Chapter Thirty-Two
"And this one is Buttercup Jolly Hooves," Jess explained, holding up a plush unicorn with a rainbow mane.
"Hello Buttercup," I greeted the stuffie.
"Nooooo," Jess whined. "Dani, her name is Buttercup Jolly Hooves. You can't just call her Buttercup."
"Oh, sorry," I chuckled, reaching into the pile of stuffed animals and pulling out... "A chipmunk!" I squeed. Chipmunks were almost as good as squirrels, they were tiny and cute and scurried around. I hugged the chipmunk to my chest, swinging my body back and forth a bit and I enjoyed the very simple act... but part of my mind was reeling.
I was sitting on the floor of an oversized nursery, in a diaper and a princess dress, hugging a stuffed chipmunk and listening to another girl in a diaper talk about her stuffed unicorn named Buttercup Jolly Hooves.
My life had gone from very normal just a few weeks ago to downright bizarre.
I had peed myself while I knelt on a bed just a few nights ago.
What the fuck is happening to my life?
But I couldn't deny that I was enjoying it. It was like Vanessa had reached into my brain and flicked on a light switch to some dark corner that had remained dormant and untouched for most of my life. I was wearing a diaper and I liked it. That was perhaps the weirdest part of all. I liked it. I liked the crinkle, I liked the feeling, I liked how soft it was, how inescapable it felt. The 'kinkiest' thing I had ever done prior to this was some fuzzy handcuffs with Elaine, but she had hated it so we never tried again.
Vanessa had turned my world inside out and upside down in just a few weeks.
There was just something about her - the fire in her eyes, her confidence, the way it felt like she knew my darkest secrets - things I didn't even admit to myself. It was like she had known me my whole life, like she was introducing me to me. Like she was reading some secret diary that I didn't even know I kept.
I had wanted to wet myself. Part of me had been excited by the plastic sheet on the bed and I felt like an idiot for mentioning it, for her removing it.
It had been a fantasy of mine for a long time, one that I had forgotten about. The helplessness of it, the feeling of hot urine pouring down my leg, soaking my clothes, knowing that I would be in trouble, that I would be chastised for it. There was a faint memory of that very thing happening in my childhood... and some part of me enjoyed that for some reason. And now I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I was ashamed at how alluring it was.
But not Vanessa. Vanessa wanted it. Wanted me to want it. In just a few short weeks she had gone from a cute girl that bought me a drink at a bar to the very center of my world, the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep. Vanessa was gorgeous, ridiculously intelligent, sweet, kind, and she was guiding me through the most intense exploration of myself that I had ever done. She was helping me become a better person.
She cared about what I wanted.
I looked over to Jess' crib and wondered what it felt like to surrender to that degree. There were restraints on her high chair. I'd seen them. Seth could buckle her hands to the arms of the chair, underneath the tray and she would be completely helpless, unable to feed herself, unable to escape. And I didn't understand the pleasurable twitches I got in my diaper from that thought. If anyone had told me even a week ago that I would enjoy wearing a diaper, that I would be wondering what it felt like to lay in a crib as the bars on the side were raised, trapping me inside... I would have laughed in their face.
But here I was, thinking about that very thing.
And I noticed the pressure building on my bladder. I tried to let go, to just wet the diaper... but I couldn't, my body wouldn't respond. The same thing had happened to me the night on the bed. It had taken time, relaxing, imagining I was sitting on a toilet... I had barely done it when Vanessa had walked back in.
A small stuffed bear colliding with my head snapped me back to the present.
"Earth to Dani," Jess said, irritated.
"Sorry," I blushed. "I was just... thinking."
"Whatcha thinkin' about?" she asked, her irritation gone. She crawled closer, her diaper crinkling loudly as she did.
"Peeing," I looked down, ashamed.
"Do you hafta go? Just go, a wet diaper feels even better than a dry one," she laughed and laid down on the floor, poking a finger at the padding between her legs.
"Are you wet now?" I asked, surprised.
"Oh, I wet during dinner," she said as if it were the most normal thing in the world.
"What's it like eating in a high chair?" I asked suddenly.
"Do you wanna try it? We have some ice cream, I bet Nessa would like to feed you."
"No... " I felt a little lightheaded from blushing constantly. "I couldn't... "
"Why not?" she asked, this was all normal for her, she lived this way. Diapers and cribs, high chairs and stuffed animals. None of this was weird to her, and that was weird to me.
"Because I'm embarrassed," I squirmed a little, the diaper crinkling between my legs.
What am I doing?
"Oh, then you just ask Nessa to make you, then you can pretend you don't like it and that makes it okay," she laughed. "That's the best part."
"What, being forced to do something?" I asked, cocking my head to one side.
"Yeah!" she grinned, sitting up and nodding vigorously. "I get in trouble all the time so Daddy will punish me. Oh, but Nessa doesn't like that so much so maybe it's a bad idea."
"What does she like?" I asked, wondering if Jess could give me any insight into Vanessa. She was so open, but it always felt like there was a hidden depth to her that I just couldn't reach, something lurking there beyond the surface.
"Nessa is Nessa," she shrugged. "She likes you, whatever you've been doing, that's the right thing to do. I've never seen her this happy."
"How do you pee? In a diaper?" I asked - if anyone would know, Jess would.
"Um," she looked confused, "you just... pee."
"I can't, I tried - it's not happening," I felt like a complete idiot asking this silly blonde for advice on how to pee my pants.
What am I doing?
I couldn't seem to stop myself, to stop this ridiculous spiral that I was on. Part of me was screaming inside, telling me I was an idiot for enjoying this, that it was filthy and wrong and awful and...
The thought hit me like a ton of bricks.
None of the other kids would like me if I did that.
I felt tears spring to my eyes as the core of the whole thing slammed into me. It felt like my heart was tearing in two and I didn't understand it.
"Dani?" Jess asked, laying a hand on my shoulder.
"The other kids won't like me if I pee my pants," I said, the pain just spilling from my mouth. "My dad said so."
"Oh Dani," Jess' voice was full of pity, of sadness. She wrapped her arms around me tightly and held me. "It's okay. It's okay. I'm the other kids now, and I've got a secret... " she paused and I sniffled, wiping a tear from my eye. "I just peed my pants, just now."
"What?" I laughed, shocked out of my big feelings.
"I just did," she laughed in return. "Here, you can feel, it's still warm." Before I could react, Jess reached over and grabbed my wrist, pressing my hand to her diapered crotch. It was warm... and it got warmer as she held my hand there.
"Are you peeing right now?" I was shocked.
"Yep," she grinned mischeviously. "Now you do it."
"I can't. I tried!"
"Oh, I remember! When you are first starting out, it's hard. Your body keeps saying it's not okay to go now. Just... get up on your knees and close your eyes." I followed her instructions, listening. "Now, just imagine that you're sitting down on a toilet and it's totally fine to just... go."
I knelt there for a long moment, trying to convince myself, simultaneously feeling stupid and feeling clever because I had the same idea on my own... and after a while, I felt the floodgates open. Jess' hand went to my crotch and I blushed again as she squeezed the diaper between my legs. I felt the hot wetness pour out of me again, just like that night on the bed, but rather than running down my leg, it spread all around my crotch, absorbed by the thirsty padding which swelled around me, trapping the warmth in and growing squishy. It felt amazing.
You just peed in a diaper!
But that part of my brain wouldn't shut up, and it wasn't pleased.
"You did it!" she grinned a wide, guileless grin, genuinely pleased for me. "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations? For peeing on myself?"
"For letting go - for not listening to your dad's voice in your head, for doing what you wanted to do even though your adult training is telling you that it's wrong." She sat back, crawling away a bit. "It's the adult training that's wrong. They make you give up everything that brings you joy, they make you throw away your toys. Well fuck that."
I burst out laughing at her profanity, and decided to dive headlong into this silly Little game.
"Ohhhhhhh," I breathed low and long, drawing out the tone. "You said a bad word! I'm telling your Daddy!"
"Don't!" her eyes went wide. "Don't tell Daddy, I'll get in trouble!"
"You should get in trouble!" I laughed, "You said a bad word!"
"Yeah well... STUFFIE FIGHT!"
She lobbed a soft bear at my head, which hit me smack in the nose because I didn't expect it. I ducked the yellow duckling that flew at my head next and grabbed some stuffies, throwing a pink pony back at her. Before long, there were stuffies all over the room and we were both laughing like loons, when Seth and Vanessa appeared at the doorway.
"What's going on in here?" Seth asked, sounding every bit like a Daddy. Looking up at him towering over everything from my position on the floor, in a wet diaper, was strange. I felt very... Little. He was an authority figure, and I had just thrown toys everywhere. I had just peed myself. Part of me cowered before him, part of me thought this whole thing was stupid.
I pushed that part away, reveling in the squirmy feelings I got from his serious posture.
"Dani needs a treat!" Jess announced, but before I could shush her, she plowed forward. "She needs ice cream and wants to try out the high chair cuffs! She needs a treat because she wet her diaper!"
Vanessa was bending over me in an instant, her hands at my crotch, causing my cheeks to burn anew.
"Oh sweetie," her smile was as big as the world. "The aliens on your diaper disappeared. Do you have something you want to tell me?"
"I had an accident," I heard those words tumble from my lips again, the same words I had said to her before. "Are you mad?"
"I'll never be mad at an accident," she said softly, taking me by the hands. "You're such a good girl for telling me the truth. Let's go get that ice cream."
My cheeks burned anew - I was well aware of what was coming next. For some reason, being restrained by Vanessa felt like the safest thing in the world and even though the butterflies in my stomach were having some kind of parade, I couldn't stop grinning.
She led me to the kitchen and sat me down in the high chair, the padding of the diaper squishing wonderfully underneath me against the hard wood as she took me by the wrist and buckled the cuff around it. The other one followed shortly.
"Seth," she called as she snapped the tray of the highchair into place, "do you still have that pacifier that I ordered? The one you're holding for me?"
"I do," he nodded. "One sec."
My heart was racing and my brain wasn't working perfectly as I realized the situation I was in. I tugged at the bonds of the highchair and twisted in the seat, but I was stuck. I wasn't going anywhere until Vanessa released me. But I wasn't threatened by that, I was thrilled by it.
Just as I was thrilled when she pressed the nipple of an adult-sized pacifier to my lips. I opened up and accepted the teat, the bulb of it filling my mouth, the shield covering my lips.
"Oh. My. God," Jess crowed, staring at me from the living room. "She's so cute!"
"Here's your paci, Cupcake," Seth chuckled as he stuffed a similarly large pink pacifier into Jess' mouth. "Shh."
I sucked on the pacifier, feeling it bob in and out of my mouth for a minute or two, but before I knew it, the bulb was being removed and Vanessa was holding a spoon of ice cream to my lips.
"Open wide, princess," she smiled. She did look happy. She looked very, very happy.
And seeing her happy made me happy. The nickname made me happy. The high chair made me happy. The helplessness and surrender of it all made me happy.
I had no idea what I was doing or why I was going down this bizarre spiral so quickly but...
It felt amazing.