Tuesday, November 15th

61.)

By Tuesday, I was back to normal. I could think clearly and I was already hard at work mentally prepping the next chapter of Academy A. I wanted to bring the Ghost concept back again, but I wasn't sure how. Maybe I should do more with the supporting cast... the other classmates…

Someone left a really in-depth comment on Academy I on DailyDiapers, talking about a lot of the psychological horror elements. That story was always meant to be a deconstruction of the kidnapped-and-turned-into-a-baby trope, a demonstration that what we think we want might not be what we actually want. It was supposed to make the reader think twice: a lesson they should take with them throughout all of Academy Works. The whole post was a huge compliment.

I also got a nice comment on Academy T. It said the scene with Mrs. Hopper was a little confusing, which was fair. The human mind is conditioned to familiar concepts - even subconsciously - which allows for literary techniques like symbolism and allusion. When someone says something is like fire, the assumption is that the thing is hot. It might instead be painful, passionate, or hard to control. But what can a writer do when something is outside the bounds of association? The writer says something is like fire, and then someone shivers and their teeth chatter. The reader is confused. Confusion annoys readers.

I wrote that scene with Mrs. Hopper a dozen times. I didn’t want anyone to blame me for not understanding; I wanted them to realize that there was no way they possibly could. It wasn’t my fault as a writer, nor theirs as a reader; it was the fault of reality for not preparing us for such ideas.

Or maybe I was looking for an excuse. Maybe a better writer could have found the right words. Who knows.

Later that day, I made the mistake of looking at Blossom in class. I made the mistake again and again. She never looked at me, or maybe we kept missing each other like in movies. But movies aren't like real life. Every time I saw her, I thought she looked different. Sadder. I did that, I was sure of it. I was a catastrophic disappointment.

***

"I'm just... pissed off, I think. I'm not pissed off at her. I'm pissed off at the way she's acting toward herself, which tends to consume her, but it's also super fucking unfair on me."

Blossom was lamenting across the table at McDonald's to her best friend, and Becky was tapping away on her phone in that 'I'm listening, but I'm not sure if I care' kind of way. Blossom listlessly tried to steal a fry from Becky's small bag of fries, and Becky slapped her on the wrist without looking.

"So what? She's not your responsibility." Becky still didn't know the mystery girl's name, and all her tricks for getting Blossom to spill it weren't working. "Clearly this girl has problems. Maybe instead of doing that whole 'woe is me' schtick, she should grow up."

Grow up.

Blossom thought about that term, and about how absolutely devastating it might be for a Little to be told that.

Mentally, she tucked it down at the bottom of her brain-purse, committing to never saying that.

"She definitely has problems, Becks. And I know, I know, she's not my responsibility, but I like her. I really like her. And I just wish I could... make her see me, instead of fixating on herself. Like. She finds a way to punish herself in any situation, every situation, rather than trying to make things right."

"Sounds like too much work," Becky said without thinking. She didn't focus much on the 'I really like her' part. So finally, with a sigh, Becky put her phone down. "Listen, you can't change other people."

"But you can influence them," Blossom countered, having also taken Psych 101.

"So influence her if you want," Becky said. "But if you're doing this thinking you're gonna change her, then you're being unrealistic. No matter what you say or do, it comes down to her. She decides who she is."

"That's like how theme parks get to do their own safety audits and stuff - how can you trust the cat to take care of the canary? She thinks she doesn't deserve to be happy, I swear to God she believes that. And while she gets to decide, that's never going to change, Becks."

Blossom leaned down and her put face on the table, grumbling.

"Then let her believe it," Becky groaned. "She's dragging you into all this high school emo shit. Is that what you want? Didn't you tell me that you left all that behind when you got to college?" And then Becky said something drastic. "I think she's bad for you."

Blossom wanted to snap back with argument and protest, but the fact she didn't and was quiet with her lips pressed together was more telling than any reply could have been. She sighed, and after a brief pause, sat back up and looked... conflicted.

"Maybe she is."

But I like her, Blossom thought. But I used to be bad for her, Blossom reasoned. But I have to make this right, Blossom reminded. Am I chasing this friendship out of want, or guilt? Blossom considered.

"This whole thing is definitely getting in the way of my schoolwork."

Blossom finally answered.

"See?" Becky encouraged with a smile. "Plus, you're spending your weekends with this girl, when you could be spending them with me! We have way more fun, and I'm not a total downer." Becky pushed some fries across the table for Blossom as a reward.

With glum surface-level acceptance, Blossom took two french fries and began to nibble on one of them.

Amy was consuming all her time. Amy was taking away her weekends. Amy was making her studies more difficult. Blossom could accept all of the above, but none of that changed the simple fact that she liked Amy. And that's why the conversation she was going to have with her would be for her own good.

***

"Wanna do something this weekend?" I asked Lin, beating some eggs in a bowl in her kitchen. I wasn't a great cook, but Lin wanted an omelette. I could make an omelette.

"Don't you spend the weekends with your ex-bully?" Lin asked, leafing through an article on her phone. She was probably looking up clears on a raid in Final Fantasy.

"I dunno," I said passively, pouring the bowl upside down into the hot pan. "I think I'm spending too much time there. It's getting in the way of my schoolwork."

It wasn't. I always had time Friday afternoon or Sunday evening to finish what I needed to finish. If anything, weekends with Blossom made me more productive. But I wasn't good for her. It took me too long to realize it, and I didn't want to interfere with her life any more than I already had.

"If you say so, but saying so doesn't make it so~" Lin reminded her best friend in the same sing-song voice her parents used on her growing up if she was lying about something or hiding the truth.

"You didn't answer my question," I said, ignoring Lin's commentary on my schoolwork. She was usually pretty insightful, but I didn't want her to figure me out today. "Are you free this weekend?"

"Mhm but we're raiding Friday night and if we make progress maybe Saturday night too. You can still hang out with me though; I'll just be telling plebs not to stand in the stupid or they don't get Benediction."

"I don't know what any of that means," I sighed. "Maybe lunch on Saturday? Or a movie during the day?"

"I can swing that," Lin shrugged.

Good, I thought as I flipped Lin's omelette. Now I had an excuse to cancel with Blossom.