Monday, March 6th

208.)

"Not in the mood?" Becky pouted. She was sitting on top of Blossom in just her bra and jeans, but Blossom didn't have that usual spark in her eye. That thirst. That eagerness to undress her. So Becky leaned back and got comfortable, still on top of her best friend.

"Sorry," Blossom sighed. She was lost in her head.

"Is this about Amanda?" Becky asked. "Did your big epic plan thingy not go the way you wanted?"

"Um... I don't know... it wasn't exactly what I expected... but it wasn't bad either..."

"Hm. And you still won't tell me what this is about? I can probably help, you know. I'm a problem solver at heart. And, like... you know. I like to be included in your life." Opening up like that was something Becky was still getting used to. She found that often the best results with Blossom came when she was just direct. Sometimes Blossom was so oblivious.

"I just don't think I have the ability to unpack it all. And you know that I'm comfortable talking to you about anything Becks, but there's some confidential stuff with Amy and I don't want to get into all of that. There's just a lot of shit I can't really control and I hate not being able to control things."

This was Blossom Brixley at what might have been described as her "most vulnerable" before she'd met Amanda Pearson. And from Becky's perspective, this was pretty damn open.

"I understand..." Becky said, not wholly understanding anything at all. But she was trying. "I'm kind of assuming here, because Amanda writes sexy stories, that this is a kink thing. And if you're too open with me about it, that exposes her, right?"

Blossom didn't say anything, but that was enough of an answer.

"No worries. I might not respect your secrets, but I'll respect hers," Becky joked. "I won't push it, okay?"

Blossom nodded. That didn't give anything away, right?

"But... I do want to help..." Becky continued.

"I don't see how you can," Blossom sighed. "No offense."

"Well..." Becky sat there for a minute, thinking to herself. What was it that Blossom said? Hating when she couldn't control things? "What if we switch things up a little. I can be more... submissive. Ya know?"

Blossom blinked in surprise. Becky wasn't really a submissive person, in or out of the bedroom. Actually, Blossom knew that Becky had some bad experiences in the past with dom/sub stuff. Most of Blossom's play with Becky was casual, with a bit of a power struggle. It was the conventional "meet a stranger at a bar and see where it goes" archetype you see married couples do on TV.

"You want to be submissive for me? Becks, you don't have to do that, I know you don't like giving up control."

Although the idea was… enticing. But Blossom's spheres were ringing, and she worried about saying something by mistake, getting lost in the moment and forgetting that Becky wasn't Amy.

"I don't want you to do this if it's just for me. If you want to, and you get something out of it too... then maybe that's okay."

"It's been a while," Becky admitted, twirling the end of her hair. "But things with you aren't the same as they were with Max. And, I dunno. You want to feel more in control right now, right? I'm willing to give it a shot if it might help you. That's what love is all about, right?"

"You sound like me when I'm talking to Amy," Blossom laughed. "Which… is probably not what you want to hear right now, when youre being all cute and sexy like this."

"I don't mind," Becky shrugged. "Just take your own advice, okay?"

Blossom laughed like she was shrugging it off, and pressed her finger to her lips thoughtfully.

"I have often thought you'd look good in a collar, though, Becks..."

"A collar?" Becky hesitated for a second and slowly nodded her head. "Collared by Blossom Brixley... I could put it on my resume."

Blossom laughed, but she could tell Becky was a little nervous. The stuff with her ex was kind of intense, and it wasn't very kind or fair to Becky's boundaries back then. Her anxiety was totally warranted.

"Is there a way we could do this kind of like, consensually?" Becky asked. "Like, maybe I want you to do this to me, rather than you making me? Does that ruin the fun?"

Blossom was quiet for a moment and then she had a serious look on her face.

"Becky. That doesn't ruin the fun. It's its own kind of fun. Don't even doubt yourself or be apologetic for expressing what you want." Now Blossom definitely felt like she was talking to Amy.

"Yeah, I know, I know." Becky rolled her eyes. "I was asking if like, that's cool with you. Because if not, maybe it's not a good idea. That's all."

Blossom nodded. She reminded herself that she didn't need to treat Becky like she treated Amy. Even if Becky didn't have the same kind of experience, she was a lot more confident in her wants.

"So, that's still fun? And it would help you feel in control of something?" Becky asked again, to clarify. Because it was important to clarify stuff like this.

"Absolutely," Blossom grinned. "I would love a submissive, eager-to-please, on-her-knees, little Becky Toy to play with."

Playing with Becky had its perks. One of which was that she never had to remind Becky about safewords or when to use them. Becky was an excellent self-advocator. Another perk was that Becky was extremely attractive.

"Ahh, this is going to be awkward," Becky laughed. "But it seems like you're already in a better mood."

Blossom nodded happily. After such a long weekend with Amy, constantly on edge and overly self-aware of her actions, taking charge of Becky was a welcome reprieve. It was a good way to remind herself that she could still make the right decisions. She was still Blossom Brixley, and one rough weekend wasn't a setback.

"So..." Becky said sweetly, running her fingers up Blossom's bare stomach, under the hem of her shirt. "Tell me what to do, who to be, how to act... and I'll prove how submissive I can be for you."

Blossom's eyes lit up with that little spark they were missing earlier. She looked up at Becky with thirst and fascination and excitement. Becky smiled proudly.

"Go on," Becky reassured her best friend. "I trust you."

***

"Have you been playing that game all day?" Lin asked, looking over Amanda's shoulder.

"Mm, yeah, pretty much."

When I woke up, I decided to play some Xenoblade until I went to class. But as the hours ticked by, the urge to be responsible ebbed away. So I skipped school. Lin came over after her afternoon class, before my mom got home from work.

"Didn't you say you were getting tired of it?" Lin prodded.

"I was. I mean, the gameplay isn't really that interesting... but the story just got good. At the start, there was this guy that killed my friend, so I wanted revenge. But now I'm realizing some stuff about the bad guys, and I don't know if revenge is really the right answer anymore?"

The shift in motives was very compelling, and any time I put my Switch down to make a sandwich or use the bathroom, I started thinking about Academy M. That story was told from the villain's perspective, and what they were doing was objectively evil. But the more time Maria spent with Judith, the more she had to look her sins in the eye. I wondered if Maria would have a shift in motive too. I wondered what it would take for Maria to change her mind.

"I think the best stories have nobody who thinks they're the villain," Lin agreed as she arranged herself into a more pretzely position so she could better see the tiny screen of the handheld. "There's a lot of that in FF XIV, and I think that's what makes it good storytelling."

"You're probably waiting for a Switch port of that game, huh? Then I won't have a good excuse not to play."

"Speaking of, have you gotten any further in Pokemon?" Lin asked. "I want to do the DLC with you when it comes out."

"No, sorry. Xenoblade is really distracting."

"Mm... maybe I should try Xenoblade, so we have something to talk about..."

Lin's voice had a hint of something unusual. Thoughtfulness? Or wistfulness? I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but it didn't sound good.

"Hey, we talk about stuff," I reassured her, without any examples. I didn't feel like I had enough energy to get into a full-on debate with Lin about feelings.

"I know," Lin immediately backpedaled. "But you have to admit, since you started spending your weekends with Blossom, we don't get as much time together."

"Sure..." Was Lin feeling jealous? It didn't seem like it. I knew Lin didn't have a lot of free time, between school and tutoring and all the lessons her parents forced her to take. Like college wasn't hard enough. On top of that, she treated her Final Fantasy game like a job sometimes. And the usual college crowd wasn't really her scene; I couldn't imagine Lin ever going to a frat party or a Girl's Night at the bar. Most of her friends were online, other than me.

"So how are you and Blossom?" Lin asked. "Let me live vicariously through your relationship."

"Us? Uh... fine? I dunno."

"You gotta give me more than that. Tell me something she did recently that made your heart swell with happiness?"

Lin was often aloof and wrapped up in her own world, so asking about her best friend's personal life was unusual. Not bad! Just... notable. Lin was also, notably, an extremely romantic person; left to her own devices, she'd talk all day about whatever fanfiction love story she was following.

"I dunno... just... Blossom stuff? I dunno..." I shrugged.

"Oh." Lin nodded. It wasn't like her to pry, and one press was already more than she was comfortable with. "Well, I'm glad you guys are doing well."

Lin watched over my shoulder as I fought an elite enemy in Xenoblade. It was a long fight, almost five minutes, because I kept messing up my rotation. I kept thinking about Lin, pressed up to my arm, watching me play a game over my shoulder instead of checking drop rates on her phone or watching YouTube boss videos. I wondered if maybe she was feeling lonely.

After picking up the treasure chest, I clicked off my Switch and turned to my best friend. I said:

"Hey, I wanted to actually talk to you about something..."

"Okay?" Lin tilted her head curiously.

I didn't want to talk about my birthday. I knew it was weird that my best friend didn't even know when my birthday was, but I didn't have the energy to explain it. How I didn't like my birthday, how I wanted to ignore it every year. I didn't know how to tell her something personal, only to take it away. So I told her something else instead.

"I know I'm cagey about Blossom," I sighed. "I'm not trying to leave you in the dark."

"I know," Lin said with a smile, trying to reassure her best friend. "That stuff makes you uncomfortable."

"Kind of, but there's more to it. When I'm with Blossom... things are different. We, um... we're... into the same kind of, like..."

Well, that was the most awkward pause of my life. But Lin was patient. I wondered who, in a contest between Lin and Stephanie, could be silent the longest?

"You know I write stories, right?" I asked, feeling my heart rate go up. This was not at all what I wanted to talk about.

"Sure? You seem kind of cagey about those too."

"Well, that's because... they're... a specific kind of story. And Blossom reads those stories, and enjoys those stories... and a lot of our... when we are together... it's about those stories..."

"Uh huh..." Lin nodded along, but she wasn't really following Amanda's point.

"And I'm... um..." I had to take a deep breath and count to four in my head. Four in. Four hold. Four out. Another anxiety trick I learned from Stephanie. "I think I'm just embarrassed to talk about it..."

"Well, for an embarrassed girl, you're doing a good job," Lin encouraged. "And doing the thing when you don't want to do the thing is hard."

Both girls were silent. And then Lin asked the million dollar question:

"So do I get to know the kind of stories they are? I'll tell you three of the ones that I like to read in exchange."

Only in Lin's world of everything having gold value, drop rate, and time investments could she offer trading three of her things for a single one of Amy's. But Amy was a lot more guarded. So if Lin only had Rares to trade, then 3:1 for a single Epic seemed fair.

"I... don't know..." I admitted quietly, looking down at the Switch in my hands. It felt like that day Blossom Brixley found me on that train. It felt like something that was supposed to stay hidden was peeking out of the closet door. My chest hurt.

"Well, you don't have to," Lin reassured her, but Amanda shook her head.

"I don't know," I said again, mumbling under my breath. "I want to tell you, I do. I want to be able to talk about the things that are happening to me, personal things, even if they are scary. Because... I think this is a bigger part of my life than I realized. And because you're my best friend, Lin. I don't want to hide things from you."

Lin nodded. This time, she understood.

"Let's take it slow, alright?" she said. "It doesn't have to happen right now."

"Yeah... yeah, alright..." I looked up at Lin with a little smile and looked down at my game again. The screen was still off. It felt like a bad place to leave things, like trapping her in the unknown. Like leaving her in Purgatory.

But Purgatory was better than Hell, wasn't it? It was one step closer to the truth. It was one step closer to letting her in. Sure, it was only one step, but it was a big one. Maybe one of the biggest steps Lin and I had ever taken together.

"Just so you know," Lin said, wrapping her arm around me, "whatever it is, no judgment. You're my best friend too."

"Thanks..." I faked a smile and tried to take another breath. Four in. Four hold. Four out.

"Thanks for trusting me," Lin beamed. "I promise not to let you down."

"I know you won't," I said. And I meant it.