168.)

"Well, that wasn't so bad," I said when Blossom and I were alone in the cold. Not that I really expected it to be.

"Lin seems like a great best friend to have! She's really interesting, and she's pretty honest and direct. No Sorority-Tier Doublespeak, and that's kind of refreshing. I love Becky, and all the other sisters too, but every conversation tends to feel like a game of chess. Lin's comfortable and easy to talk to."

"Yeah, that's one of my favorite things about her," I said. I never felt like any conversations with Lin were games. I didn't feel like I had to trick her or manipulate her. If I didn't want to talk about something, she let it go. If I wanted to talk about something, she let me. I wasn't sure I could handle anything more complicated. Even navigating my relationship with Blossom was hard at first.

"You're a lucky girl, cupcake. And tonight's gonna be even easier because you already knew Becks and she already knows you. So hopefully you're not feeling too pressured? Oh, and do you wanna head up to the sorority house early? Or go back to your place?"

"Uh." Neither option sounded particularly pleasing. Going back to my place meant dealing with my mom. She never had any reason to do the "keep your door open with so and so in your room" thing before, and I wasn't sure she'd do that now. But I didn't want to take the chance.

"Your place, I guess."

I didn't answer Blossom's other question until we were in her car. The one about Becky.

"I think my biggest worry is, like... I know you two fool around. So, is she like, a third wheel? Or am I a third wheel? Or is this, like, a tricycle situation?" I didn't want to be a tricycle with Becky.

"Well first of all, tricycles are rad. Second of all, you're not a third wheel and neither is she. I'm dating you. I play with her. And I can promise you that I've never put her in a diaper or fantasized about her not letting me use the bathroom. There's not a lot of crossover. And I'm actually really proud of you for sharing with me that you're insecure about this, because it's a hard thing to be open about! So how can I help?"

"I have no idea," I said, because these feelings seemed unsolvable. "I guess, I don't know the rules. Am I allowed to like, kiss you? Or hold your hand?"

"Yes, and yes. You're my girlfriend, Amanda. You can kiss me, you can hold my hand, you can sit on my lap; these are all good things. And Becks needs to get used to the idea of me dating someone anyway."

But Blossom had to ask the inverse question too.

"Now I want you to be honest with me, okay? If I kissed Becky with you around, would that make you uncomfortable? I'm not saying I would, but it's good for me to know where your thoughts are at."

"Uh..." This felt like a trick question. Like a trap. Like, I needed to say the right thing, and the right thing wasn't to answer the question honestly. If I was allowed to kiss Blossom in front of Becky, then it was only fair that Becky got to kiss Blossom in front of me too.

But Stephanie told me that Blossom can't know something if I don't tell her. That I should trust her to make the right decision for herself. So, against my better judgment, I told the truth.

"I think that would make me uncomfortable," I muttered. "I know we talked about you doing stuff like that with other people, but... I don't know. It just feels weird."

"Thank you for being honest with me, cupcake! And does that mean 'when it's around you' or 'in general'? No wrong answers, babes."

The whole poly thing wasn't so much a part of Blossom's identity as much as it just kind of seemed to be the norm to her and to most of her social group. It seemed like the notion of traditional storybook monogamy was definitely falling out of fashion, but Blossom Brixley was no stranger to false consensus bias.

"No, uh... I mean..."

It was a complicated topic. I'd never dated someone openly before, or whatever words Blossom used. I knew that our relationship was special, and that Becky or anybody else wouldn't get in the way of that. I also knew that my relationship with Blossom was special for a lot of other reasons, baby stuff aside. Blossom didn't do commitment with others like she did with me.

But it felt so anathema to allow my girlfriend to go fuck some other girl. Why? Probably because of a biological predisposition to protect what is ours. To have the security of ownership over one another. Or maybe it's just the media. You never see a three-way rom-com.

At the same time, I liked that Blossom could step outside our relationship, to get things from others that she couldn't get with me. Like sex.

So after I felt more comfortable with Blossom, enough to sleep with her, would I want to stop this whole poly thing? This open relationship style? Every time I told Blossom I was fine with it, I felt like I was just lying to delay the inevitable.

At the same time, I really was fine with it. Sex wasn't the end all be all of intimacy for me, and to Blossom it seemed more like a hobby than anything else. It felt like letting her go bowling with her friends.

But if Blossom wanted to baby another girl? Or if she wanted someone else to diaper her? Yeah, then I'd be upset. Somewhere along the way, I had started to associate intimacy with more than just sex. Or maybe because sex wasn't that sexy to me without ageplay.

Fuck, why was this so complicated? Why couldn't we just have a normal relationship? It would make our story so much less convoluted.

Alas... life was convoluted.

"I think it's just around me," I said, hoping that I was telling the truth.

"Then that's the answer I'll take for now," Blossom said, "and if that answer changes you will do your best to tell me, right? Consent is a living question, and it's always always always able to change."

This was clearly a topic that Blossom had spoken on before.

"For the record, I'm completely fine with you doing things with other people as well, but if you want to do little-play-stuff with someone else I'd like to meet them first so I can make sure they're good enough for your little self."

"Ha. Yeah, sure, but I don't think you have to worry about any of that."

"Why not?" Blossom asked.

"I don't know... I guess I don't really want to do anything with anybody else? I like what we have, and... I guess anything else just seems like too much work for me right now." To be honest, even a single relationship took a lot out of me. Between Blossom and therapy with Stephanie, I certainly didn't want to invest emotionally in anything else.

"Well, if that changes, you can tell me, too."

"What if it changes and it's not what you want anymore?" I asked. "Like, if I didn't want you to be poly."

"Hm. That's probably a conversation we'd have to have," Blossom said, more to herself than to Amy.

"Like, would we break up?"

"That's a bit premature," Blossom reassured her. "Everyone thinks it's one or the other, like either you're monogamous or you're poly. But it's a spectrum. Even monoamorous people share a lot of intimate stuff with their best friends. And then like, where's the line of exclusivity. Is it just sex? What about play partners? Or holding hands, or cuddling? Or sharing a bed?"

"Uh... I'm not sure, I guess." I shared a bed with Lin when she stayed over at my house, because we didn't have a guest room. But we didn't really cuddle or anything.

"You have to set boundaries and figure out where those lines are," Blossom said, full of experience. "A big problem with any relationship is expectations. Monogamy is like a preset, with some expectations already chosen as the default. But you don't have to always play with the default settings either. You just have to make sure your partner is on board."

"Like an open relationship?" I asked. "Or is that poly?"

"It can be either," Blossom shrugged. "Some people are okay with their partner sleeping with other people, as long as the emotional investment is singularly in their relationship. That might be more open monoamory than open polyamory."

"That sounds more like me, maybe..." I said quietly, still trying to assimilate everything Blossom was saying into my schema of relationships. I didn't really want Blossom to date other people, but I didn't want to be her only outlet for stuff like sex. But I didn't want her to baby anyone else, either. I was starting to understand the importance of conversations like this: even poly was a preset. It came with its own expectations. So it was up to Blossom and me to adjust the settings.

"When you look at the divorce rates, and the fact that people cheat on one another, and all the dysfunctional relationships out there in the world… well, it kind of makes you think about if this whole default notion of 'man and woman settle down, two people versus the world' is even the correct way to be," Blossom mused. "It's like how people say 'well there's so many more trans people now, it's a fad' and that's not the case at all. It's just that now we're okay with talking about it and people are becoming more comfortable being themselves and not hiding in the closet. I think poly and consensual non-monogamy are the same way: lots of people are probably poly but don't know how to approach it, don't know the words, don't know how it works, or think people will be upset with them. It's a whole thing."

It wasn't like Blossom to pontificate about social issues, or any issues at all, really; so this was clearly close enough to her heart for her to want to talk about it like this.

"I'm glad you're so smart about all this," I laughed. "I think I'd be lost without you."

"Aww, how romantic," Blossom teased.

"I didn't mean it like that."

"That's okay," Blosssom cooed. "I'll be here to take care of you so you never have to feel lost."

"Blossom!" I puffed out my cheeks in annoyance. But it was probably better she got all this out of her system now, rather than when we were with Becky.

Blossom grinned, and then eased off on the teasing because she knew that Amy had sensitivities and she didn't want to upset that balance.

"Listen, the cornerstone to everything is just communication. And I do mean everything. We just gotta talk about stuff, and be okay with doing that."

"I'd rather just about anything else be the cornerstone," I sighed. "But I'm getting better at communicating, I guess."

"I think so," Blossom said cheerily. She reached over and patted Amy on the head.

There was no parking at Blossom's sorority house; there never was. We had to park a few blocks away and walk all the way up to her place. Downsides of living downtown. At least this time we were both dressed appropriately for the weather. And it wasn't that cold, with the sun out. It made all the snow on the ground glisten like silver.

"I wish it snowed more often, I really do. I love the snow, and I love the color palettes of cool temperatures - they complement me a lot. Fall is the next best season; warm colors blown out to the extreme and that's also so easy to dress for."

"You're like, really obsessed with fashion," I said, digging my hands deeper into my pockets. "Why is that?" I always just took it as a part of who Blossom was. Even in high school, she cared a lot about that crap. But hearing her talk about colors of the seasons, it made me wonder if there was more to it.

"Well, for a lot of years I had trouble seeing myself as being attractive. I had a lot of self esteem issues in middle school, as you know, and when I decided to not feel that way anymore and reinvent myself, a lot of it was predicated on the idea of 'you're not beautiful, Blossom; but you can dress like you are'. So I got really into fashion stuff. I used to make mood boards and fashion plans and buy ensembles months in advance of big moments just so I could always appear like I knew what I was doing. Fake it until you make it, right? I stood on the shoulders of prettier girls until I could reach the top."

This was deep Blossom lore, and a kind of vulnerability that she rarely shared anymore.

"So, do you still think you're not beautiful, since you still focus so much on fashion?" I couldn't imagine a world where someone thought Blossom Brixley wasn't beautiful. But I didn't know Blossom in middle school.

"Most of the time I can see what other people see. I can look in the mirror and see the tall, leggy, busty girl that everyone is hot for, yeah. But sometimes, like, not always but sometimes, I still feel like that gawky little Tumblr nerd who's just cosplaying as someone pretty. I think that's why I keep up my presentation - I think it holds back those thoughts."

"Huh..." So in a way, Blossom's outfits were her own coping mechanism. They were like my baking. I thought back to the night at the hotel in New York, and how it felt when I couldn't bake. And that day, Blossom was willing to go outside in her pajamas for me. I didn't understand the gravity of that sacrifice at the time...

We stopped at her front door. She was fumbling with her keys, but I took Blossom's hand and pulled her in close to me. I had to stand on my tiptoes to kiss her on the lips, because her boots had heels.

"I love you," I said, trying to be sincere. But I couldn't keep eye contact.

The urge for Blossom Brixley, like always, was to be aloof about it. To smile and laugh and reply quickly and without thought. This time, Blossom managed to do better than that. When Amy kissed her, she put her hand on Amy's cheek and leaned down to kiss her in kind. Then she put her forehead to Amy's and smiled.

"I love you, too, Amanda Pearson."