161.)

I really thought I was supposed to hold Blossom or something, but in the end I wound up laying on the couch with my feet over her lap. I felt like I was going to burst into tears, but I just didn't have the energy. So all my tears stayed in my head and my skull filled up with water.

"Was it fun?" Blossom asked after a while.

"Mmhmm..."

"You're lying," Blossom laughed.

"I'm not lying," I mumbled. "I'm just... tired..."

Maybe I was lying. In retrospect, it seemed fun. It seemed like something I would read online. But in the moment, I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't know which reality I was supposed to trust.

"Sweetheart, the cornerstone of everything in any kink community is communication, and communication needs to be open and honest. Honest even if it's hard; open even if it's scary. I need to know what you liked and what you didn't so I can tune in to be a better partner next time. And you need to express what you liked and didn't like so you can feel heard, and validated. Understand, babes?"

"I don't know," I admitted. I wanted to go to bed, but I wasn't sleepy enough. "It was... harder than I thought... and I'm worried maybe I'm, like... not cut out for this... and I really want to be..."

"Nobody feels like they're good at this stuff at first," Blossom said. "But you were fantastic, or as the French would say, fantastique. But if you don't like it, that's fine too."

"I want to like it," I said under my breath. Thankfully the room was quiet, even with the heat running in the background. "I want to be able to do this..."

"The first step to being able to do something is wanting to do it, so that's a good start. Tell me how this all made you feel? This scene?"

I wanted to tell her it was fine. I wanted her to think I had a good time. I didn't care if it made me feel sick or scared. I just wanted her to be happy. I wanted to be good at making her happy...

But lying to her about this wasn't the same as lying about my feelings with other stuff. This was sex. Or, I guess sex-adjacent. Consent had to be informed. If I wasn't honest, I was violating her consent.

"Scared, I guess," I finally said. "Out of my element."

"Okay," Blossom nodded, encouragingly. "You felt scared, and out of your element. Because you were in charge? Or another reason?"

"It felt bad," I admitted. I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want her to tell me I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to get better... but what if I couldn't?

"All of it?" Blossom asked gently.

"I guess the end wasn't bad... when I was just teasing. But the rest of it..."

"Okay, so let's start with that good part, alright? The teasing, at the end? You liked that, and it felt good, but the other stuff wasn't your cup of tea? That's fine. Not everything is for everyone, and if you do wanna keep working on it, we can. But you definitely don't need to, if it's just not your thing."

"But you liked it," I said with a sigh. "I want to like it too, so I can keep doing it..."

"I like going down on boys, too," Blossom shrugged. "Does that automatically mean you should feel like you have to offer me that? It's okay for partners to not be into all the same stuff."

"You're being intransigent," I said.

"Said the pot to the kettle," Blossom shot back.

"Fine." I sat up and looked at Blossom with a bit of annoyance. "I get that I can't give you everything. But I want to give you something. At least as much as you give me. So unless you want to stop babying me..."

"Things don't have to be equal," Blossom sighed.

"I'm aiming for equitable," I countered. "And this has a lot of equity. This is a huge fantasy for you, and if I can make it happen..."

"I have a lot of huge fantasies, babes. And a lot of them involve me babying you; you should remember that, okay? When I'm calling the shots, I'm doing it just as much to fulfill my own fantasies as I am to fulfill yours. And that's how it should always be. If you want to fulfill my fantasies of being Little, you need to be doing it in a way that also fulfills your own fantasies of babying someone else."

"I don't have fantasies of babying someone else," I said flatly.

"At all?" Blossom asked, tilting her head.

"Uh..." Had I never told her that? "Not really... but I want to..."

"Well, it's not impossible to give yourself kinks," Blossom shrugged. "There's a lot of stuff I've gotten into after never having tried it out before. But I think we should stick to fantasies that we both already have and build from there."

This was a bit more complicated than Blossom had hoped, but she felt like she was doing okay. Just okay. Not great.

"That's what I'm doing," I said with a sigh. "Or, I'm trying to."

"Well, you said you had a good time at the end there, right?" Blossom asked. "Why is that?"

"I dunno... the teasing. It felt like writing, kind of?"

"But the blackmail part didn't?" Blossom asked, a little curious.

"I don't know..." I hesitated. No, I guess that felt like writing too. I didn't know the difference...

"Okay, so the teasing felt like something you'd write, but maybe the blackmail didn't? Or maybe it felt too mean? Or, is it because you wouldn't ever blackmail someone?"

"I was playing a character, so it doesn't really matter," I shrugged. "And anyway, I wouldn't ever tease you like that for real either. It was all made up."

"So why do you think you liked the teasing, but not the other stuff?"

"I dunno... I just didn't."

Both of us were quiet for a minute. It felt like we had both given up. I certainly felt like I'd given up. But then Blossom said:

"Maybe it's not that complicated. When I roleplay, I pick a character I have fun with. But like, if someone wanted me to be a violent character, I'd probably have a bad time."

"Maybe..." I really didn't like blackmailing Blossom. Specifically, I didn't like her yelling at me like that. I didn't like her talking to me like she used to. I didn't like retaliating. It felt so adversarial...

"So maybe the character is just wrong for you? Like, there's a lot of ways to baby a girl. You prove that in your stories: none of your caregiver characters are anything alike, but they all result in an outcome that's pretty awesome."

True. Mommy Moo and Mistress Miff from Academy A both had the same job, but they did it in wildly different ways. But neither of them seemed very Amanda-esque.

"I liked teasing you," I said again. "I think writing ABDL dialogue isn't a talent I really get to show off all that often, so it makes me feel smart. But also kind of... petty? Not in a bad way though..."

"More like bratty?" Blossom offered.

"A little bit, yeah."

"So maybe a bratty sister is more your speed?" Blossom suggested. "Bratty older sister, or bratty younger sister? That could be a pretty good role for you, and both are fire."

"Yeah... maybe." I didn't know how different that would be; a bratty sister type in an ABDL story would probably blackmail her anyway. But maybe Blossom wouldn't yell at me like that. Maybe I wouldn't be so vindictive. Yeah, that would be nice...

"It's all about just figuring out what feels good and what feels right," Blossom said. "I think this could be a good avenue for you to explore some different sides of bratting, too?"

"Yeah, alright..." I was feeling a little better about the evening, but I wasn't any less exhausted. I hoped the rest of the night could be quiet and easy. But another thought kept popping up in my mind.

"Hey, uh... is it really okay if I can't be mean like that? I know you like it, so..."

"It's absolutely fine," Blossom reassured Amy. "Being mean to someone you love isn't easy, even when it's just pretend. And trust me, there's a lot of ways to engage with me that can have enticing or humiliating outcomes without being mean. If I was eating one of your cupcakes and you tutted and cleaned some frosting off my face like a Mom would, with a bit of a condescending sigh and a loving smile? That would melt me."

"Okay..." I couldn't see myself doing that either, which worried me. But it would probably be less painful than the scene we did tonight. I still felt guilty that I wasn't able to give her the fantasy she wanted, but I did my best. I honestly did. And if I wasn't so brittle, I probably would have done a great job too. For once, my lament of failing was nearly matched by my pride for trying.

"Let's watch some TV, okay?" Blossom suggested.

I nodded. "Okay."