122.)

Blossom was staring at her phone at the dining room table when Becky entered the kitchen. Becky went to the fridge, poured herself a glass of orange juice, and was about to walk away when Blossom called her over. With a sigh, Becky stood in the doorway.

"Hm?"

"She hasn't texted me or anything," Blossom mumbled. "Should I text her?"

"I dunno," Becky said dismissively. The night before, Becky had gone to bed before Blossom returned from her walk. The two hadn't seen each other since midnight.

"I shouldn't have pushed her out of her element, Becks. That was dumb of me. This is why I have circles and why they don't touch. Why did I do that? Ugh, things are gonna be fucky and weird now and I totally should have just left things separate."

"Probably," Becky agreed, sipping her orange juice. She had warned Blossom again and again not to get so involved with that girl, but did Blossom ever listen?

"Becks, you are so far from helping right now, you know that, right?"

To be fair, Blossom didn't even know how Becky felt about Amy; because she'd spent all morning frowning and fretting over the texting issue.

"Well golly gee, Blossom," Becky said sarcastically. "Let me just drop everything to help you with a problem you caused for yourself, after warning you over and over not to cause it. That's how I want to spend the new year. 2023: The Year of Being the Side Character in Blossom Brixley's Story. Oh wait, that was the title of 2022."

Blossom looked up at Becky with surprise, but Becky was fed up with it. She turned on her heel and went back up the stairs without another word.

Blossom was honestly surprised. Becky was usually honest to a fault, but today she seemed to have crossed the threshold into just plain bitchy. Maybe she was lashing out for attention, or maybe Blossom had said something to upset her. Blossom looked at her phone, devoid of messages, and sighed as she went upstairs to see what was up her best friend's ass.

"Becks? Hey, Becks? Are we good, boo?"

Becky's bedroom door opened and Becky stood in front of Blossom, almost a whole foot shorter. If she was intimidated, she sure didn't show it.

"No, I don't think so," Becky said sharply. "I'm pissed off. And I really don't want to talk to you right now. Okay? Rain check."

"Uh, okayyyy. I'll be downstairs, I guess? Or studying? Or something? Let me know when you wanna talk, I guess?"

Blossom inhaled deeply and puffed out her cheeks, and then went back to the staircase, pivoted, and changed direction to her bedroom instead. 2023 was shaping up to be a pretty rotten year so far, and she was only feeling more galvanized about protecting her boundaries in future.

****

I was staring at my phone at the dining room table when Lin entered the kitchen. She took a cheese stick out of the fridge and sat down across from me. She was in the middle of setting up a Nintendo Online account on my Switch.

"So, we kissed..."

"You and your no-longer-bully?"

"Yeah."

"You don't seem too thrilled about it," Lin added. "Was it bad?"

"No, it wasn't bad." I was a little too distracted by the building anxiety to really dedicate brain cells to memory-forming, but I thought it was good. It was nice. Or maybe that was my expectations playing tricks on reality.

"Soooo… it wasn't bad, but you also look like you just learned that Square nullified your world-first because they left an exploitable mechanic in and you used what was available to you."

"There had to be an easier way to say that," I said flatly. "Not everything is about the critically acclaimed MMORPG that you can play through to level sixty for free with no restrictions on playtime."

"You're right," Lin said plainly. "Some things are about Pokémon, which you can buy now for only sixty dollars!"

"Isn't that game really buggy?"

"Yes. There are bug types. But that's not important right now. You're dodging the question."

What question? Oh right.

"I don't know. Everything with Blossom was finally feeling normal. I was getting comfortable. I never thought I'd be comfortable..." Not with her. Especially not with diapers. And now we were like... play partners or something? That's the term Twitter used.

"I don’t get the love for normality," Lin said. "But whatevs, what's got you feeling less normal now? It was only a kiss?"

"How did it end up like this," I sighed dramatically. But memes aside… "I don't know. I'm not really someone that goes around kissing my friends..."

"Try it some time," Lin winked.

I stuck out my tongue like a toddler.

"I'm probably blowing this out of proportion. It doesn't mean anything. It was New Years. You gotta kiss someone, right? But why not just kiss Becky?"

"Maybe she likes you?" Lin offered.

"Blossom likes everyone," I sighed. "It's not like winning a Nobel prize."

"Hey now, you shouldn't underrate her affections. To her, she might be expressing really unique feelings that are just for you and writing it off as "well she does this with everyone" not only downplays her feelings, but also undersells yourself as a catch~" That was surprisingly virtuous for Lin to be saying, but she did play a Paladin sometimes.

"If Blossom Brixley was going to fall in love with someone, it sure as hell wouldn't be me." Lin's standards were too low. Blossom's standards were a mountain, one that I doubted anyone could conquer. If someone came close, they'd be alongside Sisyphus.

Lin paused for a moment on that one, but thankfully the boundaries of our friendship had been reached. Arguing with Amanda wasn't her responsibility, and it sure wasn't worth her time.

"What about you, then?" she asked. "Are you into her?"

"Why does that matter? That's like asking a pig to fly." Quite literally, I thought to myself.

"I want to make a comment about Terastallizing into a flying type, but I think that will go over your head." Lin laughed at her own joke, but only briefly, before continuing.

"So tell me: are you into her?"

I wondered idly how to translate her question onto paper. Maybe I'd have to play with font sizes.

"I don't know..." I sulked, looking once more at my phone. No texts. "Would it be so weird if I was? I mean, she's Blossom... who wouldn't be. I feel like such a sucker. Like every guy in our high school..."

"Listen, I'm sure that half the guys and half the gals and half of the remainder who fall outside the binary are into Blossom. But that doesn't matter, because we're not talking about them; we're talking about you. And no, it wouldn't be weird if you were into her. You've been spending every weekend with her for months, you're clearly into her~"

"I can't be into her!" I groaned and put my head down on the table. "I don't want to make things weird! We're finally friends!"

"You've been friends since you started hanging out, and don’t give me that romcom crap about ruining what you have. If you like her and you're into her, then it means she's worth it to you."

Lin, who barely dated, giving advice here.

"That's not what I mean..." I sulked. It wasn't about not wanting to ruin things. I'd ruin things either way, to be honest. It was inevitable. But all this baby stuff, diaper stuff... it was almost romantic. Adding kissing on top of that? I felt tears in my eyes. Thankfully my head was still down. Fuck.

"Okay. Then tell me what you do mean?"

Lin was doing her best to help with the conversation, because Amy was her best friend and she wanted to see her happy. It didn't mean this was easy though.

I had to wait a minute, taking a deep breath to center myself. I couldn't overthink this, not right now. Not with Lin here. I wiped my eyes behind my glasses with my fingers before sitting up again.

"Let's say... best case scenario. She's into me. I don't know how to do any of this. I don't really... date. Or kiss. Or whatever. And it's not like I don't want to, but she's Blossom Brixley. She's an Olympian and I'm on the first week of Couch to Five K. I'm not being self-deprecating here; we aren't on the same level. That's objective truth."

Lin nodded her head.

"You don't think she's scared too? Worried she'll overwhelm you, or say the wrong thing?"

Lin wasn't wrong. For months, Blossom was so flippant about sex and stuff. It didn't help that I wrote her favorite porn story. But she toned it down recently. She was trying. And I was just acting like a scaredy cat.

"It just seems like a lot of work for her... already our friendship is rather one-sided." In the transactions between us, she got a story a few days early and I got a thousand perks. It was like making a million dollars for playing one game of football. It was a broken system, and I had too much morality to ignore it.

"Do you think she sees it as one-sided? Maybe you should ask her?" Lin offered, smugly, with a faint smile on her face.

I already knew what Blossom would say. That's the thing about feelings: you don't want to be wrong. Even when you know they are wrong, and even when they are causing you pain, you just want to feel them anyway. Contradictions don't help. I would rather be miserable than dissonant.

After a moment of hesitation, Lin clarified: "I meant you should text her. You've been waiting all afternoon."

"I don't know what to say," I muttered.

"I'd start with hello."

I gave her a look, but she blocked our line of sight with my Nintendo Switch. I sighed and unlocked my phone.

>> Hello

>> Sorry about yesterday...

>> I really am

>> I swear I had a good time

>> I'm just a dramatic baby

>> Emphasis on.. well you get it

>> Emphasis on the baby! 🍼

>> It is completely cool, I understand

>> You were so brave to come to the party

>> I am sorry I did not handle your feelings better 😦

>> No really, you were fine

>> I freaked out

>> It was unwarranted

>> And I'm happy I went

>> And hey, I did my homework!

>> Let myself have a panic attack, check

>> Stephanie will be thrilled 🙄

>> I am sure you will get a lot of praise! 😉

>> Are you hungover?

>> Not at all

>> I actually didn't drink that much

>> The throwing up thing was mostly anxiety I think

>> Maybe the least attractive thing I could have done

>> I usually don't throw up

>> I have thrown up so much in my life

>> Cue comment about Blossom Brixley and gag-reflex

>> Or lack thereof

>> I am glad you had a good night!

I hesitated on the reply. We hadn't brought up the kiss thing, and maybe it was better that way. We could forget it ever happened. We could go back to normal.

Then, like fate, like providence, Blossom replied:

>> So that kiss

>> I enjoyed that

I hesitated again, for totally different reasons. In the end, I was too much of a coward to say anything meaningful.

>> Yeah same

>> I would like to do it again 😘

Fuck. Um...

>> Okay??

>> If you want

>> Well I have established what I want

>> What do YOU want?

What did I want? To be a normal fucking twenty-year-old without a thousand hangups on stupid normal things like kissing and getting diapered. But I had to play in the space of realism.

>> I liked it

I said that already.

>> I want to

Short, nondescript. My anxiety was showing, like the seat of a diaper beneath a short skirt. I had to reply faster.

>> It's weird??

>> But not bad weird??

>> Good weird, like other good weird things we do

>> But a lot of good weirds on top of each other means that's a LOT of weird

>> Even if it's a lot of good too

>> You are anxious

She said that so plainly, so simply. I sighed.

>> Yeah??

>> Do you wanna talk about it in person, or is text better for you?

>> I want to help with your anxiety and help you through this 😄

Weirdly enough, texting seemed simpler. I actually resented the fact that we couldn't talk baby stuff on here. It would have been so much easier.

>> Text I guess??

>> Okay. So you think that it is all okay, but having things stack on top of one another is a worry.

>> I don't know??

>> I literally can't explain this

>> It's like

>> The stuff we do I wouldn't do with anyone else

>> But at least we're kind of on the same footing??

>> This is a lot more your territory

>> And I suck at it

>> I hate sucking at things

>> Except my, fill in the blank

A joke for levity.

>> That was cute!

>> Listen. We are born sucking at things. We get good at things by experiencing them. And I know it sucks to feel like you are behind the curve; I felt that way going into high school never having worn makeup. But you have to savor the suck and stick with it. Fake it until you make it.

>> I tried that

>> And threw up

>> I was never good at faking anything

>> I'm like one of those easy-read story characters

>> The fact I kept my secrets a secret for so long is nothing short of divine providence

>> I threw up the first time I tried weed too.

>> You get better.

>> After my first final exam at college.

>> I also threw up.

>> It is okay cupcake!

I sighed. Maybe it was okay. Maybe she was right. Then why did everything feel so wrong.

>> I'm not a good kisser

>> That is for me to decide 🤔

>> Then decide

I expected her to lie. Who wouldn't lie in a situation like that? But she surprised me.

>> You definitely need practice

>> Practice I intend to give you

>> In abundance 😉

>> Welcome to Blossom Brixley's kissing class

>> You'll be graded at the end of the semester

>> We'll start today's lesson with when to kiss and when not to kiss

That was a joke, but honestly it might be a good first class. Other than "the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve", I didn't have any prompts in mind.

>> So picking you up and pinning you to the wall to kiss you in front of your Mom is a NOT to kiss moment, right? 😉

>> That. Is. Absolutely. Correct.

>> Also you can't pick me up

...wait, could she pick me up? No, I was gigantic. But she was a lot stronger than I thought. I bit my lip.

>> I used to be base when I did cheer

>> I am buff af

>> I can absolutely pick you up

I wasn't sure how, but my texting with Blossom had devolved into casual conversation. The kissing thing was still on the table, and I wasn't really sure what it meant. I thought Blossom would bring up going on a date or something, but she didn't. And I was too much of a coward. Maybe we would be like, friends with benefits or whatever. Wait, was kissing a benefit? I always thought that meant sex, but maybe that was just the platinum package. I was settling for bronze.

It was another fifty texts before Blossom asked:

>> Beach house this weekend?

>> Yeah

>> I have therapy anyway

>> Do you want to go out for dinner on Friday night after therapy, then?

It wasn't clear if that was Blossom asking for a date or not, because the two of us had gone out for dinner plenty of times. But there was fresh context now.

>> Sounds good

>> See you then