January 1st, 2023

121.)

It felt like everything was in slow motion. Everyone around me was cheering. Loud snaps of party poppers. Clinks of glasses. Embraces and kissing. Tipping of heads, taking shots. And Becky's eyes, darting ever so slightly at Blossom. Blossom, who had turned away from her to talk to me. Blossom who had asked me...

I was glad that my brain worked a thousand times faster than the real world. I had time to put my hand up, to push her away. I had time to consider where we were, how many people were around us, and the fact that this was her first kiss of the new year. I had time to think through everything, to know with absolute certainty that kissing her was a mistake.

I had time to remember what Stephanie told me. Let myself have a panic attack. Well, if I was going to have one anyway...

I looked up at Blossom and nodded my head. She wanted to kiss me.

"Okay..."

So Blossom kissed Amanda.

Right then, right in that moment, right as 2023 was newborn and screaming into the void with the dissatisfaction of existence, Blossom was right where she wanted to be: surrounded by everyone she adored, a cute girl she pulled close to her, and soft lips on soft lips.

I hadn't kissed anyone in a long time. I wasn't sure how good I was at it, but Blossom sure was. She pushed her lips to mine with gentle contact, then pushed them together with a bit of force. When she finally pulled away, I was a little bit dizzy. I wasn't sure why: anticipation maybe. And both Blossom and I were blushing.

When I was able to make sense of things again, after the moment had passed - a weird transient liminal moment, like the universe was hidden in a crack between years - I remembered to breathe. I looked away from Blossom, then around the room. I felt a little nauseous all of a sudden. The alcohol, maybe? I took another sip of it just to be sure. Then, amidst the chaos around us, I nodded toward the kitchen and made my way there.

The kitchen led out onto the back patio, into the freezing winds and snow. I stood just outside the door, warm enough to feel the heat of the house. I felt like I was on fire.

Blossom immediately went to follow, but Becky pushed past her first. She took a sharp turn at the stairs and left the party altogether. Blossom watched her go, then went to pursue Amy. She left the living room, went through the kitchen, and caught up with Amy who was standing just outside in the snow.

"Happy New Year, cupcake. You doing okay?"

"I think so..." I was pulling at my fingers, but the anxiety felt tertiary. Maybe I was still in that liminal in-between space. My thoughts were kicking up in the wind and dust was clouding my vision. Oh no, those were tears. I quickly wiped them away under my glasses. Fuck... what was I thinking...

"Wanna go for a walk? I can get our jackets from the closet?"

"I dunno..." I tugged harder on my fingers. I wished I was at home. I wished I could make some gingerbread cookies. But I was at a stranger's party at midnight, standing out in the snow.

"I'm gonna get our jackets," Blossom decided, and disappeared.

I stood there for a while as water kept filling my eyes. I kept wiping them away before they could fall down my cheeks and become tears. I didn't want to cry.

Blossom didn't take long to return, and when she got back she set her borrowed coat down on the counter by the door. She helped Amy put her coat on, and only then did she put on her own. Then she took Amy's hand in hers.

"Come on, let's walk, and if you have any thoughts that wanna become words, you let them right on out~"

We didn't make it far. We walked around the house, toward the car. We rounded the corner and I paused, standing by the fence of some stranger's house. My heart was pounding and I heard ringing in my ears.

"I don't wanna ruin everything," I said quietly. If we were still at the house, there was no way she would have heard me. Here, in the snow and quiet, it almost sounded like I was shouting.

"You haven't ruined anything, cupcake. Not a thing at all. What are you worried about ruining? What would ruin things? Tell me?"

Her tone was warm in contrast to the cold of the snow. Caring, almost maternal.

"I dunno..." I did know. A thousand, a million, a billion things. When it came to goodness, I could commit genocide. A stray tear made it to my cheek and I silently cursed myself.

"Hey..." Blossom took another step closer, putting her hands on Amy's arm.

"Everything was going well," I said too quickly. "Everything was finally feeling normal, and I went and messed it all up..."

"Well, I did the kissing," Blossom remarked, but she quickly realized that wasn't helping. Blossom decided to think up simpler questions, easy to answer questions. Yes and no. Simple. Easy.

"You trust me, don't you, cupcake? Yes or no, that's all the answers we need right now. Do you trust me?"

I sighed. What did that matter? But Blossom prompted me again, like a boy on a carpet talking to a princess.

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes..." I muttered. God help me.

"Good girl. Next question. Yes or no only, okay?" She waited for the small nod of affirmation, before she continued. "Did I say you ruined anything?"

"No, but--"

"Ah, ah. Yes or no only."

I sighed with a bit of annoyance, but her condescension didn't piss me off. Actually, it was the fact that it didn't piss me off that was pissing me off! Treating me like a child shouldn't be the way to solve my problems.

"Did I say you ruined anything?"

"No..." I repeated.

"Good girl." Blossom beamed, but kept her pride slightly in check.

"And you trust me, and you agree I didn't say you did anything to ruin things. That means that was far as I'm concerned, you did nothing wrong, and nothing is ruined."

Blossom was approaching this like an engineer.

"Next yes or no question: Do you want me to hug you right now?"

I shook my head. She wasn't right. She was missing variables. I wasn't talking about what she thought; I was talking about the truth of things.

"I shouldn't have done that..."

"You shouldn't have let me kiss you? Is that what you're worried about? Or because you needed some air afterward? Parties are intense, babes, it's okay."

Blossom took a step away from the Yes or No paradigm, because a) she wasn't perfect, and b) she thought maybe it had run its course. She heard Becky's voice in her head, telling her how Blossom Brixley doesn't chase people, how she could just cut and run. Ordinarily, she would just cut and run, but she decided it wouldn't be that way with Amy.

"I don't want things to be weird," I said. "I just got used to it, I just got used to you, and..." I crossed my arms over my chest and held myself. My teeth were chattering, but I wasn't cold. I felt numb and sick.

"Nobody gets on a bike and rides it the first time they try. Nobody puts on a diaper the first time and gets it looking great."

She'd made sure nobody was listening for that second example, but for the third one, she paused to think of a baking analogy

"Nobody gets a soufflé right the first time. You get good at it by getting used to it, and you get used to it by doing it. It's okay, you're okay. We could march right back inside right now and nobody would know any different."

"I don't care about anyone else," I said, a little louder. My tears were cold, but I didn't dare let my hands free from beneath my armpits. "I'll probably never see any of them again anyway. I care about you... and... and us, and... and..." I shook my head and closed my eyes tight. It hurt my head, and it did nothing to keep the tears inside.

"I don't want anything to be different," I mumbled, still shaking my head. I hadn't opened my eyes. I wanted to wake up. I wanted this whole thing to be a bad dream.

"What's going to be different, Amy? And I swear if you try to dodge out and tell me 'everything' I'll bite you."

I shook my head. I didn't know. Everything was the best answer I had. We kissed. You didn't just kiss people. Or, I guess maybe Blossom did. I didn't. I thought it would be okay, but now I wasn't sure. Now everything felt so ephemeral, so undefined. It used to be a masterpiece, and now it was a puddle of colors. It was a mess.

"Let me tell you what's different, let me tell you what's changed. It's 2023. That's it. That's everything. Oh, you met my friends. We can talk in the halls at school, we can hang out, you can come to the sorority house. You can get to know Becky and the rest even better. You might even join the sorority if you want to; I'd sponsor you. The fact we kissed means only what we decide it means. I can tell you what it means to me, you can tell me what it means to you. Or we can just be happy it happened, and look at 2023 with bright eyes."

I don't know why I didn't believe her. I knew we could put whatever labels we wanted on stuff, or no labels at all. I knew things didn't have to mean something. We never had to kiss again, if we didn't want to. Then why was I so scared? Why was this the catalyst for so much anxiety and fear?

Because Blossom and I weren't the same. Because all this was just fun for her, but for me... I felt my face get hot and then, very unexpectedly, I turned away from Blossom and threw up into a stranger's yard.

"Let's get you inside, alright? There's a bathroom right outside my room, and it's warmer in there and I can get you some water."

That was Blossom shifting from emotional assistance to physical assistance, and God knew she was better at the latter.

Blossom helped me off the fence but I shook my head. It wasn't a big deal. I hadn't eaten since lunch at the beach house and it was mostly just a swirl of blue and pink alcohol. Too much sugar.

"I'm fine, I'm fine..." Fuck, was I really so dramatic? I rubbed the water off my cheeks and the drool off my chin. "That must have been unattractive to watch..."

"Psh, you don't know everything I'm into; maybe puking girls in the snow is my thing?" Blossom winked and smiled playfully. "Come on, inside, upstairs. You're not the first girl to throw up at a New Year's party, I promise."

"No, no... I'm really fine..." If anything, the very visceral act of throwing up took me out of my own head. I was thinking a little clearer, as awful as that was. "Um... I think I'm going to go home, if that's okay? I'll have my mom pick me up."

"I'll drive you," Blossom said.

"No you won't," I said.

"No I won't," Blossom agreed, remembering that she was a little high and a little drunk.

"I really am okay," I said again, reassuring her. My eyes were still watering, but that was just because my body hadn't caught up with the rest of me.

"I really want you to stay the night, I…"

What was Blossom going to say? That she thought there was more that she could do? That she didn't want Amy's Mom to think poorly of her? Ugh.

"I trust you, though."

I took out my phone and sent a text. Jeeze, it was cold...

>>Pick me up??

It wasn't even fifteen seconds later when she replied.

>>Omw text me the address.

I gave the phone to Blossom to type in the address, and she did. When that was done, we both stood there awkwardly on the street corner.

"Can I stay with you?" Blossom asked. "Until she gets here?"

"I'd like that..." I said, still wiping tears from my eyes.

It was a few minutes later, standing together in the cold with a foot of space between us, when Blossom said:

"Hey, uh. Thank you. For coming tonight. And being cool with Becky and my other friends. I know they can be abrasive."

"I had a good time..." Most of it, anyway. I could have done without the throwing up, but...

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. My tears had stopped, but every so often I would have to rub extra water out of my eyes. "I really didn't mean for that to happen... I knew it would happen, and I still..."

"You still what, cupcake? You took a chance, Amy. And I couldn't be more proud of you."

"Ha..." I was leaning against the fence, wrapping my arms around myself. Blossom was shivering in my mom's coat. Being here with her... it was the best and the worst thing in the world. I didn't want to go home. But I had to. I had to be in a safe place if I was going to have a meltdown again.

"I'm glad I did," I finally said, after a long silence.

"Hm?"

"Take the chance..." I said quietly. "I'm glad I did..."

"I'm glad you did too, Amy." Blossom leaned against Amy and rested her head sideways atop the shorter girl's head as headlights approached the house.

"Happy New Year, cupcake."

My mom didn't ask what happened, which was kind of her. I was exhausted and I really didn't want to talk about throwing up on some stranger's lawn. By the time we got home, I felt like I was dead on my feet. It was probably only my exhaustion that staved off my anxiety.

Alone in my room, I expected it all to come rushing back. The kiss. Her lips on mine. Walking out in the cold. Throwing up. Leaving. How I'm so dramatic. How she must hate me. But as I ran through it again and again - because I did - I didn't feel all that upset. Actually, I felt weirdly calm.

When tomorrow came, it would probably ruin everything. I'd say something stupid or Blossom would realize what a mess I was. Or we'd go away next weekend and it would be awkward. We would have to start at square one again, and I'd have to go back to hiding diapers in my closet. All the worst outcomes played out in front of me, like movies projected on my ceiling.

But those futures weren't real, not yet. Tomorrow was a movie waiting to happen. But tonight - the night I kissed Blossom Brixley - was fossilized in amber. Tonight was untouchable.