressed up, I could find some motivation to write. I could get in Aya's head. I could feel what she felt. But the anxiety of this trip with Blossom kept pulling me away from that headspace. Maybe I could make her a cake... was that weird?
>>I am not very good with helping when people are sad
>>But
>>I am very determined at most things I do
>>So get ready for a weekend of mishandled and poorly implemented attempts of helping with your sad!
>>Looking forward to it XD
Sad wasn't the right word. I was discouraged. I was a lot like Aya from the new Academy Works story: I wanted to do my best. I wanted to impress people. I wanted to do something extraordinary. Where did I choose to put all that passion? Into writing diaper smut.
In the end, I didn't write any of Academy A. Instead, I made Blossom a cake. Actually, I made her five, but I only had one cake container.
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