Chapter Thirty-Four

Play with Dani had taken on a magical hybrid feeling - we still played our video games, she was still my healer, but she played from the high chair. She wore a diaper around the apartment - she wasn't wetting them, but that wasn't crucial to my enjoyment. She was vulnerable and free and that's what I wanted. I had slowly been bringing stuffed animals from Seth's place during the day while she was working, but the biggest shock to me was that she had put the crib back together herself one night, and had asked me to tuck her in.

Dani, my girlfriend, my princess, was sleeping in a crib in my apartment and wearing diapers and eating in a high chair... but at the same time she was still Dani, my friend who played games with me and had intellectually stimulating conversations with me, who shared herself with me. She was my friend and my Little, she was my girlfriend and my close friend. She was so much more than I had ever dreamed of.

But it was Friday night and she had gone out with Julian, and I was alone. I brought up her location on my phone - she had gone with him to that stupid Italian restaurant she didn't even like that much. I took a deep, calming breath, reminding myself that she was there to break up with him tonight. That she was mine, she had told me that she loved me. That everything was good.

The cynical part of me was wondering how it would go wrong.

Would he propose to her tonight? Something grand and dramatic, and he'd steal her away from me at the last moment?

I could tell I was brooding, so I texted Seth and asked if I could come by and get the rest of my nursery, the clothes and diapers, the toys and bottles. Dani was in or she wasn't. She was either coming home to me tonight, or she wasn't. And if she was, I wanted the nursery to be in its full splendor.

I needed something to keep my mind off of things.

Seth was happy to see me that night, but Jess seemed even happier.

"How's Dani?" she practically tackled me as I entered the apartment.

"She's good," I smiled, gently pushing the silly Little back into Seth's arms. "She's out tonight, so I thought I'd get the rest of the nursery stuff."

"Oh, so it's going well then?" Jess grinned, wrapping herself around Seth.

"How are you, Seth?" I turned to him as I walked further into the apartment, giving him room to close the door.

"It's good," he smiled. "Cupcake is glad to see you partially because her punishment is on hold while you're here."

Normally, a person would feel uncomfortable in this situation, that they were imposing on a friend, impeding their Friday night amorous plans. But I knew Seth, and he was giving me an invitation to pick on Jess.

"Oh really?" I asked, looking back to Jess, who was suddenly clamming up. She was wearing her favorite pink shortalls, which meant they were locked on her. "And what has your bratty, rotten Little gotten into this time?"

"I'm not rotten!" she said defensively, sticking out her tongue at me.

"Cupcake," Seth warned in that Daddy-voice he used on her. "Tell Vanessa what you did wrong."

"I heard you were coming, so I stuffed all of my stupid blue diapers in the bag that was going to your place," she said sullenly.

"Uh huh," Seth prodded her. "And what's your punishment?"

"I have to write, 'I love blue' a hundred times," she fussed, pouting, "while wearing a stupid blue shirt with a stupid blue diaper, and Daddy's going to post the pictures on my Tumblr. But it's a lie. I hate blue."

"How about," I suggested, "that you have to wear blue when Dani visits, and she'll wear pink."

"No!" Jess gasped.

"And this is why I love you, Vanessa," Seth chuckled.

"Daddy no," the Little pleaded, grabbing at his arm and tugging. "No no, please! I want to wear cute things when Dani visits!"

"And now we know we found the appropriate punishment," I smirked, grabbing a bag of nursery gear. "Thanks for holding on to this for me, Seth."

"Well Cupcake," Seth was saying as I carried the bag out the door - I'd have a couple more trips, but it would be easy enough to load. "How about this - I'll pick something pink to wear, but you absolutely have to wear it with no complaint."

"Okay," she said. I paused at the door, knowing exactly what he had in mind. It must have come in. I wanted to see her in it, so we'd need to arrange a playdate soon. "But it has to cover my boobs, I don't want to flash Dani."

"Deal," Seth kissed his Little as I slipped out.

She had no idea what she was in for.

* * *

Aubrey had abandoned me. It was Friday night and she was off with some blonde Adonis and I was with his wingman. We sat at a table and nursed our drinks. He seemed like a nice enough guy - his name was Harvey of all things, I felt bad for him. He was one of those nerdy types - you got a lot of those in Silicon Valley, and his name wasn't doing anything to help the image. He was barely even trying in his polo and khakis and his thick-rimmed glasses. He looked like he needed a pocket protector, but he wanted to listen.

"She's my roommate. We've been friends for a long time," I explained. "She helped me out of a really bad relationship." It felt wrong to spread that lie, but this guy had no idea who Vanessa was. I wasn't even going to say that the relationship was with a girl. "I'm really thankful for her."

"I'm really sorry to hear that," he seemed genuinely sad. "Do you want to talk about it?"

My head was buzzing a little from the alcohol, the bartender had mixed my Long Island much stronger than I expected, and I surprised myself with my answer.

"Yeah, actually," I took a deep breath and began, "I have this really weird fetish.. I was introduced to it by an ex-lover and I just really fell in love with it. It makes me feel safe and wonderful, but it's really weird. And I got in another kinda relationship," I wasn't going to tell the whole truth - that it wasn't a relationship, that it was my best friend who was there tonight, "and we started playing but they didn't play right at all. I got hurt... I... oh god, the bruises, I couldn't stand to look at myself in the bath, Harvey." I felt the tears threatening. "They beat me - spankings are supposed to be fun, they aren't supposed to make you bleed!"

"Your boyfriend beat you to the point that you were bleeding?" he asked in horror.

"He wouldn't stop," I cried. It was just easier to let him believe that Aubrey was a boy, that I was talking about someone else. "He was so mad that I couldn't get over my previous lover that he stepped in to give me what I was crying for, for the attention I wanted, but my old lover always stopped when I needed... he didn't. He said it wasn't punishment if I could stop it whenever I wanted. He said he was doing it because he loved me!"

The world was a blur as I cried. I didn't remember, didn't see the trip outside, but before I knew it, Harvey and I were sitting on the curb, my arms wrapped around him tightly as I sobbed into his shoulder. He just held me, for long minutes he held me.

"It's not your fault," he said quietly.

"It is!" I cried. I wasn't ready to hear that. "It is my fault! I asked him to spank me, I asked him to treat me that way."

"You asked him to stop," he pointed out. "You probably begged him to stop."

"He wouldn't stop," a fresh wave of tears came, fresh sobs.

"It's not your fault, Kailee," he squeezed my shoulders and said it over and over. "It's not your fault, you didn't ask to be abused."

He didn't tell me I should have gone to the police, he didn't tell me that I brought it on myself. He didn't tell me that I shouldn't have engaged in that play. He just told me it wasn't my fault.

"I'm so sorry I'm crying all over you," I sniffled, realizing my mascara was staining his shirt. "I'm so stupid."

"Hey," he said quietly, taking me by the hands. "You're not stupid, you're hurting. Where's your friend? I think it's probably better if you went home."

"No," I said, suddenly afraid that he would tell Aubrey the things I said. "No, she'll find me - she's off with your friend... she'll find me when she's ready to go home."

"It's okay for you to have needs," he said, squeezing me around the shoulders again. "It's okay for tonight to be too much for you, and for you to go home. When did you get out of the abusive relationship?"

"Three days ago," I sniffled.

"Jesus," Harvey hissed, "What are you even doing out? It's way too early for you to be back out here, trying to date. You were abused, Kailee! It's okay to need some time."

"Aubrey said I should find a boy... to take my mind off of... " I blushed, "My former lover was a girl. My abuser was a girl. I just said 'he' because you assumed it was a guy, it was just easier. I'm sorry, I'm a stupid liar and you probably hate me now for leading you on."

"Hey, you're not leading me on," he assured me, but my anxiety was in full swing at this point. I felt terrible. "I'm just trying to be a friend to you, you sound like you need one. Your friend Aubrey should not have brought you out here tonight, you're moving too fast, you're not ready - and that's okay. I don't care if you're bi or gay, you have no reason to apologize to me. I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time."

"Wow," I laughed between my tears, it was a strange sensation. "You're a really nice guy, you know that?"

"I hear that one a lot," he smiled sadly.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Ugh, I'm such an idiot!"

"Kailee! Kailee, it's okay," he squeezed my hands, pulling me into a tight hug. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry you've had such a bad go of it. You seem like a really nice girl and no one should have to go through what you went through."

Unexpectedly, I had a dark urge. He was being so nice to me, I didn't understand it. I didn't understand why he was being nice and I didn't understand why I had this urge. But between my emotions being out of control and the alcohol, I leaned into the urge.

"I like to wear diapers," I said in his ear while we hugged. "I like to wear diapers and that's why I couldn't tell anyone."

"Well you just told me," he said consolingly, still holding me. Why wasn't he recoiling in horror? Why wasn't he telling me I was gross?

"You're going to run away now and laugh to your friend about the stupid girl you met who wears diapers, aren't you?" I didn't mean to sound accusing but it came out that way. He was being nothing but nice to me and I was just dumping my problems in his lap and being a bitch about it.

"No," he said solemnly, the hug not yet broken. "I've got no reason to tell anyone what you told me - it's not anybody's business. Who cares what you like behind closed doors, it's not like you're getting off to torturing kittens or anything. So it's a little weird, who cares. There's weirder out there... I'm a furry."

It was me who recoiled. I felt terrible, he hadn't even flinched at my admission but I looked at him in shock.

"You? But you seem so normal!"

"Thanks," he smirked wryly, hiding his hurt - I could still see it in his eyes.

"No, that's not what I meant," I groaned. "I mean... there's nothing wrong with that, I just didn't expect it. I felt stupid for admitting mine and then you just went and told me yours and I thought I was alone and I feel so stupid... "

"Let's go find your friend," he said, his smile a little sad.

"Aubrey was the one abusing me," I blurted out. "I'm just gonna go... I'll get an Uber home or something. Tell her I'm fine, I'll text her too... "

"Your best friend and roommate literally beat you until you bled from it and you couldn't stand to look at the bruises on your own body when you bathed, and that's what you want to go home to?"

"It sounds really bad when you say it like that," I grimaced.

"Kailee, it is really bad. That's really, really bad."

"We're better now!" I realized how defensive I sounded, I knew exactly what I sounded like.

"That's exactly what an abuse victim would say," he sighed. "Look, do you have anywhere else you can go? A friend's house? Family?"

"No," I sighed in return. "Aubrey is all I have." I blinked as he pulled out his phone and started texting. "What are you doing?"

"Texting my roommate. Just promise me you're not a serial killer, okay? And don't tell him what I told you about me, he doesn't know."

"What?"

"I want you to come home with me tonight - you need some distance, you can't stay with someone who has been abusing you, Kailee. It doesn't matter if you think they're better now, it doesn't matter if you've forgiven them. The abuse was still going on this week. You need some perspective, you need some time away. You can take my bed, I'll sleep on the couch."

"Why are you doing this?" I couldn't stop staring at him, it was like he was some kind of alien creature.

"I've seen enough abuse in my life - one of the big things about life is paying it forward. Someone helped me when I was in trouble, and I'm going to help you. And hopefully someday, you'll help someone else. That's how we make the world a better place, and it needs it."