Snow Drifting Down on the Dark Waters
Frustration.
Wolfmother’s heart half-gone in the sky. Too far to call.
Stupid, stupid runt.
Arrogant, foolish, human. So tangled in human ideals. My fury inside grew with the nourishment.
Fang, trusted second, good packbrother, could not find a Guardian. We did not know where to look, or what to hunt. Witch? Wolf? Spirit? Human? Dark Clouds Above the Wildfire would not say. Only that there was great respect for the Guardian.
It must be strong for the big wolf to respect it.
The beer did not taste as good with these emotions. The spot on the roof was not as peaceful. The runt was mine. My pack. My runt. This Guardian having my runt felt bad, as if her mistakes were my fault. Four winters, she still had not learned.
She will learn.
I would not yield, I would not surrender. The runt would learn and understand. Then she could help with the Empty.
My fingers did nothing to soothe the pain in the black scar.
The Runt. I heard her. Pain. Fear. Need.
Far away. North way.
Snow crunched under my feet on the ground after the jump. Fang and Spike were inside, fighting as pups fought, empty anger and foolishness.
“Fang.” The older Turned had human learning to use. “The runt howled.” He did not move fast enough. My fingers tangled in his face-beard. In the cold wind, I used a hand to show him. Less meaning than Wolftongue. “That way, she is many miles away, but she was outside. She is hurt, she calls for us to go help her. You go, find her and come back. Learn what this Guardian is if you can. It may have taken her again.”
The packbrother’s anger grew. Good. Made him stronger. “I’ll find her, boss. We’ll bring her home.”
“Don’t fight. You’ll only scout, find out what you can.” Human-talk came easier with use. The way it had to organize things to share, one at a time. So weak compared to Wolftongue which said everything at once. Words smashed together to try and give meaning faster. I would never enjoy it. “We don’t know what we’re up against here, don’t do anything stupid.”
The other Turned laughed, shoving. “Yeah, Fang.”
“Stupid is why you’re not going.” Now it was Fang’s turn to laugh. “Fang will find her, then your strength will help. It is not for you to think, it is for you to fight.” He liked that. Bloodthirsty in a way only a human could be. “Come back, tell me what it is. I’ll decide how we’re handling it.”
“You got it, boss.”
His paws carried him off, running in the direction of the howl.
I went to get another beer.
* * *
Tori
My leg ached but it wasn’t the agony that it had been before. The heartsblood had helped, it seemed. Another surprise, another thing I hadn’t learned about myself.
"How about we head back inside and get you cleaned up? It's cold out here without that fur coat of yours and I'll have to check your stitches again." Gwen was right, it was cold, and I was covered in the deer’s blood.
And sick to my stomach.
"Fuck... " I fell over in the snow, holding my belly. A human stomach wasn't the same as a wolf's... it was not a good idea to transform after gorging. The meat needed time to settle in the body. "Fuck, fuck, why did I ride the shift.... ughhh."
"Good question."
I didn’t know why. It had been instinct. The blood called to the body, the body said to shift, so I did.
“I’m going to pick you up.” She gave me a moment to protest, but I could only groan. Then my cheeks lit up as she slid an arm under my knees and the other behind my back, lifting me like a princess. Or her bride. Her smell of rose and mint was strong as she guided my head to her shoulder, though not as strong as it had been before. It felt nice. It was relaxing, and despite myself, I smiled. "Let's head downstairs. Get that blood off you and warm you up a bit with a shower."
"Fine. Fine, just... go." I wasn't sure if I could walk and I wasn't sure I wanted to find out right then. I ended up vomiting before we made it to the house, groaning as she carried me inside. "Ughh, it's not fair... "
Maybe this time I would get a glance at her fucking door code.
Before we made it to the back door, my body was done cooperating. I heaved, full of pain and sadness as I retched and lost so much meat to the snow. My throat burned, and I realized that Gwen had managed to aim me away from her. It was almost funny.
She moved quickly, trying to hold me at an angle while she opened the door - I got the last two numbers out of a combination of five. I had a lot more information than I did before, and thankfully I managed not to react.
As soon as she could, Gwen had me sitting on the floor of the shower as she cut away the bandages. I was pissed that I had finally gotten the heart and I hadn't been able to keep it down, but at least I felt better. The wound in my leg still hurt, I wasn’t able to put weight on it as I lifted myself with Gwen’s help and a steadying hand on the shower walls.
I went with a hot shower, even though I was pretty certain I could take the cold again. It felt… cleaner. Washing away the blood. Gwen had been covered, her outfit was ruined.
Which was kind of funny.
She must have rushed. I heard her leave the room, but she was back when I was done playing with the water, giving myself a few minutes to just wiggle my fingers in the stream. She was back already. Then again, it had taken me a while to get all of the blood out of my hair.
I consoled myself, reminding myself that I had called to Alpha. They’d hear me, and they’d come. I couldn’t have escaped in the few minutes she was gone changing her clothes. She would have caught me at the door, I only had two numbers. Then what?
But what will happen to Gwen?
That was a problem for later. For Future Tori, as Gwen would say.
I called to her as I pushed open the shower door. "Can you continue being relatively nice to me?"
She laughed, leaning against the wall. Gwen moved closer, steadying me, letting me use her to hold my weight. "Tori, if you'll recall, that wound on your thigh came after you were pretending to be sick, punched me in the face, tried to rip out my throat, and very nearly took my leg off." She smirked as she helped wrap a towel around me. "How about we try being nicer with each other?"
"Awesome. We're agreed. So I'm not going back in the cage then."
She rolled her eyes at me, helping me back toward the room with the cage. "I doubt that’s a viable option. I'm pretty sure there's a one hundred percent chance you'll attack me in the morning when I come down if I let you sleep outside of it."
"Oh, so you think keeping people in cages is nice then. Got it. But me biting you to protect myself isn't nice. Seems like a double-standard." I knew it was futile, but I was going to prod at her anyway.
"You said you wanted me to continue being relatively nice. If I was mean it would be a smaller, unpadded, cage." She shrugged as we crossed through the storage room, unsurprisingly unswayed. "You really expect me to believe if I let you sleep outside of it tonight you wouldn't be waiting at the top of the stairs tomorrow morning so you could throw me down them? Besides. A lot of people would pay good money to sleep in a cage like that. A lot of them would find it hot, it's a pretty common fantasy. You sure it's not one of yours?"
"Shut the fuck up." I growled at her. "I'm not some S&M freak. I don't want your collar, I don't want to be in a cage. I'm a goddamned wolf and I want to run free. Stop trying to get in my head."
Because it's working.
Gwen wasn’t trying to hide the amusement in her voice. She was enjoying this. "Well, instead you get to sleep in a cage, which you definitely think is hot, and you got to watch some movies and relax in a nice house."
I glared at her. Up at her, since she was taller than me. "I do not think sleeping in a cage is hot."
To my surprise, she sat me down gently in her recliner.
"You sure? A lot of people find the idea of them to be very hot. Especially someone like you." I could feel that I was blushing, but I scowled, hoping to hide it as a flush of anger. "Someone so strong and unable to show weakness. But things like collars are cages are things you can't fight against. There is a serenity in knowing you can't fight back or escape them. To give up power and be able to accept it isn't your fault."
“That what’s not my fault?”
"Doesn't it get tiring to have to keep acting tough?" I only sputtered as she reached down and stroked my cheek, so gently. "Especially when you don't want to. When you can just enjoy yourself instead."
I didn't want to give up power, I didn't have any power! I was the runt of the pack, I was pushed around by everyone.
But when she reached forward and stroked my face, there would be no hiding it now, no explaining away the fierce blush. My sputtering became a stammered, embarrassed reaction.
...I liked her touch, and I didn't understand why. It wasn't just in the wolf form, I wanted her to pet me now. I wanted her to stroke my hair, I wanted her to...
I wanted her to kiss me.
Throwing my arms up, I tried to shove her away, but only succeeded in half-knocking myself from the chair for my trouble. She caught me, her arms wrapped around me and holding me more like a lover than a captive.
My objection was hollow. "Let go... "
"Nope." I could see her smirk from the corner of one eye. "One, because if I do you'll just fall to the floor. Two because I know you don't want me to." She was right, on both counts. She pulled me closer, lifting me and holding me. "I know you're strong, Tori. But you don't always have to be strong. You know what I mean?"
Nothing made sense. I felt so comfortable in her arms, so relaxed... I wanted this. All of me wanted this, not just the wolf.
Was it because she recognized that I was strong? That I wasn't the runt here?
But I was. She called me runt just like everyone else.
I felt like I was going to burst into flames as I tried to puzzle through my feelings. She had carried me, like a princess in the movies. She was holding me in a way I had never been held. I felt small and cared for but at the same time she was complimenting my strength.
By the time I had some semblance of a coherent thought, our positions had changed, and she was sitting in the chair.
With me in her lap.
"...you don't understand." Was the best I could manage.
“Oh?” A hand on the small of my back steadied me. Her voice was soft, gentle. Her scent was relaxing, soothing. "I'll need you to tell me more then. That way I can understand."
It was surprisingly comfortable in her lap. I couldn't remember the last time I had been held at all, where someone was simply holding me close - not out of some attempt to force me to submit to them...
But wasn't that what she was doing?
"You can't understand. You don't know what it's like to be the runt, you're not a wolf."
"You're right." She agreed with me. She didn’t try to tell me I was wrong, she didn’t try to tell me not to feel bad about it. "I can't understand your experiences. There are simply some things people can't truly understand because they're not part of that group. There are parts of my life I don't think you'd really understand either. All we can do is try and understand each other."
Did she truly want to understand? I could feel angry tears burning the backs of my eyes, but it was confusing. I was mad, I could feel the rage inside me, but it wasn’t at her. The words just tumbled from my lips.
"It sucks. Being the runt sucks. Being mocked all the time, being pushed around, running all the errands and getting the leftovers of everything." I balled my fists, digging my nails into my palms as I sank deeper into her, trusting her in a way that part of me was screaming about, but I was already going. "You don't know what it's like. And you're no better! You've been shoving me around too!"
"You're right." Her hand was a balm on my cheek, her voice gentle as she said things I never expected from a human. "I shouldn't have pushed some of your buttons the way I did. I don't regret having you here, but I could have tried to be nicer about it. And you're right, I can't really understand. I've lived here on my own since I was seventeen. I can understand what it's like being alone and wanting someone there. I unfortunately can't understand what it was like to go through the rest of that."
Of course she ruined it. Of course she tried to tell me that we were the same.
I snarled at her, sitting up further so I could make eye contact. "You think you know what it's like to be alone? You said you didn't like the city, fine. Maybe you didn't even have many friends growing up. I was subconsciously hated. By everyone. By humans. And no, you shouldn't have! You're not sorry you kidnapped me, fine. Whatever. I don't want someone there! And I don't want to be here."
I crossed my arms and flopped back down in her lap, fuming. The sigh that came from her was one of deep sadness, something far deeper than my words.
“Tori,” her smile was so sad as she began, it sapped some of my anger, draining it away like water down the shower. "I visited this farm a lot growing up. I moved here when I was twelve. My mom was Granddad’s daughter. She knew about werewolves growing up. My dad was just some guy who loved the outdoors and learned a lot more about it while they were together." She paused and I could almost feel the pain in her. She looked away, trying to hide it. "She died when I was twelve. Car crash. Real mundane way to go given the world she grew up in. We moved deeper into the city, as far from nature as he could take us. Dad wasn’t the same. He was quiet, hurt. I didn’t understand it then, I was ten, but I get now that he was confused and scared. Dad didn't feel equipped to navigate this kind of world by himself, and I think part of him hated Granddad for it. Blamed him.
“But still, I spent the summers here. I was all Granddad had left, and he loved me like I was the center of the universe.” Her smile was so soft, I couldn’t stop myself from wiping the tears from the corner of her eye as I listened quietly. “Eventually, I convinced Dad to go camping again. Nature was so important to me and I wanted to share it with him, to show him that nature wasn’t bad. To try and help him see it the way Mom had, the way I did. Mom grew up among the supernatural and died in a very normal way. Dad and I were camping when he died in a real supernatural way despite the mundane world he grew up in.”
She stopped, her breathing a little ragged. Somehow, I knew that she hadn’t told this story often. Who would believe her?
“Killed by a werewolf. First I ever met. I spent the next three days being hunted. Wasn’t hungry. It was killing and hurting others for fun. Only really alive because of luck and the fact it decided to be a sadistic asshole instead of just killing me."
There was no anger left in me. Her story had washed it all away, a deluge on the coals of my rage. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t hate me, and a question burned my lips. "Was your mom a wolf? Was your grandpa?"
"If they were, I never knew. Mom never told me about werewolves." Her laugh was short and sharp. Bitter. "I had a crash course in werewolves all on my own. If Granddad was a wolf, I never saw it and he never admitted to it. Though I learned silversmithing from him, so probably not. I don't have evidence for or against my mom being one. I've never transformed so unless there's something about it I'm missing I don't seem to be one, plus the whole silver thing. I don't know much about the human Trueborn though, I mostly know wolf Trueborn."
She leaned back, sighing, and I laid my head on her chest, touched that she had shared this story with me, confused that she didn’t hate and hunt all wolves for hurting her, for taking away what she needed and loved.
The way I hated humans. Then again, there were a lot of signs that she hadn’t forgiven my kind completely.
We sat in silence for a while, I just listened to her heartbeat. There was very little I could say to that. Maybe she did understand, a little. As much as a human could.
"Tori, I stay here because it's what I have left. Granddad died when I was seventeen and I spent weeks after that taking pot shots at cop cars with my bow to keep them from removing me from the property. Eventually they just gave up, not like a lot of people cared that Granddad’s last git was living by herself in the middle of nowhere, so close to eighteen anyway."
She hesitated, sitting up, supporting my back with her arm as she smiled down at me, as she answered my thoughts. "It's important to me that you don't think I hate werewolves. River's pack has always been important to me since that experience. It's hard not to feel some resentment. Some bitterness towards someone who took something away from you. But other werewolves aren't the one who did that to me."
"I call bullshit." I was quiet with my accusation, there was no fury in it, but it wasn't spoken timidly either. "You have collars, a werewolf-proof cage in a werewolf-proof basement, and werewolf-killing weapons. You were ready for this. Hell, you probably wanted this to happen." I was back to fuming and I realized how wrong it was that I was sitting in her lap like this. That I should be cozying up to my captor at all.
The captor you had the best sex of your life with...
The thought lit my cheeks on fire as I struggled to get myself down to the ground.
"It’s called an inheritance, Tori." Gwen rolled her eyes at me even as she helped me down onto the floor. "I told you before, my grandpa had spent time trying to fix the dire affliction. Turned out you need a strong cage and weapons to subdue an out of control dire."
I had succeeded in escaping her lap, but now I was at her feet and it was hard to say which was worse. I’d look like an idiot scooting across the floor to get to her couch - which was covered in fallen books anyway.
Begrudgingly, I pulled myself onto the blanket while she fetched us each a bottle of water.
“Not all of the weapons here are his or mine, though." With water delivered, she sat back down in her chair with a shrug. "Some of them are based on or stolen from a hunter I killed a few years back."
"A hunter? Like a werewolf hunter?" Alpha made it clear that killing a werewolf was the worst crime possible, such as we even had crimes. So the werewolf hunter had to be a human. "Did he threaten your friend River?"
"He showed up a few days before the pack arrived. He must have gotten information on them somehow. Set some traps up in different areas. Real nasty stuff. I got hit by a few trying to disarm them. Luckily most of the traps relied on aerosols and paints instead of real weapons so all I got was a few bruises."
She struggled, like she’d never really talked to anyone about this before.
"Eventually I was only really left with one option. Arrow through the throat. Finished him off. Looted the corpse for weapons. I gave the body to River and let her decide what to do with it." She looked down at me, completely calm as she talked about murdering this werewolf hunter. Another human. "I've made a few things based on what I stole. Can't copy all of it though. A few things I'll run out of if they expire or I ever need to use it."
I looked away from her, the world feeling a little clearer, less hazy from the ordeal. Everything a little less jumbled.
"You do realize you're explaining your murder habits and your stockpile of weapons to a girl you kidnapped, right? That you're holding me against my will," I gave air quotes as I continued, "for my own good. Right? What happened to your family sucks, but you're not exactly the good guy here. I don't kill unless people attack me - or you'd have been dead in the street in town."
"I'm explaining how I killed one person who had killed many of your kind before. Though I suppose you're right. I could have just left them to be hunted instead of doing something about it. Is that what you'd do if you had a pack? Ignore a threat and let them fend for themselves?" There was a flash of something in her eyes, I had hit a nerve. "I never claimed to be the good guy. World's too gray for most people to get that kind of designation."
I could only hold eye contact with that steely gaze for a moment. She was right, I was wrong. She’d killed someone who hunted wolves. She had protected the pack that she called friends from her own kind. I looked at the ground.
My only hope was that she didn't realize what that meant - because I was painfully aware of it.
"I need some clothes."
She stood, stretching before she went back to her storage room, returning with another oversize t-shirt. Riverford Jubilee 2002. The damn shirt was almost as old as I was. No pants of any kind, though. Just the shirt. Not that I needed clothes. There had been months where I was forbidden from wearing clothes in the den because I spent too much time blushing and complaining.
But it was different with Gwen. I didn't want her looking at my body. Alpha didn't want to have sex with me and Gwen did.
"There. That should do you for a while." Her voice broke my train of thought, but something new was left behind. A worry gnawing at my insides, but I wasn’t quite sure what it was yet. I knew it was there, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. She sat down in her chair, her smile too gentle as she looked down at me. "Now, do you want to watch another movie?"
"Not really. I'd rather you let me go." I was trying to stoke my fire back up again, but I sounded cowed. I wanted her to come and hold me and comfort me... and I hated that. I hated that I wanted her, that my body wanted her. "What else do you usually do with your kidnapping victims?"
"Well." My heartbeat sped up as she leaned over, brushing her fingers across my cheek. "Given you're the first I think what I mostly do with them is watch movies with them or leave them in the cage to rest. I figured watching a movie would be more fun."
She was stroking my cheek. Tender, gentle motions from calloused fingers.
Treating me like a pet.
I forced myself to pull away, standing with difficulty and taking a step back, leaning against the wall.
"Fine." I kept my eyes to the floor, hoping to hide my blush. "Put in another fucking movie."
"Well, maybe you should stop hopping around like a rabbit. It's not doing your leg any good." She ticked off movie names on her fingers as she went. "We got Shrek and the second Lilo and Stitch movie, and the Song of the Sea for western options. My Neighbor Totoro, Spirited Away and Princess Mononoke if you're interested in Ghibli.”
I’d never seen any of them. I didn’t know what a Gibbly was. I snapped at her, shouting over half of what she was saying. "I'm not a rabbit and you're not funny." I was fuming, my teeth bared and my fists balled.
She didn’t even stop, ignoring me completely. “...animated I have George of the Jungle, The Dark Knight, and if you really want to kill an entire day I got the Lord of the Rings trilogy.”
I turned my back on her, limping over to the stairs and sitting down. I needed to be further away from her, she was infuriating and it made me hate my urges all the more.
Of course, she wasn’t done. “I think I'm pretty funny. How about you come back here, sit on your blanket, and choose a movie." Her smile was so fucking smug it was infuriating. "Can you do it without hopping?"
It was a lot easier to be angry at her from the stairs. The desire for her touch seemed to be easier to control the further away from her I was. I wasn't used to having reactions like this, I'd only had a handful of lovers since my change... and I hadn't spent any time around them afterward, and never around the Blood Moon. Even if it hadn’t actually been the Blood Moon, that’s what it felt like. That’s how my body acted. I had no idea how to handle this, and I wasn't about to ask Gwen.
She stood, walking over to me. My pulse quickened with each step. I shrank away, if only because I could smell her every step. "You can't see the movie very well from over here." She stopped so close to me, looming over me, leaving me under a blanket of her shadow. I could smell her musk, her scent… and arousal? My senses were telling me she was in heat, a crazy mix of soothing and stimulating all at once. "Instead of being grumpy you could be laying down and enjoying yourself."
I was overwhelmed by her.
"I don't want to lay at your feet." I didn't look up, my eyes were down and away from her, my muscles tense. "I'm not your fucking dog."
"Tori, I admitted I had been pretty rude before." I couldn’t look up at her, not with her smelling this way. Not with that touch of something in her voice. "But you're doing a lot of whining for someone who claims they aren't a dog. I think you do want to sit there and just won't admit it. Just like how you keep pretending you're not enjoying many of the other things here."
She kept telling me how much I wanted it, how I wanted her to cage me. Now the anger was enough. My eyes shot up at her, flashing fury. "I'm not enjoying being your captive!"
But my breath was hot in my throat, and I was glad she was human or she'd smell my own arousal.
The fact that my body was responding to her was the worst betrayal.
"You sit on the floor and I'll sit in the chair and we'll watch."
"Mmm... no." Her hand reached toward me, slowly. Inexorable. My body responded before my mind. I leaned in and nuzzled her hand before I caught myself. It took everything I had to shove that hand away. My legs were trembling despite the fact that I was sitting down. "You happily sat on your blanket while we were watching movies before. I think you can sit there again."
This traitorous body of mine was ready for her.
"No." The raging inferno of my anger and defiance was a mere candle now... I didn't want to lay at her feet, I didn't want to submit to her... but my body did.
Fucking traitorous wolf...
Her hand slid down my cheek, fingers curling as she took my chin with her thumb. She tilted my head upward, guiding my eyes to hers. She wore a smirk on her lips.
"Or perhaps there's some other activity you have in mind that you'd enjoy more than watching a movie?" She leaned closer with each word. "I'm more than happy to arrange that for you."
I moaned.
I actually moaned, a soft, needy moan as my legs shifted apart for her ever so slightly. Finally, finally I had enough adrenaline to try and change... and it wasn't there. I reached for the wolf, to become the brute. I willed my body to change, I tried to force my shape the way I had countless times before.
And it was like her witchcraft again. But it had worn off. The bracelets had let me change many times before.
It was like... the wolf was refusing.
I trembled, afraid. Not wanting her touch but needing it. "No... "
"What a needy puppy." She leaned down. My heart thundered between panic and need. I wanted so badly to push her away, she was right. I was needy in that moment, and I could do nothing to stop her. "All you needed to do was ask nicely and I'd have been happy to make you feel good again."
She gave me what I had been craving. Gently, she lifted that hand further, cupping my chin as she took my lips. Softly at first, but with such a heat behind them.
She kissed me.
She leaned in and kissed me.
And I was so shaken I couldn't even react. My lips parted for hers as that scent filled my nostrils. Her lips were so warm, so soft…
"Why keep fighting the things you want?" The kiss broke, she pulled away, but stayed so close. "Why not just enjoy yourself?"
Her hand was alongside my face, she was staring into my eyes... and it took a full three seconds before I could understand what she had said.
I was staring straight into her eyes... and I leaned forward and returned the kiss, pressing my lips against hers, my fingers clutching at her shirt. I needed her. I was hurt, she was safety. I was scared, she was power.
My mate.
The thought struck me like a bolt of lightning and finally, finally, I shoved her away. "No!"