Chapter Seventeen

I let Dani sleep for around twenty minutes before I woke her - we still needed to go to the store and buy her a few outfits and some toiletries. She likely wasn't thinking about the fact that she didn't even have a toothbrush.

"Dani," I said softly, shaking her shoulder. "Come on, you can't sleep too long. We've got to go to the store yet."

"What?" she mumbled blearily as she sat up, clutching the squirrel to her.

"You fell asleep," I explained. "You were exhausted. Come on, I made you a sandwich."

She blushed, setting the stuffed toy down on the bed before following me to the kitchen. I had a sandwich cut into triangles waiting for her, with a glass of milk and a small pile of potato chips.

"Did you.. you made me peanut butter and jelly?" she laughed, sitting down at the table. "Jeez, I really must seem like a kid to you, huh?"

"Not at all," I sat down across from her, staring into her green eyes - the puffiness in her face had gone down with her sleep, but she was blushing, embarrassed. "It's one of my favorite comfort foods," I told the half-truth. It was one of my favorite comfort foods... to feed to distraught Littles. I hadn't met a Little yet who didn't like peanut butter. "I just thought you might like it, too. If you don't, I'll make you something else and I'll eat it?"

"No, it's... it's actually one of my favorites too, thanks."

Of course it is, I thought to myself, you're a Little and you don't even know it.

"So," I smiled over my own cup of tea while she crunched on chips, "is Target okay? We'll get you some clothes and then come back here for some gaming and decompression?"

"Yeah," she agreed, but a sour look crossed her face. "I need to call Julian at some point though. Ugh, that's not going to be a fun conversation. I mean, I have to tell him my place burned down, but I kinda have to explain why I'm not staying with him in the meantime... "

"Just say you're with a friend who lives closer to your job - I am closer, right - and you'll be apartment hunting soon. Better to be closer - you can deal with the emotional underpinnings later." She looked unconvinced. "I'm not saying that you should lie to him, but if you're not ready to confront those feelings then you need to give yourself the space and the freedom not to just yet. It's okay."

"You're right," she sighed. "I'm just kind of bad at hiding things - I wear my heart on my sleeve."

"And I like that about you - but your feelings belong to you and if you're not ready to talk about something, you shouldn't have to. If he presses it, just tell him you're not ready to talk about it but that you will as soon as you are."

"You're really smart," Dani smiled at me, placing a hand gently on mine.

"Understanding people and feelings is part of my job," I shrugged, patting her hand gently. "Think nothing of it. I do have a question though." This question would answer a lot, actually - how deeply ingrained was her Little self? Was it close to the surface or was it repressed? She had good reasons to repress it, a lot of societal pressure - but I was hoping that wasn't true. She looked at me intently, waiting for a shoe to drop. "What are you going to name your new squirrel friend?"

"What?" she burst out laughing - it made me wonder what she thought I was going to ask. "I don't... " she blushed, preparing to tell me a fib. She had named it already. Her Little self was very close to the surface - it was the only thing that made sense.

"It's okay," I reassured her. "You don't have to tell me, even if you did. I was just curious... I was hoping you liked the squirrel."

"I do," she smiled sheepishly. "They really are my favorite. And... " she paused, looking down. "I named him Nutsy."

My heart melted - that was the first name I had guessed for her purse. A smile of genuine warmth spread across my lips as my princess stuffed too big of a bite into her mouth and washed it down with milk.

* * *

Our shopping trip began quite well. She found several outfits that would qualify as both "mature" and "business casual" - which for women was generally very formal. She stressed over the price tags, but I assured her it was nothing. I wasn't rich by any means - living in Cupertino was obscenely expensive, my two bedroom was four thousand a month and that was just rent. Thankfully, the jobs I worked paid me well - the benefit of doing someone else's dirty work - and I had relatively few other expenses. I had a nice nest egg that would last me a long time if I had trouble finding another job, but there was currently no worry there. Lots of companies were experiencing the growing pains that A-Tech had been. I was glad that job was over, however. I had recently bought an 18,000 piece puzzle depicting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and I was itching to start on it. After weeks of dealing with crying employees and blackmail, I was ready to lose myself to the purely cerebral activity of a puzzle.

Once we had a week's worth of clothing, Dani announced that she was ready to go.

Instead, I led her to the personal care section, and picked out a pink princess toothbrush for her. I was pushing my luck here, she might take offense...

"Are you kidding?" she eyed it incredulously, though her posture didn't match her voice. She was pretending, putting up a front. She couldn't let me know that she wanted it, that's what all of the damage her friends and family had inflicted upon her was whispering in her ear.

"I thought you might like it," I shrugged, not pushing. "We can get you something boring if you want, but I thought you would like something cuter."

"You... you're not making fun of me?" she asked softly, looking down.

"Of course not," I pulled her into a hug again, I could feel her breathing was ragged in her chest already. "I will never make fun of you, especially not for liking cute things. I love that you enjoy cute things, I find it absolutely endearing. But if you're embarrassed, if you don't want the toothbrush, we'll buy you a different one." I paused for a moment, letting my words sink in. "But you do need a toothbrush."

She laughed and nodded, sniffling and wiping her eyes. I fished a tissue out of my purse and offered it to her.

"Thanks," she whispered, holding back tears.

"Princess toothbrush?" I prodded gently.

"Yes please," she whispered, nodding and blushing. "I... I actually really like princesses. Is that stupid?"

"Of course it's not stupid, Dani," I squeezed her before grabbing the pink princess toothbrush and dropping it into the cart. I wanted to talk more about it, but I didn't want to make her cry in the middle of a department store. We bought her a new phone charger and a hairbrush as well - both pink - and were soon on our way.

"I don't deserve you," she whispered as we checked out - but I pretended not to hear.

Once we were settled back in the car, our purchases in the trunk, I began the drive home... but I couldn't help myself. I needed her to understand.

"Dani," I began, turning the music down as we drove down Stevens Creek back toward the apartment. "I want you to know that you never have to be embarrassed about your likes or dislikes with me. I'm not going to judge you. I love that you like cute things - squirrels and princesses - and I'm going to support you no matter what. I care about you deeply and I want you to be happy, and to me that means that you should have the freedom to express yourself however you want. As long as you're not hurting anyone, whatever makes you happy is okay by me."

"You really don't think it's dumb?" she asked softly, her voice trembling. "An adult - I'm almost 30, Vanessa - liking stupid kid stuff? Jenni says- "

"Jenni's wrong," I cut her off, "And the Jenni you told me about from college doesn't sound like the Jenni you're telling me about now. The woman who accepted you when you came out as bisexual? The woman who held you when you cried at movies with love stories? The good friend who accepted you no matter what, no matter who you were dating? The Jenni you talked to a few nights ago, the Jenni who told you to throw away something that brings you joy - she's not the same person you went to school with and I think a part of you knows that."

Damn. I went too hard. She broke down again, sobbing and I wished more than anything that I had bought her a new stuffed friend at the store. I vowed right then that every visit to the store would include a trip to the toy aisle to get her some stuffed thing or another. We were never going to be in this situation again, where she needed comfort and I couldn't give it.

"You're right," she sobbed. "She hasn't been the same for years now and it just hurts so much to admit it. She was such a sweet person! How did she turn into this bitter woman? She's... " she hesitated, almost stopping herself. I placed a gentle hand on her thigh and nodded. "She never has anything nice to say, she judges everyone and everything. She's racist now, Vanessa - our group of friends in college was every color of the rainbow, but now she has this... contempt for people who don't look like her. I... I really miss my friend."

"It's okay to miss your friend, it's okay to mourn her loss even if she's still around. People change," I sighed sadly, I had a cousin who had done the same thing to me. When I ran away to California, suddenly she had lots to tell me about how Jesus didn't want me to be gay. It hurt and it had taken me a long time to let her go... I still ached, still mourned the loss of someone who had been so close to me. "People change, and it's not always for the better."

"Yeah," she sniffled. "I'm just not ready to say goodbye to her yet, y'know?"

"You do what makes you happy, Dani. I'll support you no matter what. It's okay to mourn what was - but you shouldn't let other peoples' opinions rob you of harmless happiness. I want you to be happy, and if that means brushing with a princess toothbrush and hugging a stuffed squirrel, then I'm all for it."

"How are you so smart, Vanessa?" As we stopped at the light, I looked over and wiped a tear from her face. Her eyes were shining as she looked at me and I could only smile softly at this precious, vulnerable person who looked at me so openly.

"Because I've been hurt," I answered softly. "I've been hurt many times in my life, and so I grew. There is no growth without pain, Dani. Comfort leads to contempt."