Chapter 6

The next morning came, and as he awoke, he was greeted with a fresh wave of doubt. Why was he even considering this? What would this mean for him? Would this work? What the hell was he even doing, talking to himself, to these weird voices that sprung up out of nowhere? The thoughts swirled faster and faster in his mind, threatening to become a whirlpool, dragging him back down into the depths of his depression.

“Alrighty! Today’s the day! Are you ready to get started?” Inner Child chimed in, just as bubbly as ever. And with her arrival, the waters of his mind calmed. No longer did the whirlpool of doubt pull at him, he was calm, and he was ready for whatever was coming.

“Ready as I’ll ever be. Now, can you please tell me how we are going to go about this?”

“Oh! Yes, of course, how silly of me. Did I not mention this last night?” she asked. He took a moment, bewildered as she had been the one to tell him that he needed to wait to hear this plan. Was she truly this scatterbrained that she couldn’t remember what she had told him just the night before?

“Well, it’s kind of rude to put it like that, don't you think??” she said, matter of factly.

Right he thought, they can hear me when I do that.

“Right you are! But seeing as you’re still getting used to this, I’ll let that one slide. Anyway, you’re going to go to Build-A-Bear, and we are gonna make you a new friend!”

“WHAT?” He shouted aloud, “Are you insane? I can’t go there! That place is for kids, and I’m not a child!” He continued, fear welling up inside him, threatening to drive him into a panic.

Sensing an opportunity, Maturity spoke up; “That’s correct! He can’t go there. As he stated, that is a store for children, and not only is he not one himself, he will not be taking one with him, so there’s no point in going.”

“I have to agree with him here, I can’t even see a point in going there! Everyone there is going to think I’m some sort of freak.”

“Freak..” he heard in the back of his mind.

“Or what if someone recognizes me?” he cried out on the verge of hysterics.

“Your social life would be over…….”

“Never live it down…”

More and more voices were joining the chorus getting louder and louder and louder. He felt so small and in that moment, he just wanted to run, to hide, to get away from all of this. But he couldn’t stop the voices from coming.

“Broken” “Freak” “Outcast” “Wrong” “Disappointment”

The voices had reached a crescendo, and his chest felt tight. He couldn’t breathe. The edges of his vision were beginning to darken. Panic was setting in, but as it threatened to close in and take him, he heard a voice like thunder.

“ENOUGH!!!” bellowed Inner Child, and the voices scattered like leaves in the wind. Blown away by forces beyond their control. His mind was quiet now, almost deafeningly so, but then he heard her whisper to him.

“Hey hey hey, shhh, it’s ok now, they’re gone. They’re the ones who’re wrong, you know. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with feeling the ways you do.”

He didn’t really know if he wanted to believe her, or even if he could. But what he did know in that moment, was that her words made him feel warm and … safe? He wanted to trust in her, to believe her. But those voices seemed right to him, what if people thought those things about him, what if they actually called him those things? It was all too much to bear; just as he was about to collapse, she spoke again.

“I promise you no one will say anything bad to you. As for what people think, well, that’s just an excuse really……..Let me put it to you this way. The people who would think those things about you? Well, they don’t matter. And the people who matter? They won’t think those things. Simple as that.”

“You make it sound so easy.” he despaired aloud. He really didn’t see how this was going to go well for him. He’d always had poor self esteem, and he put other’s views of him on such a high pedestal. It was so much work to maintain an image that he thought people would approve of. It was so tiring, but it had to be done……didn’t it?

“One thing I hope you can get from me in all of this, is that what others think of you doesn’t matter. Not one bit. If you spend all of your time and effort making yourself into something you aren’t, into denying yourself the things that would make you happy, then you’re trying to appease the wrong people.” She said, continuing, “If you spend a fraction of that energy appeasing yourself, then you’ll be amazed at the people who find you, and who will accept you for who you really are.” She paused for a moment to let her point sink in. “Now, if you’re feeling up to it, let’s go get you that new friend. I promise you, it won’t be as scary as you think it will be. Just go with the flow, and remember, I’ll be with you the whole time, so you’re not alone. Do you trust me?”

He thought about it for a while. He was nervous, he felt sick, and he absolutely did not want to go through with this at all. He could think up a million reasons why this was a terrible idea, and why this would lead his life to ruin, but for all of those reasons for why not, there was one that countered them all. For whatever reason, due to some unknown feeling deep in his core, beyond all rational sense, he trusted her. So, he spoke that truth to her.

“I do.”

“Ok. They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step. Are you ready for your journey to begin?”

“Let’s go.” He said, and immediately after doing so, he felt something inside of him he hadn’t felt in a while. It had been so long he almost forgot the word for this feeling. It was Hope.