Chapter XIX

Lunch couldn't come soon enough. So far, today had been one of the worst days of my entire life. Not only was I spanked by my boss - which was becoming normal - but I had to spend two entire hours rubbing some crazy lady's feet! I put in an order for subs at the local sandwich shop and went out to talk to Prin. "Hey, um. Could you pick up food?" She looked at me with a complete lack of enthusiasm. That wasn't like her. "About earlier..." I muttered under my breath.

"It's not good, Natalie baby - you've worked really hard to show everyone here how sweet and innocent you are, and hearing language like that..." She sounded so disappointed…

"I..." I looked at Prin's desk, then at the rest of the office. The cubicles. The break room. I had worked so hard this past month, building a life for myself here. Building an image that people enjoyed. Suddenly, I felt very unwell. "I'm sorry... if I can make it up to you..."

"I don't know if there's any one thing you can do - maybe just... do more of what you've been doing? Dress cute, be sweet and bubbly...? Maybe if you keep being you, all this will blow over faster?” Prin said, to the girl who was already in short-alls and padded undies.

"I have a new outfit?" I said with a little smile. "Um... it's... it's really not work-appropriate, but Mr. Gladstone said I could wear it tomorrow?" I felt sick. Queasy. The way Prin was speaking to me was heartbreaking. It actually made my chest hurt. "And I could apologize to everyone? I was upset... I didn't mean to..."

"I don't know… buckle down and be your best you. Maybe ramp it up some, okay? It's hard for anybody to stay mad at someone who dresses so cute, right?" Prin smiled weakly. "I need to go pick up food, now."

"Okay," I muttered, and Prin walked off toward the door. I stood there for a minute, unsure of what to do. I felt too scared to talk to Mr. Gladstone. Too anxious to go back into my office with that woman. Too ashamed to stay out here with my coworkers. So I took a walk. Down the elevator, out into the city, and toward the park. I fished my phone out of my pocket and dialed Cora's number.

It didn't take Cora all too long to answer, and she insisted on engaging the call in video mode. When the image of her flickered up on Natalie's screen, Cora was sitting... in a studio, maybe? "Hello darling, how nice to hear from you!" Cora looked over her shoulder, gave some instructions, and looked back at the camera. "Oh you look forlorn, what's the matter?"

"I... um. I don't mean to bother you at work..." I didn't even know what Cora did for a living, actually. But that wasn't important right now. I ducked into an alley near the park, out of sight, and leaned up against the building. Tears started to fill my eyes. "I... I think I messed up... I think I did something bad..."

"Oh darling girl, no no, what happened? Oh my poor baby, where are you? I'll be right there. Send me the address and I'll hop a car right this moment. Mommy's coming, darling." Now, what was curious here was her choice of words: Mommy. Taken at face value, it was likely just a maternal response to seeing someone she cared about in tears. But that word planted a seed, too. It was so intentional. So deliberate.

Mommy? No, too much was going on. The thought was ejected from my head as quickly as it appeared there. I shook my head and wiped my tears. "I can't, I gotta work... I... I just... I said a bad word, and everyone hates me now, and... and I thought I could just look cute and everyone would like me, but now they said I'm not the same 'cause I swore and..." I completely broke down, sobbing in the alley.

"Oh darling, I see, I see. I'm going to come get you, okay? I'll swing by the house and have Sam make you your favorite sandwiches, doesn't that sound nice? Then take you back to work.” So she swore in the office? Cora's head danced with opportunities. "Mr. Gladstone didn't hear what you said, did he?" Her voice was lower now. "No I suppose I would have heard if he did..."

When Cora talked about Mr. Gladstone, she became very serious. Then it dawned on me: even Cora was worried about it. If he ever found out, that would be it. Everything would be over. I started bawling, holding the phone away from my face so Cora couldn't see the shameful display. I slid to the ground and buried my face in my knees.

"Natalie, darling? Natalie, where are you?" Cora could probably deduce, though. In fact, when Natalie's phone hung up the call without her having replied, it took Cora less than an hour to find her in the alley by the work building, cuddled up to her knees.

I sat there and cried for so long, until my tears ran out. Then I just thought about everything, about my life so far. About Adam, and Sam, and Cora. About Mr. Gladstone. What if he came looking for me, and Mabel told him I was in the bathroom again. I had to go back. I had to. But my feet wouldn't move. My body felt like lead. Then, Cora was at my side. She helped me stand up and played with my hair, ushering me toward her car.

In the back of the car, Cora held her little project in her arms and told her sweet nothings about how okay things would be. She held her, first softly, and then as Natalie leaned in closer, she pulled her against her bosom and embraced her tightly.

Cora always made things feel better. Her hugs, her voice, her touch. She whispered quietly and played with my hair. I should have felt better, but I didn't. The thoughts in my head were swirling around and I couldn't breathe. My chest felt like it was on fire and my eyes were perpetually wet, though no tears would drip down my cheeks. I didn't know what to do...

"Let's have you take the rest of the day off, okay? You can come home, get changed into something sweet and cute and soft, and have Sam pamper you all night, okay? Tomorrow will be a brand new day." And detaching her from her workplace responsibilities was an excellent move.

I shook my head in a panic and tried to push her away, but Cora held me tight. "I can't... I can't, I can't leave her there, that other girl... she's gonna take my job and everyone hates me and they'll like her instead, and... and..." I was gasping for breath. Was I dying?

"The temp?" Cora tilted her head, making sure that it was clear to Natalie that she didn't remember the girls name, showing her how unimportant she really was by comparison. "Don't you worry about her; she's nobody and you're my Little Nattie, okay? She's just some floozy, and you're here and in my arms and you're going to let me take care of you."

I tried to argue, I tried to fight her, but Cora wouldn't have any of it. She held me by the shoulders and put her finger to my lips to shush me. "Do you remember our talk?" she asked me. "I make the decisions." I looked dizzily up at her and remembered the last mistake I made. Pissing myself in that store. And today, I swore at a co-worker. I shouldn't have done that. Cora would have never let me do that. So with nervous reluctance, I nodded my head. "Okay..."

"Good girl." Cora leaned forward, tapped the glass on the dividing window to let the driver know it was time to go, and then did something quite bold - she pulled Natalie up onto her lap and held her there, like a mother holding her child. "I'm not letting you go, darling, so you'd better just get used to that."

We went back to the house. Cora didn't call her husband, at least not yet. Or maybe she called him on her way to get me? I didn't know. I felt dizzy and delirious. Walking from the car to the front steps felt like trudging through quicksand. And after the horrible anxiety attack subsided, my mind felt... empty and exhausted. I was ready to sleep for the next decade.

"Let's get you dressed,” Cora told her charge, and Natalie obeyed. She didn't protest to Cora undressing her. She didn't protest to her picking out clothes for her. And when Cora asked her a very simple question, one that might have caused a big ruckus at any other time, Natalie just looked her and blinked a few times, as if trying to process why she was being given input. "So you don't have an accident like at the store? You've had such a rough day again, and the Matron did send us home with some spares." What was it Cora was talking about? The traceback on her words was easy to follow. Accidents. Upset. Picking out what Natalie wore. Oh. Cora was asking if she wanted to wear a diaper tonight.

"I... I don't need--" "To make your own decisions anymore," Cora finished for me. I looked at her with bleary exhaustion and felt a bit of heat on my cheeks. I wanted to argue. Diapers = no. But even those two simple words felt like too much. I didn't want to argue. I didn't want to decide...

"So I'm going to make them for you; any decision I make for you can never get you in trouble." Cora let that one sink in, let it connect inside Natalie's head. Her own choices got her in trouble. Doing what Cora said wouldn't. Couldn't. Ever. If she only ever did what she was told, she could never ever lose what she had. Wasn't that a gift worth accepting?

Cora helped me onto my bed, but I was lost in thought. I couldn't get in trouble if Cora told me to do something? Of course not. I'd just say it was her idea. Cora would be in trouble, not me. I wouldn't get fired for not going back to work, because it was Cora's decision to bring me home. If I made the decision, I would have gone back. Right? Or was I so exhausted that nothing was making sense anymore?

The Strawberry Shortcake trainers slid down her thighs in Cora's hands, and Natalie just... laid there. She watched. She let it happen. And when Cora told her they were damp and she must have had a tiny accident when she was upset, For wondered… sould she challenge it? Would she argue? Cora just wasn't going to give her the chance to state her case. "You're going to wear diapers when you're upset from now on, Nattie, and that's my decision." The diaper was in her hands... pretty, colorful, glossy plastic, thicker than seemed possible.

"I... um..." Argue. Fight that line of questioning. I didn't need diapers, obviously. I was twenty-three, not two or three. But had I really wet myself again? I didn't remember that... and then the thoughts were too heavy. My eyes felt heavy, too. I forced them open just in time to see my ankles high above my head. Weird...

These were new sensations, new experiences, feelings that linked to memories almost too old to be remembered. The padding was soft and luxurious. The smell of the baby powder was thick in the air, though not as thick as when the diaper was brought up between her legs. Was Cora saying something? Probably. Something about safety, maybe. But Natalie was in a world of sensation in that moment; everything amplified and her thoughts quietened. The soft feeling. The powdery scent. The sound of the crinkling plastic. The tapes pulling and the tightness around her hips.

I felt my head hit the pillow. I looked around the room to find Cora pulling a blanket up over my nightgown, then... kissing me on the forehead. I looked up at her in bewilderment, in confusion, but she smiled down with the sweetest smile. "Get some sleep," she said. I nodded my head and felt my eyes close. Like that, I was out.