Chapter XXXVII

"Coffee goes right through you," I said with a bit of annoyance, climbing into the back of the black car. Cora waited with a bright smile on her face and I wiggled uncomfortably on the leather seat. "Could I use a bathroom at the restaurant? Please?"

"I think you know the answer to that one, darling, but I'll help you with it anyway: you're wearing your bathroom now and it's for the best. How was work, did you get as much done as you wanted to?" Cora was dressed in orange today, and she popped and shone like a flower.

I let out a sigh and decided it was best not to argue. I had opted into trusting Cora, and that was that. And anyway, the whole 'wetting a diaper' thing wasn't as cataclysmic as I thought it would be. This morning, when it happened, it was a casual inconvenience at best. "I didn't get a lot done, but Prin is helping. Everybody loves my new hair." Cora had mentioned getting it cut sometime this week, but I didn't know if that was in the cards for today. Honestly, it wasn't my decision and I was okay with that.

"I'm so glad to hear that. We're going to have lunch somewhere quick and easy - I was going to try to meet with my friends at the country club, catch up with Frannie and Etta and Immy, but it was just too short notice, I'm afraid. Fliss recommended this place, though, and it's close to where we're going for your surprise afterward." There was so much to Cora's life, so many names, so many friends, but Frannie, Etta, and Immy? Those were familiar names.

I recognized the names, but I couldn't quite place them. Like I'd only heard them once or twice. Fliss, I remembered. The short woman who seemed to know Cora better than anyone. For some reason, I felt a pang of jealousy in my chest. "Okay," I said in resignation. The car drove uptown and dropped us off on the side of the street. I spun the hem of my dress and assessed the length. The likelihood of seeing my diaper was exactly zero, which was just how I liked it. But I still had to pee...

Cora had noted the relative gracefulness to her projects slight waddle, which was a giveaway that she was dry, and commented casually. "If you're wet by the time we finished lunch, I'll change you before our trip is over, otherwise I think you'll be fine to wait until we get home." And then. "Oh, did you get your gift at work?"

"Gift...?" Oh! The coffee cup! "Yeah, I got it. And the lunchbox too. Though I don't think the kitchen staff knew you were taking me out for lunch today..." Maybe I should have mentioned it.

“I’ll have Ando bring it home from work,” Cora assured me. But something she mentioned was a little more pressing…

"I really don't think I can... uh. Do... that? Like... in public." But if I waited long enough, would I even have a choice? And anyway, where would she change me? It's not like they made adult sized changing rooms.

"You'll get used to it, darling; it'll come naturally in time and maybe even get to a point where you just don't even care ~ can you imagine being able to be free of a stressor that no other adult has ever been free of?" That was some spin right there. Cora led them into a hip looking restaurant called Pennies (notably, not Penny's) which smelled of garlic and middle eastern spices.

I looked at Cora with a bit of surprise. Not care? "I don't want to not care,” I said to her, though she walked into the restaurant and I felt a little more nervous talking about it. I looked at the restroom sign in the corner with a longing stare.

"It's not like you're ever going to change for good, Natalie, that's not how it works." Although, perhaps, that might have been the first outright lie she'd told Natalie. “You're going to trust me because?" Because Mommy know's best, obviously. She pulled out a wicker chair for Natalie and helped her to sit, before sitting down for herself.

I let out a sigh of annoyance at the mantra. I was building a level of resentment for it, because I didn't want to follow it blindly. But on the other hand, I'd already begun to do so. And my life was better for it. I shifted awkwardly in my seat and looked again at the bathroom. "I... um. I'm gonna go use the restroom," I said with enough of a blush that Cora would know I very clearly didn't mean "use the toilet". I just needed some privacy...

"Of course, hurry back, though - Fliss said this place serves its food up very quickly." And the idea of Natalie ordering for herself was a foolish one, anyway. Cora watched her waddle to the bathroom and couldn't help but allow herself the smile; the others had been so close to being worth settling for, but Nattie? She was perfect.

I sat on the toilet and closed my eyes. Here, in this cubicle, where I had done it so many times before, it was easy. A blissful relief washed over me, just as the heat washed over my skin. The first time, it had been startling. This time, it was almost soothing. I stood upright and took a few steps. Now that the diaper was wet, it was a lot weirder to walk. My thighs were forced apart more than before and I squished with each step. On the bright side - it seemed to dull the crinkling sound.

Cora watched as Natalie came out of the bathroom, like any other person. She came back to the table, she pulled out her chair, and she sat down. If not for the burning red of her cheeks and the slight wince when she sat, nobody would even have known that she'd just been an adult woman who'd gone into a room with a toilet and instead chosen to piss herself. Cora was thrilled. And one of the wait staff was already bringing over a plate of falafel, too!

"You mentioned changing?" I said nervously between bites of my food. I didn't order, but I seemed to enjoy whatever this food was all the same. Still, in public, I wouldn't say the word diaper. I would barely mention the word when Cora and I were alone! "I'd really like to be out of this..."

"I'll take care of you after lunch, darling." It was good for Natalie to get used to this, anyway, right? "You must try the cucumber dip, and try the baba ghanouj with the pita. It's divine." The most normal lunch exchange in the world.

Lunch was really good, and I was stuffed full. Even without the sagging diaper between my legs, I would have had trouble walking out of that restaurant. I followed behind Cora with my hand in hers, not thinking twice about it. "Thank you for lunch," I told her, through labored breaths. Her legs were longer than mine and I struggled to keep up in my waddling walk.

"Of course, darling, that's what Mommies are for." And speaking of Mommies, it took very little time at all to reach the destination; a perhaps familiar - if discrete - shopfront.

I recognized the place before we went inside. That baby store, where I pissed myself all over the floor of the changing room. I tried to dig my heels into the cement outside, but Cora pulled me inside with next to no effort. "Wait, wait!" Then I saw her, behind the counter. The Matron; the same woman from before. The one who changed me into a diaper for the first time. I felt my cheeks burn like fire and hid behind Cora. "W-why are we here...?"

"Well, firstly, your diaper needs changing darling, and secondly... this is your surprise. We're going to pick you out some cute new diapers, maybe a few outfits, a cup that you'll be allowed to use even in the theater room, and well.. anything you like, really.” Cora narrowed her eyes, and nodded to the expectant Matron. “Don’t be rude; go say hi.”

"But... but..." Cora gave me a look that I was quick to read. Mommy knows best. I bit hard on my bottom lip and looked nervously across the room. The woman smiled and me and came out from behind the counter. Without waiting for me to react, Cora ushered me forward until I was standing in front of the Matron. "...h-hi," I muttered, looking at my feet. "S-sorry about... last time I was here... I... um..." I rubbed my arm nervously. I felt so humiliated!

"Oh think nothing of it, peach," The Matron began with a big smile, warm as a summer’s day, and she took the initiative and wrapped the girl up in a hug. "Girls your age struggle with things like that, and I'm quite used to it, I promise. Now, what brings you in today?" She knelt down now, putting hands on her knees as though she had to do it to look Natalie in the eye. "Are you looking for a pretty dress, hunny? Shortcake, if I recall?"

I blushed a little deeper and took half a step backward, bumping into Cora. "I... uh. I'm not really looking for anything, I was just--"

"We need to borrow your changing room, if that's okay," Cora interrupted. My cheeks went crimson and I looked straight at the floor. I was going to die from embarrassment...

"Of course," the Matron smiled, leading the way to the familiar back room where Natalie had once been put in a diaper before. And the room was stocked, too, dominated by the adult sized changing table. "Would you like me to change her, Cora?"

"Oh no no, I need the practice; this one's a bit of a baby bladder, you know?" The Matron laughed and nodded.

"I'll be out here, then, you take your time."

"Don't embarrass me like that," I whispered sharply. "I'm only wearing these stupid things because you told me to!"

"You're wearing them because the last time you were in this room, you made a puddle on the floor."

Immediately, Cora's words shut me down. I looked away from her and crossed my arms in a pout.

"Nattie, darling. She's a matron of an adult baby store. She isn't judging you."

"But I'm not an adult baby!" Until last week, I didn't even know what an adult baby was!

"No, right now you're acting like an actual baby, and being quite ungrateful." Cora lifted Natalie up under the arms and sat her down on the padded changing table. "I'm doing everything for you, darling, down to making your choices. The least you can do is be a little bit grateful and maybe even smile a bit when I'm taking you for a surprise shopping spree, okay?"

...damnit. I hated when she was right... "Sorry," I muttered. "I'm just embarrassed. I don't want other people knowing. And Prin at work knows. And you and Mr. Gladstone know. And Sam knows. And it's just..." I sighed and laid back on the changing table, like it was almost even normal to have my diaper changed at twenty-three years old. "Why can't it be a secret...?"

"Do you want it to be a secret that you've put your trust in me? Or are you proud of what a brave decision you made?" Cora had this discussion while she laid Natalie down on the table and lifted her long-ish skirt up over her waist to access her diaper.

Prin said something earlier too: that being myself so openly was badass. I sure didn't feel like a badass. But maybe I was thinking about it the wrong way... "I'm not really sure about the stuff in this store. It's not really my style, you know? Can't we have a shopping spree at a normal place?" All the while, Cora was untaping my wet diaper and wiping me down with warm wipes. I shivered at her touch.

"Do you really think any normal store is going to have things in the style you've come to cultivate? Here, they have shortalls, onesies, jumper dresses, rompers, the prettiest shoes you might ever see, and although it's my decision to have you in diapers full time, I am going to let you choose your fashion with your padding. I think it's going to help your acceptance, and your confidence." And then, sealing the deal. "It's what I've decided."

Padding. A much nicer word for diapers. My soul felt relief at learning a new term, one that I wouldn't be humiliated to say in public. "Well... can I decide to wear a style that maybe isn't onesies and stuff? Like, grown up clothes?" At work, I'd been wearing childish outfits for over a month. But that was like... a uniform. Right? Then again, I never really went out anywhere unless I was with Cora. Now that I really thought about it, had I worn grown up clothes this week? Or last? Uh oh...

"Well, you're going to be in padding for the foreseeable future - most clothes sold in other stores are going to make that really obvious. Whereas the fashions they have here expect little cutie pies to be attired as such, so they're both cuter and more discrete." This was a somewhat true statement, but absolutely not a guarantee. "I want you to follow this path, darling, I want you to dress as cute as can be so that even when your pretty little head gives you messed up nonsense feelings, a quick look in the mirror brings you back to the very simple truth: I make your decisions."

Her logic made sense. It didn't always, but this time it did. In some ironic way, dressing more infantile meant hiding the fact I was wearing diapers. In retrospect, I knew I could never wear my black work pants - they were too tight. I couldn't wear my pink or yellow blouses - they would show off the waistband of my diaper. But there was something more to it. Something Cora wasn't telling me. So when she had finished taping a diaper on me - the same pink kind as every other time - I sat upright and looked Cora in the eyes. "Why do you really want me to dress like this? Why do you even know where this store is? You're hiding something. And if you want me to be honest with you, then... then you should be honest with me."

Cora was quiet for a moment, but Cora rarely lied; this wasn't a silence that meant 'let me think of a story', this was her being careful with the words she chose. A few agonizing seconds later, she replied with a simple answer, and then a more complex one. "I'm helping you with this, because I think you need it."

But that first half was never going to satisfy her, was it? "But also because I have a lot of love to give, and Ando and I can't have children. We both climbed out of awful situations in our lives, darling, and we want to be able to pass on that experience, that... desire to help someone to grow.”

“We had another girl, one like you... a few years ago, her name was Sophie.” This part was true, although Sophie wasn't the only girl. "She came from a broken situation, a broken life, and certain things helped her. Not having to make decisions. Not having to spend all of her time as an adult. And our Sophie, she got what she needed from us and she moved on." Also not the whole truth, but some truth.

"I learned a lot from her. I learned that this kind of thing could help girls like her, like you. And... I learned that I liked it. Being someones Mommy. Making their choices. Protecting them, dressing them up adorably... and being needed. You needed someone, Natalie, and I needed to be needed."

I looked at Cora for a hard minute, trying to figure out if I believed what she was saying. But in the end, one truth was obvious. I trusted her. I let out a sigh and looked down at my dress. "Did you plan this...?"

Cora looked away. "I wanted to help. You were so anxious. So stressed. Everyone turned against you, and you had nowhere to go. I… I used your circumstances to my advantage. But I swear. I promise. I never did anything that wasn’t best for you…” Cora took a step back and crossed her arms, looking down in shame. It was a rare sight: Cora ashamed of something. "You can get any kind of clothes you want," she said. "I'm sorry for pushing you. We can go to a different store. I just want you to be happy."

I swung my feet off the side of the changing table and kicked them lightly, thinking to myself. It was all a game? Orchestrated by Cora… not a goddess, but a puppet master. Would I even wet the bed if it wasn’t for her? Would I be this scared? But I wouldn’t have a job - that much I knew. I wouldn’t be happy. And I was happy. She made me happy. Whether it was a trick or a lie, the feelings I felt were real. I couldn't deny that. "This other girl... why did it stop?"

"She grew up," Cora confessed. "She realized she didn't need me. So she left..." Cora looked forlornly at the changing room curtain, and spoke quietly. "What about you, Nattie? Do you need me?"

Her eyes were wet. Almost crying, maybe. She couldn't even look at me. I'd never seen Cora so... broken up. But whether her story was true or not, she used me. Right? She just wanted someone to dress up, to treat like a doll, just like Sam said! But wasn’t I using her too? Her money? Her love? To fill some empty place inside me?

Do I need her? I should say no. I should leave, just like that Sophie girl did. But… I'd gotten good at telling the truth recently.

"I think I do...”

Cora smiled brightly and wiped her eyes with her fingers, smearing her makeup just a little. "Well. That's all I care about. I'm sorry for acting selfishly today."

I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. "I'm just being a jerk. You're doing so much for me. Taking care of me. Letting me live with you. Buying me so much stuff. And you know? I like dressing like this. Everyone is nicer to me. People treat me right. Not like some vapid slut, but like... like a real person." In a way, this was a mutual relationship, as any mother/daughter relationship was. We each provided something to each other. And maybe I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain. Part of what she needed was a cute kid. I could be a cute kid.

"Mommy?" I asked with a shy smile. "Will you help me pick out some clothes?"