Chapter 11
He didn’t know how long he had been out. The room was dark, so it had to have been at least a few hours.
“Hey, can we talk?” Inner Child asked quietly. All playfulness was gone from her voice.
“Honestly? I really don’t want to talk to you at all anymore.” he sighed. “Maturity was right…you’re trying to turn me into some kind of freak. I don’t know why I would do this to myself, and frankly I don’t care. I want you gone.”
“Please…I was only trying to help…” she begged, but he wasn’t interested in hearing her. After he didn’t respond, she said “I’m sorry you’re hurt and confused. I only ever wanted to help you, but you don’t want me anymore, so I’ll go. You won’t hear from me anymore. Can I ask just one last thing? Will you please keep Rufus? You don’t have to take him out of his house, but please…don’t get rid of him.”
He couldn’t bring himself to respond to her, and so he just left her in silence. A few moments later, Maturity spoke up. “I think she’s gone. Thank you for finally seeing reason…thank you for finally growing up.”.
He couldn’t bring himself to respond to Maturity either, so he didn’t reply. All he wanted now was to sleep and forget all of this. He just wanted his life back.
The following day was Sunday and nothing could motivate him to get himself out of bed. The events of the previous day weighed heavily on him. By the time he awoke on Monday morning, Saturday was beginning to feel like a distant memory, and he was able to lose himself entirely in his work.
For the next several months, he fell back into his routine of work, video games, and sleep. For a while he was happy. His odd desires had finally left him and his mind felt clearer. He had gotten what he wanted…but reality began to set in slowly. He found that he was enjoying things less. Work was becoming unbearable and the joy he used to find in video games just wasn’t there anymore. His passions, his hobbies, nothing interested him. It was as if color was draining from the world, and he was powerless to stop it. He spent more time asleep than awake these days and his home had fallen into an unmaintained mess, not that he could muster any motivation to fix that. He tried to ask Maturity what he was supposed to be doing, but all Maturity would say was “You’re doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing. You’re going to work, you’re being productive…I don’t know why you are feeling this way.”.
Realizations often come from unexpected sources, and this was no different. He was walking home from work one night when he stopped in front of a local ice cream shop. Now, he passed this shop every day on the way home, but he had never stopped before. For some reason though, tonight he did, and he watched as a child, who couldn’t have been older than 6, experienced what could only be described as wonder. His mom had moved a chair so that he could stand and see all of the flavors. He was excitedly pointing at, and getting samples for what had to be every flavor, excitedly waving his arms with each new experience.
He felt an odd feeling…was this jealousy? This child was getting so much joy from something this simple. How was that possible? Why was this bothering him so much.
Because that was me at Build-A-Bear…
The thought struck his brain like lightning. Realization surged through him like an electric current. He sent Inner Child away, and the light drained from the world. Nothing brought him joy anymore because he couldn’t experience that wonder. He needed her, and he had sent her away.
Oh man oh man I really fucked this up…
He rushed home, the thoughts burning through him, constantly reminding himself of the massive mistake he had made.
As he got inside he began to call out “Inner Child?? Are you there?? I’m sorry!! I didn’t know! Please come back. I’ll listen, I promise…please…please come back…”. His desperate cries became anguished sobs.
“What in the hell are you doing? Are you trying to bring her back?? You know what she’s going to do to you! Stop this at once!!!” Maturity yelled over the sounds of his cries.
“No! You were wrong. I need her…I don’t want the rest of what she’s doing, but I need her back. I can’t deal with this depressing, joyless world. Ill work something out, but you have to help me get her back.” he yelled back at Maturity, his voice edged with accusation.
Maturity didn’t like to see him like this, and he had to admit that things were not going well now that she was gone. He sighed heavily and said “Alright, alright. I’ll help you get her back, but remember, you asked for this…”.
“All you need to do is sleep with that bear. You do that, and she’ll come back.”.
Maturity’s words stuck in his mind. Was it really that simple? Would that do the trick? He had no idea, but he was desperate. That night before bed, he went into the depths of his closet and retrieved Rufus from his box. He had forgotten how soft his fur was, and it was immediately comforting. As he laid down, Rufus in his arms, he made a silent plea.
Please…please come back to me…I need you…I’m so so sorry…forgive me…