Chapter XXXII

I walked up two flights of stairs and found Sam in her bedroom. It was just as gorgeous as mine, if not a little smaller and less decorated. We rarely spent time in here. I knocked on her door and forced a smile. "Hey..."

"Hi." Sam didn't look over, she was standing by her vanity, sorting out different nail-polishes that she was never allowed to wear with her uniform. She would have told her best friend not to come in, if that was even allowed. This house was so fucked up.

I stepped inside slowly, a slight crinkle following me into the room. Suddenly, a blush took over my cheeks and I bit my lip. I forgot about the diaper... "Um... are you mad at me? I didn't mean to upset you..."

"I'm not mad at you." But that didn't mean she wasn't upset, either, it was just... not easy, to find the words she wanted to use. "I don't even know you anymore, Natalie. It's like we're not friends anymore."

"Of course we are! It's just because we're always working at weird times, and I've been stressed, and..." I took a deep breath and shook my head. I didn't want to invalidate her feelings, either. "I know we haven't spent a lot of time together. I'll try harder."

"It's not even that, Natalie! It's... it's this," She waved her hand up and down, turning around. “When did you start dressing like this? And wearing diapers? And pink hair? It's like you've fallen in with a new crowd and you forgot who you are."

My blush burned brighter at the mention of the diapers. I bit my lip and looked down at my feet. "I... I'm just... trying something new. I know it's weird. Ugh, it's super weird! But..." I didn't even know how to explain it...

"But what? You're not a little kid, you're not a doll, you're not a dress up model. Jesus, Natalie, you haven't worn a skirt in years and now look at you? That nightgown doesn't even cover the fact you're wearing a diaper. This is fucked up; it has to stop."

I shied a little bit against the wall, biting harder on my bottom lip. "I know you're upset... but I don't know what any of this has to do with us. So what if I'm wearing different clothes? We're still best friends... aren't we? Why is this so important to you?"

"Because this isn't you, this isn't the you I know," And Sam's words... they sounded a lot like what Cora said: Sam didn't handle change well.

I puffed out my cheeks and balled my hands at my sides. "I wasn't happy! Ever since Adam and everything, I haven't been happy at all! I feel alone and scared all the time, even when I'm around you, and holding down a job - even this job - is so stressful! And... and now, I... I feel sort of safe. I don't expect you to understand - it's weird and stupid that I let someone else make all my decisions. But Cora has taken care of me so much! She makes me feel better! She protects me, and holds me, and... and why is it so wrong that I do what she says, huh?" I didn't realize it until I'd finished yelling, but tears were dripping down my cheeks.

Sam didn't know how to respond to that. Honestly, there were a lot of words, a lot of feelings, a lot of passion in what her best friend had said. And while her mouth didn't know what to say, her body knew what to do; she crossed the room and wrapped Natalie up in as tight a hug as she could manage. Which made her crinkle. Which was weird.

I pushed my face into Sam's neck and cried. "I'm so scared all the time... I'm scared of being alone, of being betrayed... I'm scared of hurting someone, hurting myself, hurting you. If I lose this job, everything falls apart again, Sam... I haven't been able to relax for months. And then Cora... she..."

"Do you love her?" It wasn't an unreasonable question to be asking, either, because there was definitely some hard crush behavior being demonstrated here. She was trying to get her head around what all of this actually meant. Like, did Mr. Gladstone know what was going on?

I blinked. Love her? "I... I'm not sure." I broke the hug and played with my fingers, looking away from Sam. "I... I mean, not romantically. I don't want to kiss her or anything. But I... I love how I feel around her. I love knowing she's always there. And she's so strong, so powerful. It's not like you and me, where we support each other. It feels like she can... alter the universe. Like she's a goddess." Okay yeah, now I heard it. I definitely sounded like I had a crush.

"You sound like you're talking about your Mom in front of a 1st grade class," Sam quipped, teasing gently. "I guess, I mean, I didn't know you were into women, especially older ones, but I mean given your experiences with men that makes sense I guess. Does Mr. Gladstone know? I don't want your feelings getting you in trouble again." Actually, the way people tended to change for those they were smitten with… Sam could see that in her best friend.

"It's not like that," I said sourly. "I don't want them to get divorced and to run away with Cora or something. I don't want to have sex or make out or.. whatever. And I'm not a lesbian. Or bi. I just..." I sighed. "It's like, the safety and warm butterflies you get with a boyfriend, but without any of the sexy feelings. I wish I knew how to explain it..."

"So... she knows, right? She... for some reason, wants you to dress a certain way," and act, but Sam didn't say that, "and in exchange, she makes you feel safe and protected? It really sounds like what you've got there is a Mom, Natalie. Like she's the Queen and you're the Princess."

I puffed out my cheeks in irritation. But could I really argue with her? Everything she said made perfect sense... "I'm twenty-three years old; I don't need a parent. Right?" I sighed and leaned against the wall. "Then why do I like what we have...?"

"I don't know, but you're a lot more stable recently. So whatever Kool-aid she has you drinking is working, Nat, I just... I don't know where that leaves us? I don't feel equal here, I don't feel like we're on the same footing. To use the princess analogy, I'm basically your chambermaid and that's not something I know what to do with."

I bit my lip and looked at Sam. I knew what she meant. Most of our fights recently were battles for power. She couldn't be my equal when she was my maid... "You could ask Cora to make your decisions for you too?" I said with a half-hearted laugh.

"Yeah? You think that'll go well?”

I sighed and shrugged my shoulders. This was a serious problem that we had been ignoring for a long time. "You could get another job," I said quietly. I couldn't get one, but she could. "Though I'd miss you... I like living with you a lot."

"I can't afford to leave, Nat. And I like it here... mostly. I'm saving up money, I don't worry about bills or drama, and I work from home and get paid pretty well for it. And I mean, it's not like these aren't skills I might use one day; the kitchen staff are teaching me to bake, you know?" Which meant the underlying issue was... "It's a problem of how we interact. Our dynamic."

"I'm really sorry things are different," I muttered under my breath. This felt like my fault. But Cora made the decision. It couldn't be my fault, right? I felt a pang of anxiety in my chest. "I could ask Cora? I bet she would have an answer!" She always did!

"Sure. Maybe she'll know what to do, Natalie. I don't want to lose you. I don't want things to drift between us. But something's gotta change and I don't know what." Finally, she added. "I should go do your laundry. I'll be around, alright?"