Chapter XXI

That Natalie walked voluntarily through the household in a huff, wearing nothing but a nightgown and a diaper, with all the poutiness of a spoiled child and seemingly no shame... that didn't help in dispelling the assessment that Sam was making of her, did it? Cora didn't seem to be in her room, though...

I knocked loud and angry, but no one came to Cora's door. I bit my lip and looked around the hall, but there weren't any maids. No Sam. No anyone. "Cora?" I called. But she didn't answer. I decided to turn the handle, to peek inside. Maybe she was asleep or something? "Cora?" I said again, when I could see the bed along the far wall.

The bed was empty, although there was a soft scent of cinnamon in the air - a smell that usually followed Cora during the day, so if she wasn't here then she couldn't have left too long ago.

I pouted and closed the door behind me. She had to be around here somewhere, right? Work hours were over. Unless she went back to work to make up for the time I dragged her away? I shook my head. If I found a maid, they would know. So I headed down the hall, to the main stairs, and went toward the kitchen. Someone was always in the kitchen!

Her nightgown didn’t do much to hide what she was wearing from behind. As she pattered around the house, the maids saw. Sam had seen. There was no point in trying to hide it. But one of the maids told her that Cora was in the conservatory on the second floor. At least that was helpful information.

On my way back up the stairs, I pulled my nightgown down again. It wasn't that short, was it? But the maids kept looking at me, up and down, like they could tell... I shook my head and hurried to the conservatory. I didn't even know we had a conservatory!

"Hello, darling." Cora was sitting in a large plush chair with a glass of red wine in her hand, while someone - not a maid, but someone - was painting her toenails. "Did you sleep well?"

"...yeah, I guess. Um." I looked at the woman on the floor, on her knees, painting Cora's toenails. I shifted from one foot to the other uncomfortably, and the rustling of the diaper filled the quiet room. I stopped suddenly and blushed. "Can we speak alone for a moment? I really need to talk to you."

"We are alone?" And it took a moment, but Cora realized what Natalie meant and shoed away her beautician. The woman closed the door behind her. "You seem upset, darling."

"I am," I said, with less venom and more... of a pout. It came naturally. "I told Sam to leave me alone for a minute so I could get out of..." I stopped mid-sentence and felt my cheeks grow hot. "Er... you know. But Sam didn't listen. And she saw. And she thinks I want to wear..." This conversation was so difficult, and even worse because I was too embarrassed to say the word diaper.

"You want to do what you're told, don't you darling? You want to do whatever decisions are made for you, because you don't want to be in trouble.” These words were heavy and sticky, like syrup covering Natalie.

Memories of earlier today came trickling back, like water through a sieve. Breaking down in an alley outside my office building. Cora taking care of me. Making my decisions so I didn't have to. But now, in the light of day, that seemed so silly... "I... I just want her to know the truth. She won't believe me..."

"You want her to know the truth, that you don't want to make decisions anymore. That making decisions gets you in trouble, and that doing what you're told keeps you safe. That makes sense." Cora nodded.

"...I guess." I didn't think about it that way. I wasn't wearing a diaper because I needed it or because I wanted it. I was wearing it because Cora thought it was a good idea. Her decision, not mine. And suddenly, all the anxiety and fear of Sam knowing seemed... stupid. This had nothing to do with me! "Well, tell that to Sam! She just doesn't get it!"

"Tell me what you're thinking, darling. The decisions are mine to make, to protect you from them, but knowing how you feel is very important to me, too." And that was a pretty big gesture, from Cora.

I crossed my arms, looking down at my bare feet on the soft carpet of the conservatory. What did I think? "I... I didn't dress this way. You dressed me! So... so it's not my fault. Right?" Cora nodded. "So why is Sam making fun of me? Why is it still my fault? It's not my fault..."

"She doesn't know." Cora replied simply. "She doesn't know how much this means to you, how important it is to you to not make your own decisions anymore."

"I'm so... tired of it." I felt tears in my eyes again. Memories flooded in from that afternoon, crying in the street. Rubbing Mabel's feet, and the way Prin looked at me with disappointment. Pissing myself in the changing room at that store. Missing the decimal point on that form two weeks back. And Adam... loving him. Caring about him. Expecting that maybe, just maybe, we could be happy together. I wiped the tears off my cheeks. "I don't wanna make decisions anymore, Cora... but I have to, don't I? You can't decide everything for me for the rest of my life..."

"And why can't I? That's what a parent does for a child, isn't it? And you have the advantage of getting to know you've tried your best at making your own decisions and it just didn't work out. I could take it all away, Nattie darling." She let those words sink in.

"...I'm not a child, though." "You could be." I looked at Cora with... confusion. I didn't understand. "I'm twenty-three," I explained. By definition, I wasn't a child. "I... I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna make decisions. It didn't work out! I know that! But... but I don't have a choice... I don't get to choose..."

"You want this. You need this, to feel safe. To be able to look Sam in the eye and say "I wear diapers" and not have to explain yourself why - it was never your choice, so you're not responsible."

"I don't wear diapers," I corrected Cora. "It was just once, and... and it wasn't my decision!" "Exactly." "But... but I can't just go through life letting you make all my decisions! And I can't just say you're responsible for everything I do! That's... that's not how it works!" How what works? Society? People? Growing up? But I'd never heard of anything like this before! I couldn't just put Cora in charge of my life.

"Why can't it? My husband makes every decision for a multi million dollar company, do you think I can't handle one wayward girl?" Cora putting it that way... it was almost silly to argue.

"I......." I shook my head. This was insane! This couldn't actually happen! Right? But I would never mess up again. No more mistakes. No more blame. No more responsibility. Those thoughts echoed in my head. I bit hard on my lip and looked away from Cora. Could it really work...?

"You'd be like a daughter to me, Nattie, you'd never make another mistake again. You'd have a future." The daughter word was front loaded; plenty of words followed.

Cora was almost twice my age. Maybe late thirties? The idea of me being her daughter wasn't the stupidest one in the world. But I had a mom! Granted, a mom that didn't talk to me since the stuff with Adam. And my dad died a long time ago, when I was a teenager. Never make another decision. Never get into any trouble. "...what... um... what would it look like? I mean, if I wanted that...? What are the rules...?"

"There's only one: you do what you're told. You follow my decisions, and know that no matter what happens, what you do, what I tell you, you can never get in trouble, because it was my decision."

"What if I don't like something you want me to do? I don't think it's safe to just do anything you say, if it makes me uncomfortable." I crossed my arms and looked nervously at Cora. "I still need to be able to say no to things."

"You can always say no, darling." Cora replied simply. "You have all the power. What keeps you safe is in choosing to surrender your power to me. You can say no, but doing so puts you at risk of consequences, of repercussions - I can't keep you safe from your own choices. Only from the outcomes of mine. Does that make sense?"

"...so if I say no, that's okay? But I have to deal with stuff myself for that, like... decision or whatever?" Cora nodded. "But if I listen to you, I can't get in trouble at all?" She nodded again. "...what if listening to you is a mistake? What if listening to you gets me in trouble?" "It never will," she said. "I will take extra special care to ensure it never does." I looked at Cora suspiciously and said, “This seems... too good to be true."

"That's because not many people get offered an opportunity like this." Cora could have mentioned the others, the Littles at the lunch meeting, but this didn't seem the exact right time. "This is the one decision I can't make for you - you have to choose this one on your own, darling girl."

I wanted it. I wanted this life. This idea. Even if it failed, even one day without this fear and anxiety... it would be worth it, right? But one thing didn't add up. "What do you get out of all this? You're assuming all my responsibility... that's a lot of stress. Why?"

"It makes me happy." Cora admitted, without a shadow of doubt, without hesitation. Cora owned a lot of nice things, she lived a wonderful lifestyle, she had everything she could want from a physical standpoint, but this... this stood above all of that.

Happy... I couldn't even imagine what happiness was anymore. I was miserable. Every trip to the bathroom was a search for spiders. Every day at work was the anticipation of a spanking. Every minute with Sam was shame of my past mistakes. I... I wanted to be happy. More than anything. "Okay," I said quietly. "Okay... we can try it..."

"You're such a good girl, Nattie.” Cora did her best to contain her glee, while making certain that at least a modicum of it was showing. "Tell Sam I'd like to see her, please."

"Okay," I said again, quieter, and left her conservatory. The walk back upstairs felt like a million steps. This was new. This was scary! But it was a chance at happiness. Wasn't that something? I found Sam in my room, making my bed. She seemed... maybe a little apologetic, based on that expression. She lashed out. We both did. "Cora wants to see you," I said nervously. "She wants to explain..."

"Alright." Sam said, not pushing the issue. So her best friend was wearing diapers. Sam had worked in a drugstore before: she knew what Depends looked like, and what Natalie was wearing wasn't something off the shelf - it was built for purpose. It was almost.... fashionable. And to Sam that meant this was a lot more than medical. What was she supposed to say about that, though?

I changed out of the diaper. I had been walking around the entire house in it, and the embarrassment was killing me. I threw the ball of padding in the trash and checked the time. Almost six. Dinner would be soon. Sam always brought it up to my room, and we would eat together. How was I supposed to know that, from now on, things would be different?