Chapter Seventeen

The rest of our evening was relatively uneventful. My accident seemed to have sufficiently killed the mood we had going on beforehand, and we spent the rest of the evening just cuddling on the couch while we drank a few more rum and cokes and watched a horror movie. The occasional rustle of my pull-up went uncommented on by Vivian but was constantly exhilarating to me. It was just so…deliciously naughty to be brazenly wearing the garments that had brought me so much pleasure but also so much shame out in the open with Vivian. Naughty, yes, but also just…comforting.

That night, I laid in bed with Vivian spooning me, her hand on my hip and her slow, gentle breaths in my ear. I laid there feeling more content than I could ever remember feeling and slowly wet my pull-up, making sure I’d be soggy when we woke up in the morning. I sighed and snuggled deeper into Vivian’s embrace.

Do you think Vivian will make you wear diapers to bed at her house from now on since you told her the pull-ups sometimes leak?

The thought came unbidden from the blue. It was, however, a good question; would she?

If your pull-up leaks tonight, she definitely will.

Maybe, but my bladder was empty.

They only hold one wetting, if you wake up in the middle of the night needing to pee…

I rarely do and, besides, if I did I would…well…Vivian is right next to me, I’d pee all over her too.

Just more reason for her to put you in diapers at night now that you’re sharing a bed with her.

I wondered briefly if tonight did in fact mean I would no longer be sleeping in the guest bed at Vivian’s house, but the thought was too secondary to everything else swirling through my head for me to focus on for long.

The truth was, wetting myself in front of Vivian—

For the second time!

—had been mortifying but, yes, admittedly also incredibly hot. I had thought about that first incident with a vibrator pressed against my pull-up numerous times since that fateful day, and I knew tonight’s incident would just be fuel for that fire. In fact, I knew exactly what I would have been doing right that moment if Vivian hadn’t been asleep beside me. But sitting around with Vivian while I was casually wearing a pull-up? Knowing that Vivian knew I was wearing a pull-up and having that just be a casual, unremarked upon fact? The normalization of needing—or being perceived as needing—pull-ups because I had accidents? All of that was embarrassing in its own way, of course, but it was also…

It makes you feel warm and comforted.

Yes, exactly. But more than that, it was…

Intoxicating.

Yes, intoxicating, and I wanted more. Ever since this had all started, I had been fantasizing about a life with Vivian in which diapers and pull-ups and slightly more than occasional accidents all had a prominent role. Of course, it had always felt like a pipe dream, but that night was the first time I began to truly wonder if it was something I could have after all. The first time I began to truly think it was possible. It would be a commitment, no doubt, it would mean maintaining the charade as a lifestyle—it would mean lying to Vivian for as long as we were together.

But is it really such an awful lie?

It sure didn’t feel like it; it felt like a pretty harmless lie, all told, but a lie nonetheless.

A lie Vivian seems willing to believe and accept; a lie that doesn’t hurt her in any way but that brings you a lot of happiness.

But…could I really go through with it?

You can; you’re just scared to.

And that was the real truth. Vivian seemed ready and willing to accept the reality of being involved with someone who had to wear pull-ups and maybe even diapers, but was I ready and willing to live that life as more than just a fantasy?

I stayed awake long after Vivian had fallen asleep with these questions burning bright in my mind. Eventually, though, the drinks and the comfort of my bed combined with Vivian’s embrace won over, and I drifted off to sleep, no closer to resolving my conundrum than I was when I first laid down.

The next morning, however, things seemed much clearer.

I awoke to an empty bed, which wasn’t too surprising. From the mornings I had spent at Vivian’s house, I knew her to be an early riser. I had made sure to show Vivian where we kept our coffee the night before for that exact reason, and as I laid in bed trying to shake off the last vestiges of sleep, I merely assumed she had already gotten up and helped herself to some coffee. My bladder was aching and no small part of me was tempted to flood my pull-up, but I knew I’d end up soaking the bed too.

Do it. You told Vivian the pull-ups leak sometimes.

But, of course, Vivian had already woken up and found the bed dry, and I couldn’t help but think it might be suspicious if I leaked now.

If you’d asked Vivian to help you with your diapers last night, you could be laying here soaking your diaper right now.

My cheeks warmed at the idea, but in the light of morning and with my thoughts no longer clouded by alcohol, I was relieved I hadn’t taken it that far. As it was, I was already feeling shame and no small amount of mortification for how far I had taken it.

You pissed yourself like a toddler in front of her again.

I groaned internally. I had. All because I was being stupid and chasing a pipe dream.

That’s it, no more of this; you have got to stop this ridiculousness. No more accidents, day or night. You can just pass it off as a temporary problem caused by the stress of the end of the semester.

I knew that was what I had to do, and I resolved to do just that. I sat up in bed, rubbing my face with my hands, my pull-up squishing beneath me, and promised myself that I would put an end to all of this silliness.

And then Vivian walked in.

“Morning, my darling Lavender,” she said brightly as she approached the bed with a steaming mug in her hand. “I made you some coffee, and I ordered us breakfast. Nothing special, just some waffles and fresh fruit from a nearby brunch place. It will be here shortly."

I smiled groggily as I took the mug from Vivian, “thank you, sweetheart.”

“My pleasure,” Vivian stroked my cheek gently, then ran her hand through my hair. “No…problems last night?” She asked suddenly.

“Problems?” I asked as if I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, but my cheeks were warm.

“No…leaks?”

That time I blushed hard. She could have been asking whether or not I’d stayed dried, but instead she was asking if I had leaked; the fact that I was wet was apparently a foregone conclusion. I tried to hide my blush with a sip of my coffee, but there was no way she didn’t notice. “No,” I said quietly, “no leaks.”

“Good,” she smiled at me in a way that seemed almost…proud? “Come on then,” she grabbed my hand and gently pulled me to my feet, “why don’t you go get yourself all cleaned up before breakfast gets here, okay?”

But as I began to walk away, Vivian gave my butt two quick pats, pressing the sodden pull-up against me as she did. I was happy I was facing away from her; she could see neither the crimson of my cheeks nor the goofy smile spreading across my face.

Okay, maybe you’re not quite done with this silliness after all.

I definitely was not.