Sunday, November 13th
60.)
When I woke up, it was morning. My fever had broken, or at least it sure felt like it had. My shirt was wet around the collar with sweat, but I had been asleep for the better part of the morning. I pulled myself off the couch to get to the bathroom, then almost jumped out of my skin when Blossom called my name. I almost lost control of my bladder, soaking my pajama pants right there in the middle of the living room. She would give me that knowing smile, like it was her plan all along. But it wasn't her plan, and I didn't actually almost lose control of my bladder.
"Jeeze! You scared me!"
She was sitting on one of the kitchen stools, sipping a coffee. She was already dressed.
"Sorry," she laughed. "You're looking better."
"I'm feeling better," I smiled bashfully. "I can't believe I got that sick... I never get sick."
"A body is a lot like a pretty dress; it'll impress you if you take care of it, but it'll fail you when you need it most if you don't."
It was a lecture that she'd repeated countless times in high school, usually to her idiot friends who didn't realize that gum isn't a meal and diet coke isn't water.
"I'm glad you're feeling better!"
"Me too." I smiled, then a thought occurred to me. I checked the clock on the kitchen stove. 11:48am. "We still have time for our scene? Right? We could do that before we leave?"
But Blossom's face was filled with mourning.
"I have a meeting at five," she said. "We gotta head out early."
"Oh..." A wave of guilt slammed into me, a lot bigger and a lot harsher than the waves that slammed into me two nights prior. I resisted the urge to pick at my fingers. Instead, I faked a smile. "Next time, I guess..."
"Lets try that exchange again. You're writing a character, and she's disappointed that she didn't get to do the thing she wanted to do. Maybe she feels like she wants to do it for someone else, maybe someone she feels like does a lot for her? And time didn't work out, and it's nobody's fault. Even if she might tell herself it's her fault. How do you have this character express that she laments missing out this time, but is excited for the next opportunity?"
"I dunno..." Blossom's comparison made sense to me, but it was a little too over the top, a few too many words. My brain couldn't keep up with all of them, especially because it was already yelling so loudly at me. "I have to use the bathroom."
"Think about it while you're in the bathroom, cupcake. I want an answer when you get out of there."
Instructor voice. Not quite a teacher voice, but equally as expectant.
I didn't know what she was looking for. I didn't know what she wanted from me. Of course I wanted to make up for my mistake yesterday, of course I wanted to make everything right again. It was my fault I got sick. I went into the water. If my brain wasn't so fucked up, I wouldn't have had to do that. Or I could have thought of a better, less stupid plan.
By the time I got out of the bathroom, I didn't have an answer for Blossom. If anything, I had only sunk myself further into my guilt. She wanted one thing this weekend, not even a big thing, and I still failed to give it to her.
"I'm gonna get my stuff together," I said with a fake smile. "Are my clothes still in the dryer?"
"They are, mhm."
Blossom didn't know what her next step ought to be here, but she figured she'd probably done just about as much as she could with Amy for now. She knew she hadn't been able to prevent the sinking look in her eyes, but she had forestalled it for most of the weekend and she could take that as a win.
Blossom and I didn't really talk on the ride back. The guilt was bad enough, but then I realized I'd gone the entire weekend without writing anything. The one thing I could do right, and I didn't even try. To top it all off, my head still felt cloudy and unbalanced. Even though I was feeling better, I clearly wasn't at a hundred percent.
She dropped me off and I thanked her for everything. I promised I'd make it up to her, but... well, I just didn't know how to do that. The best thing I could do was stop bothering her all the time.
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