Chapter 7

There he stood, once more on the precipice. This time, there was no browser window, no screen between him and his desires, and he was terrified. The store wasn’t empty…rather, it was busy. He knew it would be. Rationally it made sense, it being a Saturday afternoon, but he had hoped beyond hope that it would be deserted. He felt anxiety swell in his chest, compressing his heart, his lungs, making it hard to breathe. He was losing his resolve. He was about to turn on his heels, return to his car, and retreat to the relative safety of his home when he finally heard her. Her voice was barely a whisper over his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

“I’m here with you. I promised you wouldn’t be alone, and you’re not. Take your time, we aren’t in a rush here. You can do this, I know you can.”

She’s right he thought to himself, I’m not alone. She’s here with me. Just go with the flow right? I can do that…

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Recommitted to the path she had laid out for him, he opened his eyes and strode towards the entrance. His outstretched hand found the handle of the door, and finally taking that leap of faith, he pulled it open.

His senses were assaulted as he entered. It was loud, bright, and very busy. He felt himself becoming overwhelmed, and he wanted to leave. This just wasn’t going to happen. He turned back towards the door, and above the din, he heard a voice call out to him.

“Welcome in! Is there anything I can help you find?”

The voice belonged to a man in a colorful apron, who smiled at him with a genuine desire to help.

“Um, well, I…well to be honest. I don’t really know.” He admitted.

“Oh! Is this your first time with us?” the man asked.

“Yeah, I, uh…I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing.”

“Well then! I’ll be happy to help you out.” The man exclaimed cheerfully. “Now, are you making this for someone? Did they tell you what to look for?”

He froze. The man had given him an out, an excuse. He could just say that this was for a relative! For someone else! He opened his mouth to answer, but before he could, Inner Child spoke up.

“No.” she said simply. “You need to be honest with him. If you tell him this is for someone else, you won’t get the experience, you won’t be going with the flow, and you won’t understand what I am trying to show you.” She paused before continuing. “You need to tell him this is for you. It’ll be ok, I promise you.” she said reassuringly.

Ok…I’ll trust you. He thought. He looked at the man, still awaiting his reply, and said hesitantly and very softly, almost murmuring under his breath “I…no…this is for me.”

He closed his eyes and braced for the ridicule he knew was coming. The man was going to say something like “For you? But you’re way too old for this! Hey! Everyone! Look at this freak!!” he just knew he was. He wanted to run, to flee this place, but he felt something he didn’t expect. He felt a hand grab hold of his, gently, and he heard the man say “Ok! Let’s go and make you a new friend.”

He opened his eyes, slowly, and looked down at his hand, and then at the man holding it. The man’s eyes had warmth, kindness, and not a single hint of malice in them…She had been right. He allowed himself to be pulled over to the first section, and the man said “Ok! First things first, we’ve got to pick out a friend for you to start with. Why don’t you take a look at these and let me know which one speaks to you?”. He looked down at the dizzying array of unstuffed animals before him and he just…froze. There were so many to pick from, all different shapes, sizes, and colors. It was all just too much for him.

“Overwhelmed?” the man asked, his voice gentle. “That can happen to a lot of first timers. Let’s see if I can help you out. Now, I don’t want to make your decision for you, but I find that this helps.” The man reached out and took his hand, guiding it towards one of the unstuffed animals on the shelf. His hand made contact, and suddenly he felt the haze in his mind clear away.

“It…it’s so soft…” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

The man smiled at him, and said “It looks like you’ve got some decisions to make, so I’ll leave you to it. I’ll be back to check in with you in a few minutes, ok?”

He didn’t hear any of that though. His hands were a flurry of activity. Picking up, feeling, putting down, picking up again just to be sure.

The man smiled a bit wider, and satisfied with what he saw, he headed off to assist other patrons.

He sorted through them all for what felt like hours, agonizing over the most minute differences in texture and softness, not even considering what the animals actually were. He stopped, took a step back, followed by a deep breath. I can do this he thought to himself.

“That’s right! You’ve got this! You’re doing so well and I’m proud of you.” Piped up Inner Child, her voice as bubbly as ever. “Are there any that speak to you?” she asked. Well, I don’t know… he admitted, his thoughts tinged with disappointment. I’m just trying to figure out feel right now…I haven’t even really given much thought to looks…

“Now now.” she chided “There’s no room for disappointment here. You’re doing great. It’s just a lot to pick from, so it’s ok that you feel a bit overwhelmed. Let’s try this. Can you close your eyes, reach in, and grab one that feels good to you? Let’s see what happens.”

Her voice was calming. What she was suggesting didn’t seem too hard, so he closed his eyes, and reached towards the shelves. He fished around for a bit before his hand encountered perfection. This was the feeling he was looking for. He just hoped it was an animal he liked. He nervously opened his eyes, unsure of what was waiting for him. He was a bit surprised to see that what he had encountered wasn’t visible yet. His hand was buried up to almost his elbow in animals, which were obscuring his prize. He pulled his hand out, and with it the animal he had felt.

This is it…he thought. This is the one. I don’t know how I know, but I just do…he’s perfect.

He looked down at his choice, a simple black bear with a brown face, and brown paws. The fur was silky soft, and it felt amazing on his skin.

The man approached him and exclaimed joyfully “Oh! Did you find someone who spoke to you?”

“I think so, yeah. Maybe that’s a better way to put it. He just seemed to be perfect? I don’t know if I am making sense, but yeah, this is the one.” He said, a bit too quickly, his voice quivering slightly.

The man smiled warmly and said “Alrighty then! You’ve made an excellent choice. Now are you ready for the next step?”

“Yeah…I think I am.” he said, excitement creeping into his voice. “Let’s do this.”