Chapter Twenty:

My hotel room had one more piece of furniture - a playpen made of large plastic walls. The floor was covered in colorful blankets and dollar store toys. The stupid thing was so big that the table - the one where Jackie and I would eat dinner - was taken out of the room entirely! But the first thing I thought about when I saw it was... Jessie. Her words echoed in my head: "It must be awful, not having a nursery." Maybe the playpen wasn't so bad...

"Well, that was fucking awful." I didn't like to be such a potty-mouth, even though I so often dripped with snark, but what had happened today was... I couldn't believe I'd ended up in front of those cameras.

"I should have been more careful, Leona, I shouldn't have been caught on film. What if someone see's that? Like, can you even imagine?" As though being associated with littles like this was the worst thing in the world.

I looked up at Jackie with a frown and crossed my arms. Is this what she was upset about earlier, after the diaper change? "So what? So what if somebody sees? You're doing your job, aren't you? I mean, I'm on camera all the time. It's work. Jesus."

"Leona. I'm not into this shit, you know that—" I was so ready to launch into a long tirade about the topic that I almost missed the hurt on her face. Not to say that I was stopped from ranting, mind you, but I did notice it. "This is your thing. I can't be seen on camera, I can't be seen doing... this."

"Why the hell not? Are you better than me or something?!" I balled my hands at my sides, which would have been a lot more threatening if I wasn't in a snap-up onesie and a very thick, wet diaper. In my frustration, my body couldn't decide if I wanted to cry or attack her.

"What? Leona, listen." Was she angry? I thought she was upset, or hurt, but I couldn't tell left from right with her right now, because this was my moment to be upset and I felt like she just didn't give a shit. "It's not about being better or worse. You're fucking adorable and made for this, and I'm just a photographer, alright? I take the pictures, I don't star in them. You get it?"

"No, I don't get it. I don't understand any of it! So what if somebody sees, it doesn't even matter! I've been doing this for like two years you know, and now I'm doing some video diary where I'm humiliating myself every single day! But you don't hear me whining, do you?" Okay, so I was angry. I was angry because...

"You probably can't wait to get a new job, huh?" I looked away from Jackie and down at my feet. I was wearing frilly topped socks. "Whatever... we don't need you anyway..."

"What?" Quiet, and then much louder, much much louder. "A new job? Are you fucking kidding me? I lay awake at night hoping I don't lose this damn job, Leona, because I have bills to pay, because freelance work is the worst, and because I'm worried I won't get to see you anymore if I do lose this job over being seen on camera." Suddenly, and all at once, saying it out loud made it all make sense. I wasn't afraid of being seen on camera; I was worried about being replaced because I was.

So she didn't want to get a new job...? She didn't want to leave?

"I'm not going to let Abe fire you," I muttered, crossing my arms and still looking down at my feet. "You've been like... perfect. You even volunteered to babysit me so Melissa didn't have to. And since I'm pretty much the whole website, Abe has to listen to me."

I had volunteered to babysit her. I had gone out of my way to be nice to her. I'd found ways to honor who she was, and to justify why it was okay for me to partake. And I'd even... "I went to another woman’s house, who did this full time, who's filmed 24/7. I changed your diaper. On camera. We’re basically…" I muttered under my breath and blushed. "You've just... you've been into this a while, you know? It's new to me. And I don't know why... but I like it. But I don’t know if I like it because I like you, or I like you because I like it…" I talked like I was referring to a disease or something. Why did I do that?

I wasn't understanding her. I've been into what? The being on camera thing? That was true. But she liked me because I was on camera, or she liked being on camera now? She wasn't making any sense.

"...what are you talking about? What does any of this have to do with me?"

"The little girl sh... the little girl stuff." Shit seemed to be an oddly appropriate word, but in poor taste given her recent proclivities.

"The little stuff, the you, the diapers, the being a baby and the being treated and dressed the way you are and do." And? "The me and you in the pizzeria, the diapers." Did I say that already? "The everything."

"...oh."

Oh... uh...

"So you're... like... the people that watch my stuff online?" Well, I didn't expect that. I mean, I really didn't! And my mouth reacted faster than my brain, which was a huge mistake.

"Is that why you got this job? So you could take your own pictures of me?" I felt my defenses going up. Was Jackie just some pervert?

"Leona what the fuck!" I couldn't believe this! I confided in her, and she was making it seem like... like...

"No you little bimbaby, I took this job because it paid well, and when I found out what I'd be taking pictures of, I was going to quit. But I saw you, and..." And what? "And you make me feel all this awkward shit, Leona, you make me feel... weird, alright? And I don't know what it means, but I can tell you that a few weeks ago I sure as fuck wasn't thinking 'oh I should take pictures of adult women who shit their pants for money'." Now it was my turn to put my foot in my mouth. I sighed. She paused.

"...it's really cute though, seeing you all helpless like that... ugh... WHY. Why is this cute?!"

"...I'm cute?"

Yeah, this was weird. I mean... I never really knew anyone in the real world who was into this stuff. All I knew were the guys who subscribed to my website. Then I met Jessie. And now Jackie likes it?

But more importantly, she seemed to like... me. I blushed. "W-well... I mean, it's just a job for me. You don't really know me outside of all this, but, I'm like... just a normal girl. So you've got no reason to crush on me."

"Bullshit." She looked surprised at my candor, and I crossed my arms.

"You heard me. I'm calling absolute bullshit on that, because I saw you with that Sprinkles chick. I saw you being competitive, I saw you literally do something so childish, so babyish, that you'd never even done it before this week, just to show how much of a little girl you were."

"You're what she is, you're a.... a Little, she said? That's what you are. You might think this is just a job, but you're so in denial!"

My cheeks went crimson at the memory of messing myself all for competitive victory. But that didn't mean anything! I balled my hands at my sides and puffed out my cheeks in frustration.

"I am not! I'm just a good actress! People do this stuff all the time, that doesn't mean I like it!"

I pushed her to the wall and my hand to her crotch, to her diaper which was so obviously wet, and I pushed my lips to hers as well. I just wanted her to shut up, that's what I told myself. It wasn't romantic, it wasn't out of crush or giddy stupid feelings. I didn't even like girls! But I pressed to her lips and to her diaper, and her to the wall, and I didn't stop. I would if she wanted me to.

She kissed me... she kissed me and I kissed her and... I hadn't kissed anyone in a long time. Not since high school. I hadn't kissed a girl in even longer - since my Freshman year. And no one had ever pushed a wet diaper against my crotch. I shuddered in her arms, out of breath as she pulled away. My cheeks were on fire... I couldn't even think...

"You taste like breast milk." Her eyes went wide enough to see my reflection in, and I stole one more kiss to shut her up - just a peck this time.

"I'm here admitting to you that I like this junk, you loser, and you literally stopped at nothing to prove how little you were. You're a pint sized seductress, that's what you are, so you don't get to play innocent."

I opened my mouth to say something, to... to argue, maybe? But words didn't come out. I was so embarrassed! And I was so... intrigued. And confused. I didn't actually like all this baby crap. I just... fell into it. I let myself enjoy it, because that made it easier. It was part of the job... right?

"Up on the changing table, I'm going to order in and then change your diaper, because you're a baby and I'm your..." Babysitter? Auntie? Mommy? Oh jeez.

"Well, I'm taking care of you, so up you get. Then when food gets here, we can put some TV on and sit you in your new playpen." Maybe try on one of the new frilly sets of pajamas hanging on the rack, too, for photography's sake.

Holy heck. I'd actually kissed her. And all I could think about was when I would again. Not if. But when.

I remembered the first night I spent with Jackie, when we shared a bed. Now, things were so different. I felt like I was just a little girl and she was babysitting me. It was aggravating! But it was safe, too. I walked past Jackie and climbed up on the changing table with a pout on my lips.

"I'm not a baby," I told her, and laid down for my diaper change.