Chapter Thirty-Three

It was strange to be back in normal underwear under my normal clothes. It was strange to feel like an adult again, even though I had been an adult... well, my entire adult life. Being Little had been so freeing. I understood why Jess enjoyed it so much, but even then I didn't think I could live that way all time time. I didn't think I could give up my job, my career, to live the life of a toddler the way she did. But she was happy, and I enjoyed sharing that Little mindset with her for the evening.

I was deeply glad I had worked up the courage to ask to borrow an outfit.

I was pondering on how I missed the comforting bulk of the diaper when I felt my phone vibrate in my purse.

JULIAN: Hey babe, I haven't heard from you in a while. Sorry work sucks, let's go to that Italian place you like so much on Friday.

I groaned inwardly, I had been putting off dumping him for so long. It was wrong to do it over text, but it seemed just as wrong to go on a date with him and do it after. But if I said I wanted to talk somewhere else instead of the date, he would basically know what was up anyway.

I was bad at breaking up with people. Of all the relationships in my recent history, I had been the dump-ee, not the dump-er. This was the first time I'd had to dump someone in a long time.

But I needed to. I owed it to him. It wasn't his fault that suddenly I needed something different. He was a great guy, smart, kind, generous... but I felt the need to explore this thing with Vanessa much more than I needed to continue the song and dance with him.

Sounds good. I'll see you Friday.

I'd let him down gently. I'd tell him that I just needed some space, everything would work out. He was a reasonable sort.

"So," Vanessa asked as we drove home, her voice that sultry-sweet that she seemed to always have with zero effort, "what was the best part of the evening?"

I blushed and looked away, all of those Little feelings rushing back at me in a flood. The high chair, the stuffie fight, the feeling of Seth towering over me, the restraints, the diaper, the cute princess dress. The memory of childhood trauma. The evening had been a whirlwind, most of it positive, but it was a lot of feelings.

"I didn't understand Jess before tonight," I admitted, speaking slowly to gather my thoughts. "Not really. The sex games with you were fun, the cuddling was amazing, but when you... " I could feel the heat in my cheeks as I remembered Vanessa squeezing the crotch of my freshly wet diaper, "When you and Seth came in after Jess and I had thrown toys everywhere, I got this thrill... this Oh No I'm in Trouble, feeling... and suddenly Jess made sense to me. It's stupid, but I don't think I've ever felt as loved as when you just... checked the diaper. You were so gentle and I was so fragile, and I felt so incredibly small. And safe. Because I knew that you wouldn't be mad, you wanted me to do that, to... wet myself."

"So your favorite part was the rush of feelings you got?" she asked. It was so weird to have a partner that genuinely cared about the intricacies of my feelings. Julian just wanted to know if I was happy or not, Elaine had just wanted me for my body, Josh before that had only liked me because I played games. Vanessa seemed to really care about who I was, she seemed to have this depth to her that just felt so rare. She asked me hard questions that made me think about myself. She wasn't content to have a shallow, surface relationship. She had persisted after I had thrown her aside for the safer bet.

"I love you," I blurted out, saying the words for the first time as I realized how true they were. I immediately felt like an idiot - saying that for the first time was a big moment, and I didn't want it to be in the car on the highway, I had wasted it. I was so dumb.

"I love you, too," she said without any hesitation. It was just as shocking - Elaine had just stared at me when I told her the first time and we had been dating for a month. I fell in love too fast, Jenni always said so... I just couldn't help it. That was one reason I had pushed Vanessa away in the first place. Going with a boy just made life easier, the world was suited to hetero people, so appearing hetero just made things simple. I blinked back tears at Vanessa's reciprocation - it wasn't effortless, it wasn't flippant. She sounded sincere. She was so open and honest, she always said what she felt. It was refreshingly different.

"What was your favorite part of the evening?" I asked, trying to get the conversation back on track.

"I deeply enjoyed feeding you in the high chair, how you were completely dependent upon me and how you enjoyed it." I couldn't stop blushing, so many deeply embarrassing things had happened that evening but none of it fazed Vanessa in the least. This was her jam after all, just like it seemed to be Seth's and Jess'... and with that realization, I felt like the odd one out.

"Too bad you don't have one," I teased.

"Actually... "

My head whipped around, my mind spinning. Vanessa was looking a little embarrassed. I felt my mouth drop open.

"You have a high chair in the apartment? How did I not notice!?" I gasped.

"It's broken down, it's under my bed at the moment. I didn't figure you'd understand if you came to my apartment the first time and saw that... so I hid it," she shrugged. I felt a little bad for making her uncomfortable.

"Next you're going to tell me you have a crib stashed somewhere too," I joked. She shifted a little - Vanessa's embarrassment was very hard to read, she was a professional, her job involved hiding her emotions and maintaining a professional calm while people flailed around her, but I was getting good at reading her. Her eyes narrowed just a bit, her hips shifted ever so slightly, and her left hand twitched on the steering wheel, her fingers clenching and unclenching subtly. "You have a crib in the apartment, don't you."

"The guest bed is a crib," she said, my eyes felt like they might fall out of my head with the surprise. It suddenly made sense, why the back of the daybed wasn't swooping swirls in wrought iron like most daybeds. "I have one side removed and the head and foot boards lowered... again, I didn't want to spook you. You don't have to sleep there if you don't want to, you can take my bed and I'll sleep on it, or the couch."

"Wow," I breathed, reaching into my purse and gripping the pacifier that I had taken from Seth's. "Do you want someone to give up everything the way Jess did? She doesn't even have a job, right? She hinted at that."

"No," Vanessa said quickly. "Absolutely not. I don't want someone who is so deep into play that they lose themselves. I worry about Jess, I worry that she's doing herself a disservice by diving so deeply. She doesn't have many friends any more, she rarely leaves the apartment unless she's with Seth. It's not healthy."

"Oh," I said lamely. "That's sad... do you think she'd go if I invited her out?"

"I hope so," Vanessa smiled, her hand drifting from the steering wheel to grasp mine. "It would be very sweet of you. What would you like to do for the remainder of the evening?"

"I wonder," I mused, unable to hide my grin, "what it would be like to play our video game from a high chair?"

That got her attention.

* * *

It felt good to box up the last of Kailee's diaper crap. I was glad she had ignored me and not bought another case of the stupid things. I was glad that we could put all of this behind us. She said she never wanted to see another diaper again, and frankly, neither did I. Her pacifiers, bottles, bibs, and onesies were all in the box that we carried together to the dumpster.

"You don't want this," I reminded her. She was looking sad as we prepared to throw it in. "Think of all the pain it's brought to your life? Just... be normal. Or hell, be kinky but not this stuff any more, Kailee. Vanessa is a bad person, I wish you had never gotten involved with her. Everything she touches turns to ash."

"You're right," she said sullenly. "It's just... I spent a lot on all of that stuff and it's hard to just... chuck it."

"You don't need it. Let's go out dancing tonight, we'll get you laid. This was a wakeup call for me too, I have to break it off with Benny. He's married and I'm being stupid. Come on."

Together we hoisted the box up, tossing it in the dumpster and closing the lid.

It felt good to know that crap wasn't in our apartment any more, that Kailee could just be normal.

"Where do you want to go?" Kailee asked, squaring her shoulders as we walked inside.

"Let's go downtown and pick up boys, it'll be great - like old times."

"Yeah," Kailee nodded. "Want to get dinner first?"

"My favorite taco truck is downtown tonight, I saw the update on their Twitter feed - it's perfect. Let's get tacos from the truck and then go dancing. I'll be your wing-lady, the goal is to find you a boy tonight, someone to help you take your mind of Vanessa once and for all. It's her fault all of this happened. It's her fault that we went down this awful path."

"You're right," she agreed. "It was all stupid, and I took it way too far."

"Me too," I admitted, feeling guilty. "Let's just... put it behind us and move on, okay? Best friends?" I held out my pinky in that age-old gesture of friendship.

"Best friends," she agreed, looping her finger around mine. We walked back to the apartment to get ready for a night out. I never wanted to think about any of this ever again.

* * *

I felt heartbroken as I closed the door. I had just tossed my entire collection, my whole stash. Aubrey had helped me go through my room to make sure I got it all. I couldn't blame her, this whole thing had to be incredibly bad for her too. We had cried so long that night on the floor, sobbing and telling each other we were sorry. My bruises were faded but still there, and I still flinched when I heard her coming toward my room... but we were best friends, we'd work it out.

With a sigh, I opened my closet and selected a black clubbing dress, low cut - it would show off a lot of cleavage. I got ready, trying to push away the thoughts that a regular boy would never be enough again. Vanessa had unlocked something in me, but Aubrey had helped me realize it was poison. I hated myself for pulling us down that awful path. I had apologized so many times while we cried, I had realized that it was all my fault, that Aubrey had been trying to help, that she had been giving me what I wanted.

And I couldn't deny that. I had asked to be forced, and she had forced me. I had asked for no choice, and she had taken it. I had asked to be beaten and she beat me. She was right - I really had no room to complain.

I just had to figure out how to get over this part of me that hated myself now. Aubrey was right - I shouldn't want to see another diaper for as long as I lived.

I had to find someone to help me be normal.