Sunday, January 22nd

152.)

When I rolled over, the sun was shining through the window. My glasses were askew on my face. My whole body felt like pudding. I fixed my glasses and turned to face Blossom. Still asleep.

What the fuck was that…

Blossom had the kind of dreams she only really had after sex, even though she didn't. By no definition that Blossom could come up with was what they did "sex". But it was pretty close. As close as she had ever been with Amy.

"Good morning~" Blossom hadn't even opened her eyes yet, and it was more like a mumble.

"Uh... morning."

I had just sat up. Maybe I woke her. I looked down at the blankets, tucked tight over her, and bit my lip. I knew she was still in her diaper - she sure hadn't moved. But I was feeling awkward and I needed to use the bathroom anyway.

"I'll be back in a minute," I said, slithering out of the heavy covers.

"Oh you will, you'll be back? Where are you going so urgently just having woken up, cupcake?"

Blossom herself? Still half asleep.

"To change," I said. Blossom reached for me to stop me - because of course she did - but I was already well out of arm's reach. She whined.

"I will be right back," I said again, grabbing my clothes up off the floor. Blossom was still whining when I closed the bathroom door behind me.

I stood there for a moment, and took a few deep breaths. Last night felt so very far away, like it had happened a year ago. I wasn't anxious about that at all. What I was anxious about was today, about what to do now.

I cleaned myself up. I brushed my hair and my teeth, and I cleaned my face with one of the washcloths. Then I took off the diaper and put on my underwear and jeans. I balled the diaper up like I always did, but the trash can in the bathroom was so small. I hadn't thought that part through.

I finally came back out into the hotel room proper. Blossom was sitting up, checking her phone. The trash can in that room was small too.

"Where am I supposed to throw this thing away?" I asked, holding the diaper behind my back. I wasn't sure why - it wasn't wet or anything - but I was embarrassed to be holding it like that. It felt weirdly gross. Why were diapers so intrinsically unsexy the second they came off? Was that a me thing?

"Just put it in the trash can by the kitchenette; it'll fit. I'm gonna go shower; do you wanna come with?" Blossom called out from the bed.

"Uh... no, I'm... good..."

That was unusual, right? Blossom had never offered for me to shower with her before. Were things different, after yesterday? My chest felt a little tight. Why did I have to go and do that?

By the time Blossom had gotten out of bed, I had tried every which way to stuff the stupid diaper into the kitchenette trash can. It fit, but just barely. And Blossom's sure wouldn't fit. And it was obviously a giant diaper, obvious enough for a maid to find it and know. I was starting to feel sick.

"Hey."

Blossom had gotten up out of bed and approached Amy, and it seemed as though Amy didn't notice her coming. Which seemed like a confirmation of what Blossom already suspected.

"Are you having bad thoughts? Be honest?"

"No, I just. Can't find a stupid trash can for this stupid diaper." I kicked it with my foot, not even that hard, but it toppled over. The diaper didn't fall out, because I'd wedged it in there pretty good. "I know it doesn't matter, but like. I really don't want some maid seeing it, okay? I should have thought ahead... I should have brought a trash bag or something." I hadn't been to a hotel in ages; were the trash cans always this small?

"Oh! Is that it? Babes, I'll just go get a trash bag from the maids before we leave. I understand why you're worried, it's legit, and I'll take care of it."

This wasn't the dismissive tone that she might once have used with Amy. This was more like a "mom who's in control of the situation" tone.

"Yeah, fine," I said curtly. "Ask a maid for a trash bag. And they'll give you these stupid little see through ones. And they'll come in and find out anyway!"

"Okay, cupcake," Blossom said calmly. "Let's sit down."

She took my hand but I instantly tore it out of hers, like I was touching a hot flame. She looked at me with a bit of surprise, and I looked at her with a bit of surprise. Then I crossed my arms and looked away. I felt like a bomb, trying to hold myself together.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

"Alright babes, let me get changed out of this and I'll go figure out a solution. And next time we know to bring some black trash bags, alright? You trust me? I'll handle it. So give me a sec to get out of this diaper and put some clothes on and I'll solve it."

Blossom went into the bathroom and I walked over to the bed. I sat down on the edge of it, but I still hadn't uncrossed my arms. I knew Blossom was just trying to help. And I knew I was being stupid. That's me. Stupid. And this wasn't brattiness! This was just being a jerk. Why did I always make everything worse?

I ruminated on that thought until I had over a thousand different answers, which was just the amount I could come up with before Blossom came back out of the bathroom. I looked up at her and then down at my feet. I was squeezing my arms with my nails.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

"Hey. Baby girl. Can you do me a favor? Can you use your phone to find a place around here for us to get breakfast? Maybe within a five minute walk? And I'll be back from solving this problem before you know it, alright?"

"Sure..."

Blossom left the room for a moment and I got up to find my phone. It was waiting for me on the nightstand. A few texts from Lin.

>>Sooooooooo?

>>How's your romantic tryst?

>>Details!

Romantic tryst? Was that what this was? Probably. We were dating. We ran away to New York City. And we did whatever the fuck we did last night. Diaper sex or something. But we didn't have sex. It wasn't sex. And I didn't... I mean, I don't think she... neither of us...

I switched apps without replying. Breakfast options nearby...

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Blossom left the hotel room once she felt like she was dressed enough to leave. Not enough to leave the hotel, but a messy-bun-with-jammies look. It didn't take long at all for her to find a maid down at the end of the hall and flex some of her own charms, as well as her ability to generously tip. It was only five or so minutes after she left that she returned with a black trash bag in hand.

"See? All taken care of," Blossom said triumphantly, opening up the black garbage back. It was normal sized. She took the wastebasket in the kitchenette and dumped it into the new bag. It took a bit of shaking to get the diaper out.

"Mmhmm..." I mumbled, scrolling through food options. I hadn't even looked up at her when she came in. I hated this stupid hotel. I hated that they didn't have a real kitchen or flour or something to do. I had to just sit here and wait and scroll through a thousand restaurants that were all "a must-eat in NYC".

Tick. Tick. Tick.

"Did you find somewhere to eat? I feel like it's a stereotype but I'd love to hit a deli or something and get a sandwich and coffee? Maybe a bagel? What are you vibing?" Blossom, for her part, still needed to get properly dressed and set up for the day. But she was trying to put out a fire.

"I don't know," I said flatly. I wasn't angry. I wasn't loud. I just hated this whole place. I hated this whole city. Everything was just fine, and then we came here. Romantic tryst, right? Fuck.

"Well, it doesn't really matter where," Blossom said. "You can just get an address for somewhere nearby."

"It's New York City. Walk a mile in any direction, you'll find a deli. You don't need an address."

Tick. Tick. Tick.

"Alright, let's do that, then, alright?"

"Fine."

"Okay..."

It wasn't like Amy to be so standoffish, and Blossom was actually at a bit of a loss on how to proceed. She had become okay with passive, and decent with obsessive, but this kind of… it wasn't rudeness, but it was out of character for Amy. Blossom honestly felt a little caught off-guard.

Blossom watched Amy scrolling through her phone. She looked kind of annoyed; had she done something wrong?

"I'm going to get ready, then."

"So I've got a few hours," I said. Thoughtlessly.

"Hey," Blossom said, with some hurt in her voice. "Did… I do something wrong?"

I quickly shook my head. I didn't mean it like that. I didn't care that Blossom took a long time getting ready; I never liked being on time for anything anyway. But I felt so... so...

"No. I'm sorry..." But as the word sorry came out of my lips, tears filled my eyes. It was like a Pavlovian response or something, but in reverse. Usually I cried and then I said sorry, but this time it was the other way around. And tears in my eyes quickly became tears on my cheeks. Why did I have to say it like that? Why couldn't I just shut up?

As soon as she started to cry, Blossom was there by her side, sitting down on the adjacent bed. She didn't take Amy's hands, and she didn't wrap her up in a hug, because neither seemed to be the proper thing to be doing with Amanda Pearson. Instead, Blossom took a more cautious approach.

"What's going on, babes? Intrusive thoughts? Share with me?"

"I don't know..." I said quietly, under my breath, brushing my tears away. "Nothing? I guess nothing. I'm fine. Fuck it. I just..." I squeezed my phone tight in my hands. "I just want to go home. I hate it here. I hate this stupid room and there's no kitchen. And I want to make something. I want to make donut holes, or French bread, or something. And I can't. Because this place sucks!"

I threw my phone across the room. It wasn't dramatic or anything. I just threw it and it bounced off the carpet and hit the wall. I just didn't want to hold it anymore. I didn't want to keep looking up stupid restaurants.

"Okay. So. Let's go home?"

Blossom did have plans for the day: plans that she really did want to share with Amy, to make her day, to make it special, to lift her up from these tough and difficult feelings. And at the same time… was Blossom just acting selfishly, wanting to do them anyway? Clearly the selfless path was to take Amy home.

"Fine." I rubbed more tears from my eyes. Without my phone, I was picking at my fingers. I didn't care. I just wanted to leave. But of course, Blossom had a thousand hour routine to do.

"Go get ready," I said flatly.

"Let's go now."

Blossom didn't take the time to get ready. She didn't take the time to get to her maximum level of prettiness. Blossom was putting someone else ahead of her own vanity and was zipping up her bag, which may have been the first time she had done that in her entire life. And let's be real, it was hard for Blossom not to look good. Even in her lounge clothes and messy bun, she was still gorgeous.

"Amy? C'mon, let's hit the road, babydoll."

I blinked. Fresh tears dripped down my cheeks. What the fuck was she doing now?

"No. Go get ready."

"I look fine," Blossom said, rolling her eyes.

"I know that," I said sharply. "But you will literally freeze to death before you go anywhere looking anything less than perfect. So stop acting like an idiot and go get ready!"

"Psh, don't sweat it cupcake. Besides, this is a good driving outfit and we got a pretty long one ahead, right? Come on, I don't wanna miss McDonald's breakfast anyway."

Yes, Blossom hated not looking her best. Yes, Blossom was disappointed that her plans for the trip had gone awry. Yes, Blossom was worried that she was actually making things worse. But she was trying her best.

"No!" I yelled. I actually yelled, and I balled my hands at my sides like a stupid kid. Because I didn't know what else to do with them. Because if I kept pulling at my fingers like this I'd tear them out of their sockets. And because I was crying and nothing was going right.

"You go outside in shorts! You go outside in halter tops! And it's snowing! And it's below freezing! And it's windy! And you never wear boots, and you don't even wear a coat when my mom gives you one! But now, this is the time you don't care about how you look? This time? I've waited for you for a hundred hours while you get ready! I've waited every single time! So stop being stupid and go make me wait for you again! Just be normal!"

"Oh you want me to make you wait when you're in emotional distress? Is that the kind of girlfriend you think I am? Because babes, I got some news for you: Blossom Brixley's a good girlfriend, alright? Maybe not to others, but definitely to you. So suck it up and let me take care of you."

Blossom sounded… frustrated.

Fresh tears kept coming down my cheeks. They weren't drops anymore; they were rivulets. I felt sick to my stomach and my chest was aching. But I didn't want to scream anymore. I just wanted... I just...

"I just want things to be normal again..." I whispered.

"Babes. Amy. Cupcake. Hey." She knelt down in front of Amy, like she might propose to her, and this time she did take her hands. "Things are normal. Nothing has changed. I promise, alright, I pinky promise. Want me to hold up my pinky?"

I shook my head. I felt like she was lying. I didn't want her to make a pinky promise if she was lying. I kept crying, but it was soundless. No sobs, no sniffles.

"You won't get ready," I mumbled. "That's not normal... you always get ready..."

"Alright, and if I get ready, will you believe me? That things are normal?"

Blossom didn't know if that was the right answer, and she was starting to feel like she was floundering.

I nodded quietly.

"Okay, then I'll get ready."

It seemed counterintuitive to Blossom, honestly, but she was just going to go with the flow and see how things turned out. Honestly speaking… she wasn't optimistic. But she trusted Amy.

Blossom started getting ready. A few minutes ago, that would have annoyed me. I would have been frustrated at being stuck. At having to wait. But I wasn't annoyed or frustrated. I was feeling nauseous. I sat back down on the bed and closed my eyes.

What was wrong with me?

Blossom showered in about five minutes' time. She used the hair dryer for about another five minutes. And five more minutes later, she was out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, and unzipping her bag for her outfit she'd planned for the day. While she moved, she hummed a little melody, trying to project an image of normality for the sake of Amy.

It took Blossom over an hour to get ready. Honestly, that was pretty fast for her. And in all that time, I just sat there on the edge of the bed and tried not to cry. Eventually, I got up and checked my phone. It wasn't broken or anything. Then I started scrolling through it again, to find a place for breakfast.

"Okay, let's go," Blossom said. She had her bag over her shoulder. "We've got a long drive ahead of us."

I looked up at Blossom and then down at my phone. I shook my head.

"I don't wanna," I mumbled. "I wanna go to a deli, and I just wanna do what we were supposed to."

That made Blossom smile, even though she did her best to remain composed about it for the sake of Amy.

"Alright, cupcake, but you gotta promise me - pinky promise - that if you wanna head home early you'll tell me. No matter what, okay?"

I nodded.