Chapter XLIV

It was the worst I'd ever felt. Worse than Adam rejecting me. Worse than wetting myself in my office. My head was swirling with delirious shame and self-hate. I'm so pathetic. I'm so disgusting. And when Cora picked me up and the messy diaper squished into my skin, I let out a loud sob. But the way she held me. The way she spoke in my ear. I hated myself so much, but I felt safe in her arms. She took me to the living room, in front of the television, and sat me down on the sofa. The massive mound in my diaper flattened against my bare bottom and I started to wail. Awful. Horrible. Disgusting. I hated it. I hated myself. I hated everything. Everything but Cora's fingers, cradling my cheek, and everything but her eyes, staring into mine.

"Shhh... shh... you're so beautiful right now, Nattie darling. So vulnerable, so open and so honest. This is the most beautiful I've ever seen you, in this moment of... surrender." Her fingers played the cheek of Natalie like a piano, and she guided her gaze with expert precision, making sure to maintain every single bit of eye contact and focus. "Mommy loves you. Stay here for just a moment, okay?"

I think I nodded my head. I wasn't sure anymore. Through the blurry tears and the lightheadedness from crying so hard, I could hardly tell up from down. But the moment Mommy left me alone, I had the presence of mind to stand up. I didn't want to sit in this. I didn't want to feel it against me. But standing up wasn't any better. The diaper was heavy and thick between my legs, pulling down at my hips. No matter what I did, I couldn't escape the feeling. Or the smell. A familiar stink, like a cloud around me. Tears ran down my cheeks and dripped off my chin.

Of course she immediately stood up, and Cora knew that she would. This was something entirely new to her, something she was going to get used to, to normalize and accept as part of the very core of herself. But that would take time. So Cora didn't punish her for disobeying when she got back, bottle in hand. She just shared a thoughtful and maternal smile.

"Oh, darling, you got up? Silly girl."

I looked at the bottle and scanned her person for a fresh diaper. But she didn't have one. I shook my head in a panic and fresh tears fell down my face. "P-please..." It was the first word I'd said since it happened. I just wanted to be changed. I just wanted out of this horrible thing...

"Your changing supplies are in your room, darling. We'll go up there right after I get some fluids in you. So I'm going to give you your baba now." Cora sat down on the sofa and fished for the remote to put on Natalie’s favorite television show. A few minutes. Next time, it would be for longer. That's how normalization worked. Honestly: Cora was giddy.

I shook my head over and over. "No... please... please..." But Mommy wasn't having any of it.

"The moment you finish your bottle, I promise we will get you changed."

I looked at the bottle in her hand and felt my stomach sink. It would take me at least ten minutes to finish it... ten whole minutes. But what other choice did I have? Mommy made my decisions... so I reached for the bottle with sickening discomfort.

It was a smooth transaction - Cora handed off the bottle to her daughter, and took her by the waist in the same motion, pulled her back into a sitting position but this time on her lap. It was not a pleasant smell to Cora, but she knew what it meant and that it was a victory to celebrate. This was all finally happening.

I wiggled on Mommy's lap in an effort to stand back up, but the movement made it so much worse. So I sat frozen in place and fumbled to put the bottle between my lips. The milk was warm as it splashed against my tongue. I sucked as hard as I could, but only dribbles of milk came out at a time. All the while, the room started to smell worse, and the squishiness in my diaper was growing less unfamiliar...

"She's your favorite, isn't she?" Strawberry Shortcake was on the television and the character that Cora was talking about was Blueberry Muffin; she had a pet mouse named Cheesecake and Cora paid enough attention to Natalie's conversations with Sam on the sofa to know exactly who Natalie liked (although Apple Dumplin' would have been a more logical choice, Cora mused to herself.) Distractions led to engagement and engagement to distraction, normalization.

I answered Mommy's questions with head nods and head shakes, sipping as hard as I could on the bottle. And maybe it was the warm milk, or maybe it was the sucking motion, or maybe it was the growing familiarity of it all... but by the time the bottle was gone, I was no longer crying. I looked up at Mommy with glossy, tired eyes and handed her the bottle.

"Please..." I begged quietly.

"This isn't a question you need to ask, darling, someone will always change you just as soon as it makes sense. Trusting Mommy and Daddy to take care of you isn't easy, but you're doing so very well." And ten minutes had been a really good length of time, too. "Just this once, I'm going to change you even though you asked for it, but in future I need you to trust, okay? Let's take you upstairs." This time, Cora would change her. But Sam did have to learn and soon.

Every step was agony. Every stair was a nightmare. By the time I made it to the third floor, to my bedroom, I was sick with shame. But no tears came to my eyes. I'd exhausted myself, through and through. And when Mommy put me down on the bed, I did nothing more than wince at the shifting mess in my diaper. I looked up at the ceiling with exhaustion and tried not to think about what was about to happen...

Certain sensations could fade with time, but when Cora untaped the diaper, everything came back. The smells, the feelings, the maternal way that Cora wiped her little girl clean was reminder enough that she couldn't possibly look after herself. And the worst part about it was that Cora had already mentioned the future, mentioned this happening again. Whether or not she was ready to process it, Natalie had to know that this was her new normal. This was who she was.

A fresh diaper had never felt so wonderful. Soft. Fluffy. Light and airy. Mommy pulled my nightgown down over the unicorn diaper and patted the front. My chest filled with that warm delightful sensation and I was reminded that it was finally over. Everything was back to normal...

"You look so tired," Mommy said. "You had such a long day. How about we get you down for an early bedtime tonight?"

I nodded without thinking.

A fresh diaper. A tummy full of milk. A newly reinforced sense of self and surrender. What else could a girl help to go sleep with? Oh, that's right - a bedtime story. And Cora was more than happy to deliver on that, too, after tucking her down into her bed.

"Goodnight stars, goodnight air... goodnight noises everywhere."

Cora closed the book and looked down at Natalie, sound asleep. She was sure, actually, that Natalie hadn't made it past the first page or second page. She leaned down and kissed Natalie once on the forehead and tip-toed out of her room.

* * * * *

"So?" Ando waited in the living room with an unfamiliar expression. Anxiety. He had been testing Natalie's responses at work, and they weren't as strong as he would have liked. But he called her Daddy, didn't she? So maybe things were okay. He really wanted things to be okay...

"She's surpassed my wildest dreams. She cried and she was so very ashamed, but she stayed in my lap and she took her baba, and she stopped squirming and wincing. She wants this to be her normal, husband." Cora didn't usually allow fanciful words, but she was on cloud nine here.

Ando let out a sigh of relief and hugged his wife tight in his arms. Then he kissed her with the force of a freight train. "I wish I could have been there... but we both know it had to be you this first time." Maybe next time, Ando thought happily.

"She needs this, my love, she needed this and that's why she's accepting it; she's not fighting, she's not looking for a way out, she's not searching for a motive - she needs us so much as we need her, I cannot believe how lucky we are." She leaned into his arms, contently.

"Have the office workers been NDA'd and compensated? She's going to be going through some work changes maybe sooner than we thought." The singsong tones of Natalie chirping 'Dadddyyyy, I needa channnnge...' danced in Cora's imagination.

"It's all taken care of. And Prin is more than happy to take on any additional responsibility as things change around the office, too." Actually, it had been Prin's idea. Ando kissed his wife on the top of the head and held her hand in his. "Come. We should spend time alone. Soon, we'll have a newborn in the bed with us." And with that, he led his wife to their bedroom.