Chapter XXXIV

Sometime in the middle of the night, I rolled over in discomfort. Then, a minute later, I did it again. Ten, twenty, thirty minutes passed, and I was forced to sit up. Unconsciously, on auto-pilot, I walked into my en-suite and pulled down my pajama pants. But I wasn't wearing pajama pants. I looked down at the diaper around my hips with sleepy eyes, then at the toilet. I really had to pee...

I stood there for a minute, thinking to myself. Take the diaper off, obviously. The most logical option. But Cora said I was wearing them from now on. But she didn't mean wetting them. She meant, as a precaution. I could use the toilet. Right? Of course! But all the same, I hesitated. I remembered that huge sippy cup I had when she was dying my hair and suddenly started to regret it.

I could ask her in the morning. That was the best way to handle it. No getting in trouble. No worries. Right? So I shuffled back into bed and closed my eyes. I tried to sleep, but the pressure in my bladder was uncomfortable. No matter how I rolled over, it wouldn't go away. After another half hour, though my eyes were still heavy, I gave up on sleeping. I climbed out of bed and shuffled out of my room. The maids' doors were closed, including Sam's. I tip-toed down the stairs, toward Cora's room. But when I got there, I thought better of it. She was sleeping. I couldn't wake her up for something like this.

I made my way back upstairs and tried to get comfortable again. But no matter how heavy my eyes were, I couldn't sleep for more than a minute at a time. I wiggled around and whined to myself. Then I checked the clock. 3:05am. Cora wouldn't be up for another three or four hours.

With irritation, I stormed into the bathroom. Just take it off. Use the toilet. Explain to Cora. She will understand. She's always understanding. But when I reached for the tapes, it felt weird. It felt like I was breaking her rules. I should have asked about this ahead of time: what if I had to pee in the middle of the night?

Eventually, I sat on the edge of my bed, wiggling side to side. I had to do something. I couldn't sit here all night, could I? I had to make a choice. Make my own decision, or let Cora make one for me. But I knew the answer before I asked the question.

With quiet resolve, I went back downstairs and knocked on Cora's bedroom door, shifting from one foot to the other. Had to pee, had to pee, had to pee...

"Come in, darling." Cora's voice was not the exact same chipper tone it usually was, it was groggy, sleepy, obviously the tones of someone who'd just been woken up in the middle of the night, really. But even when the door was open, when Cora sat up in her bed and rubbed her eyes to look at Natalie, she still looked the very image of professional.

She wore a button-up pajama top and her hair was pulled up into a loose bun. Even in the moonlight, she was gorgeous. I took a shy step into her room and saw the lump of blankets next to her. Mr. Gladstone. I hope I hadn't woken him... "I... c-can we talk? I.. I think I didn't understand something..."

"Of course, darling," She yawned, patting a spot on the bed by her other side, away from Mr. Gladstone. "You did the right thing to come to me, I do make all your decisions, don't I?" What a good girl. Although this was undoubtedly about her diaper at this time of night.

I looked nervously at the lump of blankets and Cora encouraged me once more.

"It's alright - he's a heavy sleeper."

I nodded softly and stepped toward Cora, but I didn't sit on the edge of the bed. I was dancing from foot to foot as I stood. "Um... I know you said I have to wear these until the accidents stop," I whispered, quiet not to wake up Mr. Gladstone. "But I can still use the bathroom if I need to, right?" Of course I was right.

"Actually, I think the decision I made is to not have you use the bathroom at all." This, to Cora, seemed to make perfect sense. To Natalie, this was probably madness; but it would be a galvanizing moment in her trust of Cora to just allow it. A no-going-back point.

I looked at her blankly. I wasn't following her logic. But did I ever? I bit hard on my lip and danced in place. "I... I don't wanna do that. I need to--"

"You agreed to wear diapers, right?"

"Yes, but--"

"All the time?"

"Yes, I know, but--"

"And you can't put them on yourself, as you've proven."

I felt a blush on my cheeks, remembering my awful attempt.

"...well, that's..."

"So if you take it off, how will you get it back on?"

I blushed deeper and looked away. "You... um... could help...?"

"I could, but it's the middle of the night. I am often not up at this time, and you shouldn’t be waking me up every night either.” She spoke with such certainty, such clarity, it was hard to argue.

"But--"

"That's all there is to say on the matter," Cora concluded. "In the morning, I will get you changed. If you can hold it until then, we will talk."

I looked forlornly at the woman as she laid back down in bed. I'd already been holding it for an hour, and I thought I was going to explode. My frustration boiled over and I snapped at Cora: "Then I'll just use the toilet!"

Mmm, maybe she wasn't quite as far along as she seemed to be, Cora sighed inwardly. "You'll go back to bed and I'll change you in the morning." Cora repeated. "I make your decisions, and I've never ever led you down the wrong path, have I? So you'll be good, or I'll very cross."

"I don't care!" I said, a little too loudly. "This is dumb and I don't like it and maybe I don't wanna let you decide stuff for me anymore!" But even though I was quietly shouting at the woman, I could hear how hollow my words were. Cora had been the best thing that had happened to me since Adam, and losing her scared the hell out of me. But why would she do this to me? I wasn't a baby! Tears dripped down my cheeks and I ran out of her bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

* * * * *

"Are you quite done, darling?" Cora was in her pajamas, and looking more awake then before - she'd given her charge a few minutes to calm down before she sought her out, and she was so easy to find and oh-so predictable. Cuddled up on the sofa, cushion pulled up over her chest and her moping face.

"Leave me alone," I muttered, in the least convincing voice ever imagined. I pushed my face into the pillow and shivered in place. I had to use the bathroom. But I didn't have Cora's permission. I'd sit down and spiders would climb all over me. Or I'd break the toilet. Or I'd lock myself in, and they'd have to take the door off to get me out. And it would be my fault. Everything would be my fault. No safety net... no security... just me. Alone.

"You know, if I felt like that was what was best for you, I'd have decided to do that, and yet here I am." Cora sat down next to her child-to-be with a little smile, and leaned in close. "What does that say about what's best for you, my little darling peach?"

I couldn't handle it anymore. This dichotomy. I felt like I was at war with myself, like I couldn't help but fight. Why would I do that? Was I so used to fighting that I didn't know how to stop? But when Cora wrapped her arms around me, I started to weep. Tears poured down my cheeks like waterfalls. "Why am I so awful at this... why can't I just do what you tell me...?"

"You've had twenty three years of being told that you have to depend upon your own decisions and your own decisions alone, and it's been only a few days of you trying out your new freedom of doing what I tell you to do ~ it takes practice, darling. Hard work. And your pretty little brain—“ Cora ran her fingers through Natalie's hair and ruffled it some “—is going to tell you all sorts of scary things, and you're going to fill with doubt, but there's always one answer, one solution: Cora knows best." And then, she dropped the notion upon her. "As a very young child, you knew that Mommy knew best. Maybe we can use some language to help you tap back into that level of naturally existing trust?"

I felt a blush on my cheeks as I looked up at Cora. Sam said something like that earlier: that I thought of Cora as a mom. And in a way, maybe I did. She took care of me. She made me feel safe. I loved her. Not romantically, but in a familial way. I barely knew her, and all the same... I knew with certainty that I loved her. I looked away, ashamed, and bit my lower lip.

"I'm twenty-three... I don't need a mom..." I had a mom. She lived three hours away, and we only saw each other on holidays. But she hadn't made me feel this way since I was five years old. When she heard about Adam, she was so disappointed in me…

"Not a Mom, darling, a Mommy. A connection to the very hidden away you," Cora touched her finger to the girl’s chest, "that hides away in here." Her finger moved up and booped Natalie on the nose with a bright smile. "Words have a lot of power over us, and the right words could help you break through some of these struggles you're having with doing what's right."

"I really don't see how that would help," I muttered shyly, looking at my feet and wiggling uncomfortably on the sofa. It was the middle of the night and my head was foggy with sleepiness. "You're my boss's wife... and I mean, I... I feel..." What did I feel? "I feel close to you. So close. And... but..."

"Closeness is a very good start, darling, but it's not proven enough for you to truly surrender your choices to me, not all of them. In true safety, I would tell you not to rouse from your bed when you needed to use the bathroom, and that you would be taken care of in the morning. I might pull you into my lap and have you do your business here and now. But your heart struggles, your little sense of self so conflicted and torn. Just as you're conflicted now over such a simple word as 'Mommy'. Try it on, my darling, say it out loud, feel how it is to accept me."

"This is really stupid," I said flatly, crossing my arms over my chest. "I'm not calling--"

"If it's truly my decision, then you'll say it."

I looked up at Cora nervously. She was so sure of herself. I'd never been that sure of myself in my entire life. I closed my eyes and let out a long, exhausted sigh. "...I still think this is stupid," I muttered. But she was right. If I wanted her to make my decisions, I had to let her. I fumbled for the word in my head, struggling to push it to my lips. And when I did, my cheeks went crimson. "M...Mommy..."

"Mommy, please may I use my diaper,” Cora prompted, not letting the momentum become lost in a pause for consideration, she pulled Natalie into her lap as she spoke, one smooth motion, and pulled her tight into an embrace that was altogether softer than her husband’s but no less comforting. Safe. Warm. "I'll be so proud of you for saying that, darling, I know you'll ask it for me. You long to know the answer."

I glared at Cora with irritation, but I didn't push myself off her lap. I was comfortable with her arms around me. I wanted to stay here... with her... "I'm not saying that... definitely not. And I still wanna use the toilet. I don't see what this has to do--"

"Correct. You don't see. I do. Like you didn't see why diapers were important. Like you didn't see why your outfits at work were important. Or your new relationship with Sam. You don't see."

I looked away from her but she took my chin and forced my eyes to meet hers.

"You're going to face some struggles, and Mommy knows best - always. That's what this means, Natalie, darling, and you're so much happier now. If everything I've guided you to has only left you happier, does it really make any sense to struggle against it?" Cora was firm, unyielding, like an armor that could spare Natalie from the world at large. Protection.

"But... I'm..."

"Shh. No more thinking. No more decisions. I'm going to make every dream of yours come true, and all I want is for you to trust me. Do you trust me?"

I looked at Cora with awe, with worry, but... "Yes, I trust you..." That was the truth. She said she would make every dream of mine come true, and I believed her. "I trust you," I repeated. "Mommy..."

"Good girl, now let's put to rest your very concern that started all of this tonight, I want you to relax and breathe and let go. And remember, I'm Mommy, and Mommy knows best. Outside of work, that's what I expect you to call me from now on." Eventually at work, maybe, but soon she wouldn't need to worry about being at work at all so it was a non-issue. "Now, use your diaper for Mommy, darling. Show me how much you trust me."

I didn't understand. But I never seemed to. I kept fighting her, every step of the way. But she always made my life so much better. So much easier. From now on, I wasn't going to fight. If I didn't understand, I would trust her. I knew I always should have. So I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I tried to relax. I tried to push. But nothing happened. "I... uh. I dunno if I can..."

"You're trying too hard; to much thinking and too much worrying. Let's try something new, come now princess." Cora would take Natalie to her bedroom, her pretty decorated bedroom that was core to everything she wanted her adopted daughter to become, and when they got there, she'd lay down in bed with her and hold her closely. In future, Natalie might come to sleep in bed with Cora and her husband on the regular, but tonight it would just be the two of them and it would be Natalie's bedroom.