Chapter Fourteen

It was Sunday evening before I heard from Dani again, all of her replies since our date - which had seemed really successful - were short and to the point. That night, we logged on and joined voice communications for a game session. The session itself was great, we went won four matches and only lost one, we were finding a good rhythm, discovering each other's strengths and weaknesses. She was honestly pretty good, even moreseo now that she was likely more comfortable in her own space without having to worry about what I thought. I wondered how she would perform from my place - I wondered if I'd be able to put her at ease. Her voice was strained, however. There was some hurt, some worry she wasn't talking about and it was obvious she wasn't ready. Even though it gnawed at me, even though I wanted to prod and pry, I knew it would only push her away. So I waited.

Monday night it was more of the same - she hopped on and we played, three and zero that night... she should have been in great spirits, but that distance, that tautness was still in her voice.

At the end of the night, the shoe finally dropped.

"Vanessa, I have something I want to share, but I'm really afraid it's going to hurt your feelings." There was the source of the strain.

An inauspicious beginning, to say the least.

"I'm listening," I said softly. "What's on your mind?" I refused to panic. She hadn't actually said anything yet, it could be literally anything. Assuming the worst was to invite disaster. Better to be patient and still, take the problem as it came.

"Firstly, I want to say how much I've enjoyed playing with you," she began. "You're a lot of fun. You're sweet and nice and you have this... I don't know, depth to you that most people just don't seem to have. I feel like I can share anything with you."

"I appreciate that," I added after a momentary pause. She was struggling.

"I'll understand if you don't want to hang out with me after this," her voice shook a little, she was honestly frightened. "But things are getting... more serious with Julian. I really like him and I want to give it an honest shot. Ugh, this sounds so cliché but I just want to be friends. I don't want to lose you, I want to keep playing with you, but I can't date you right now."

"I understand," I said evenly. I was hurt, it was true - I had thought she would be mine. Damn Seth for not having that dirt already so I could avoid this pain. So I could have driven him away by now and had Dani all to myself. "Dani, I still want to be your friend." That much was true, but it wasn't the full truth - I still had designs on her, and I still felt that she could be mine. "I'm not going to abandon our blossoming friendship just because you don't want to date me. It's really hard to make a friend as an adult and I feel like our friendship could grow to be one that is very deep. You're a really special person, and I'm glad that I met you."

"Wow," she breathed her relief, I could almost feel it through the headphones I wore. "Thanks Vanessa. Wow, I really expected you to be upset... "

"I'll be honest," I interjected, "I'm disappointed. I deeply enjoyed our dates and I don't think friendly outings will be quite the same, but I respect your decision and I value your friendship too highly to just walk away."

"That's... incredibly mature."

"You sound surprised," I teased gently. "Did you think I was immature?"

"No!" she said quickly, "Not at all - it's just that most people don't handle rejection this well."

"You're not rejecting me," I countered. "You're accepting someone else's advances and that means I have to back off - that's not a rejection, just because someone else has your affection doesn't mean you don't like me."

"Exactly!" she sighed. "I was so scared you wouldn't understand, I'm sorry I doubted you."

"No worries," I said softly, "Are we playing tomorrow?"

"Absolutely," I could hear the joy in her voice, the comfort. "Goodnight, Vanessa. And thank you."

"Goodnight, Dani. Sleep well."

My heart sank and I took a deep, cleansing breath as I set the headset down. I pondered starting the hunt anew, trying to find another Little-to-be... but Dani seemed so perfect. The Little lurking under the surface was waiting to be rescued. She had so much pain and fear over being judged - for her preferences, for her tastes. I wanted to help her with that, to show her that she could have all of those feelings in a safe place, in my arms. She could be silly and cute and young-at-heart in my embrace. I wanted to unlock that part of her and set it free...

And I wanted it too strongly to give up now.

* * *

Seth finally contacted me on Tuesday evening, after a mildly harrowing day. One of the firings had become extremely awkward. It was standard policy to deny someone access to their workstation and desk once they had been given news - their belongings would be packed up and returned to them in a box, but this individual was insistent that she needed her journal that very afternoon, but that no one was allowed to retrieve it.

I ended up having to get it myself, as most of the other people handling this part of the process were male and this made her deeply uncomfortable. Personally, I didn't care about her discomfort and would have been fine shipping her belongings to her like everyone else, but the request had been granted by the COO. The journal was a pink thing with the words "be positive" scrawled across the front, and this young lady had been visibly relieved to receive it, but needed several reassurances that I hadn't even opened the cover. Why someone would leave something so intensely personal in a workspace was beyond me, but she had concealed it quite well in the cabinet of her cubicle.

There hadn't even been anything of note in it - it was mostly her recollections and feelings, there was no sensitive data in it and thus no security breach.

So when Seth finally appeared on my television - unannounced, as was becoming disturbingly regular - I wasn't particularly in the mood to talk.

"Hi Nessa," Jess bubbled at his feet before he could even offer a greeting, drinking what appeared to be orange juice from a tall glass with a positively ridiculous curly straw.

"Hi," I returned. I didn't really have the energy to fake emotion after having done so all day, coddling and consoling distraught ex-employees. So it took me a moment longer than usual to register Seth's expression - genuine concern.

"Dani's in danger, isn't she?" I asked, sitting up straighter and setting my dinner aside. "He's a psycho, isn't he?"

"He's clean," he said solemnly. "Stand up guy, network engineer, on the path to upper management, does volunteer work, no arrests, streams in his spare time - but he runs a clean channel. He's actually a nice guy, and attractive. The worst thing I could find is that he has a bad habit of being late to return his library books... yeah, he still goes to the library on the regular."

"Well shit," I groaned. "What are the odds of that?"

"In this town? You know as well as I do. That's why this took me so long - I looked everywhere I could think of. The guy's just... clean."

Seth knew she had asked to be "just friends" for now - I wasn't hurt by it, I was still hopeful, but this development might push the timetable out longer than was reasonable. I might have to start looking again soon if I wanted to find my Little - no matter how perfect Dani seemed, there was always another girl out there somewhere who could be my match. There was no such thing as a "soul mate", a perfect person. It was all just degrees of compatibility and if Dani wasn't going to be available any time soon... well, I might need to give up.

The thought was saddening.

"Nessa?" Jess' asked gently. "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay - it's good news. She's got a boyfriend who is a really great guy. I should be happy for her, right?"

"It's okay to be sad," Jess answered softly. "I wish you were here so I could hug you."

"Thanks, Jess," I sighed. It was going to be difficult to compartmentalize these emotions before I played games with Dani tonight - I wanted to keep that routine going, just in case. And being sad that she was happy was NOT the way to stay friends with her - no one wanted to be reminded that they caused negative feelings in someone else.

"How about we go to the club this weekend?" Seth offered, his usually impassive expression gentle, concerned.

"Honestly Seth, I'm not ready to start hunting anew, and especially not there. Subs already know the joy of submission, and the Littles either want a more extreme fix or... I'm just not ready."

"I understand - if you change your mind... "

"I'll let you know. Thanks for doing all the legwork. It would have driven me crazy sifting through all of that while finishing this A-Tech job. It's almost done."

"Well that's good news, you'll have some free time again soon." His voice was subdued, gentle.

"Yeah," it didn't feel like good news - it felt like I was losing a great distraction.

* * *

I sighed sadly and rested my cheek on Daddy's leg. It didn't seem fair that Nessa couldn't just find a Little. I mean, I understood - I hadn't exactly been head over heels with the idea at first, but that felt like a lifetime ago now. I had almost laughed in Seth's face the first time he had tried to diaper me. Little games before that had been so innocent in comparison to what they were now - teasing about how young I was acting, telling me how adorable and cute I was, prodding me about getting to the bathroom on time. It all seemed so obvious now, but at the time I had no idea what he had been working toward.

And now, I wouldn't trade it for the world. His hand came down and gently caressed my hair, his fingers digging in and massaging my scalp. His hands were so big, so strong. Some days it felt like he could just pick me up with one hand and hold me there.

"It doesn't seem fair," I said to him quietly. "Nessa would be a great mommy. This Dani girl must be stupid."

"Hush Cupcake," he scolded, but his voice was soft. I wasn't in trouble. "Some Littles don't know that they're little. I seem to recall a very fierce woman named Jessica who was absolutely convinced she was a big girl."

"Yeah, well she was a big dumb dummy-head, too. You and Nessa can tell a Little from an adult, even if we can't - her Dani should just lay down and get diapered already. She'd be so much happier."

"If I know Vanessa," he chuckled - and he did know her, better than anyone. "She's not only picked someone who doesn't know they're a Little, she's picked someone who thinks they're vanilla. She won't have even gotten a closet kinkster like you were."

"What can we do to help her, Daddy?" I climbed into his lap slowly, giving him lots of time to object and put me back in my place on the floor - he didn't, which meant cuddles were okay right now. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself into his lap, his hand on my bare thigh, so near the thick diaper he had taped me in when he came home.

"We can't, Cupcake. We can't. If we try, we'll only make things worse. Either something gives with Dani, or Vanessa gives and we play emotional support again."

"But she didn't even ask for support with Lauren," I pouted. "I didn't even know she was serious until I was in trouble - she had been so sure and Nessa's never wrong."

"Everyone is wrong sometimes, sweetie." He kissed me on the nose... I couldn't help but giggle.

"Not you, Daddy."