Chapter 4: Home

Floating up into consciousness, Kate awoke flat on her back and immersed in silence. It felt ordinary, almost too much so. She frowned. There would be work soon, and she had to get up and scarf down breakfast. Maybe she'd catch Bryce on his way out the door.

But--as she attempted to rub the morning gunk from her eyes--she awoke with a jolt, as a familiar pain radiated from her now-flat chest. Whatever miserable thoughts she'd had suddenly dashed from her consciousness like pigeons from a tree; loudly, awkwardly, but with a crude kind of grace.

It had been real. It was still real.

Her eyes flashing open, Kate drew a sharp breath to the sight of crib bars stretching far far above her. Gray in the cool early morning light, they led to a ceiling plastered in faintly-luminant purple stars and moons. Kate winced as she carefully inchwormed herself upright against the headboard so that she could survey the rest of the room--her room. The thought sent her head spinning, and eyes gobbling.

The window above her crib illuminated a tall ornate dresser on the opposite side of the room. Atop it were some generic trinkets and a lamp she was probably never expected to reach. But in the center was a picture frame. Classy purple and white colors hugged a portrait of Jon and Marie, and their expressions of warmth and joy brightened the morning dim.

For a moment, Kate thought she heard a creak near the door, and she held her breath expecting the door to swing open. She observed the gap underneath for signs of movement, caught up in the memories of her upbringing for a moment. But seeing no light or activity, she shook her head and smirked.

"Heh, if only I could see the looks on their disappointed faces...!"

Continuing her tour of the room, Kate spotted a round wicker bin of stuffies underneath a cozy canopy in the corner. Illuminated by the warm glow of a tiny night light, butterfly decals emerged on the adjacent wall behind it, carrying her gaze to what appeared to be the very top of a rocking chair hidden behind the opposite headboard. Craning her head up, a mobile of fuzzy small animals danced out of reach. She couldn't see behind her, but she assumed that's where the missing changing table sat.

As her gaze fell back to her feet, she realized Blue Bear was sitting in the corner. He was watching her quietly, hidden like a shadow amongst the grays and blues of the morning light. And for the first time since her arrival, she thought about her husband with a sharp pang of guilt and longing.

Scooching awkwardly to him on her butt, she hugged him tight and wondered how long it had been since they'd held hands. How long it had been since they'd seen each other's bloodshot eyes. Had it been days? Months? Years? She shuddered at the thought of it somehow having been so long, and made an anxious mental note to ask. She hoped the complimentary counseling had at least helped while she had been unconscious. She wanted to make sure he was okay...

Gentle knocking interrupted her thoughts, as Marie slowly cracked open the door and called out in a hushed voice. So there had been someone there!

"Good mooorniiiing!" Quietly padding across the floor and kneeling before a surprised Kate, she carefully let down the crib bars. Kate stared slack-jawed for a moment before responding, amazed at how little noise a giant such as her made striding across hardwood floors.

"I'm...Good morning...! Uhm, I'm...I'm fine but..." She winced as she rolled her shoulders, "I wouldn't mind help with the pain..."

"Of course!" She stood up and opened a drawer from somewhere behind the headboard. Able to see both how high off the ground she sat, and how tall Marie stood, Kate shivered. But that thought was replaced with curiosity, as she wondered how soon she'd be able to climb again; it was high, but looked more than manageable. (assuming she'd let her!)

"How long do you think it'll be until I can uhm...use my arms again?"

Marie held out a colorful wafer the size of a small cookie. Aside from its sheer size and cartoon-shaped adornments, it was reminiscent of a chalky antacid tablet.

"Just a few more days for the pain. And a few more weeks after that, you can play all you want!" she smiled.

Kate felt startled as she took the medicine cookie, "Wow, that...quickly?"--she took a bite--"But, what about physical therapy? And how long have I been out?" Five weeks was what she'd needed last time. Slow, arduous progress, just to raise her arms above her head! And that wasn't even taking into account whatever coma she'd just been in for who-knows-how-long.

Marie sighed, "Yeah, two months wasn't it...?"

At least it wasn't years! Still, it was startling to see somebody like her reminisce over what had felt like barely days to Kate. And surely an eternity to her estranged husband.

"But no worries! The doctors said that for somebody as active as you"--Kate giggled as she booped her on the nose--"you could mostly resume play as before! The nanites have already done the bulk of the healing, we just have a few small exercises to help the rest along."

At least that was familiar! As advanced as their medical technology was--even in a small country like Tulna--she couldn't escape the physical therapy. But at least it wasn't five weeks! Relieved, but abruptly aware of the mess on her face and hands, Kate winced as she tried to wipe herself clean of the dusty cherry powder.

"Oh! Just a second, sweetie..." Kate suddenly found her face and tiny fingers being cleaned vigorously with warm wet wipes, "You really shouldn't really raise your arms until the pain goes away..."

Kate sat dazed for a moment. Not once in her relationship had Bryce wiped her face down like that, certainly not so spontaneously and...necessarily like this. She'd always had to ask for these things, they just hadn't come naturally to him. And that was before the portals...! After that, it was like pulling teeth...which, in retrospect, made that one night she'd learned Jon and Marie's names that much more intriguing.

"Oh honey, are you scared to be picked up again? I can help you walk at least...part...of the way...?"

Kate shook her head, realizing she'd started to tear up again. "No, no, no...sorry...It's not that...! It's just...Can..." she paused, about to ask to call her husband, but decided against it for now, "Can we take bear with us please? I don't mind being picked up, it was just so much the first time was all. That's not your fault...It's mine...It's..."

"It's okay, Kate" she smiled warmly, and held out her arms, "Whenever you're ready."

Kate nodded and held tight onto Blue Bear, as again she was carefully hoisted up with one hand underneath her bottom and another supporting her back. Dangling high above the ground again, the thought occurred to her that, as scary it had been at first, maybe she was being picked up that way because it was gentlest on her healing chest and shoulders? And Kate's hands were rather large...Really, it wasn't so bad. Kate smiled and wiggled a tiny bit as she was brought into Marie's soft warm chest. The ground was far, far away, but she felt safe in her arms.

Kate couldn't see it, but Marie was beaming ear to ear, her heart fit to burst. For the first time in a long time, she had begun to feel like she had a daughter again. Her daughter again. Embracing the precious Little in her arms, she stashed a small kiss in her soft unkempt hair and thought a quiet prayer for herself and her now-daughter.

Marie was aware of Kate's preferences, of course, and to her credit she wasn't exactly a religious type. She wasn't a churchgoer and hadn't prayed regularly since childhood, but it had shaped her, made her feel safe and protected.

Especially after...Marie sighed. In that moment--Kate willing--she wished she could extend to her the same protection she'd had herself as a little girl.

Downstairs, Jon greeted them with a gentle hug, holding a cup of coffee. "And how are you this morning, Kate?"

"I'm doing better, thank you!" she blushed, remembering her episode from last night.

He spoke to Marie in a hushed voice, "Bottle--? Or..."

Confused, but not put-off, Kate was about to ask when Marie explained for her, "We think that with your chest and shoulders, it could be easier to feed you for the next few days, but,"--she looked at her husband with a playful kind of expression--"we can also feed you from our plates if you don't want formula or canned food."

"Formula is fine" Kate giggled, no hesitation in her voice, "Really, I don't mind..."

"That's right, you were something like a Little already on Earth, weren't you?" Jon pulled a bottle from the fridge and put it on a warmer. Marie chuckled while gently rocking her side to side.

Blushing and hiding her face, Kate made indiscernible sounds in Marie's bosom.

"Don't want to talk about it, I bet? That's okay, what's your business is your own." Jon stooped over and gently rubbed Kate's head, "But whatever it was for you, you don't have to feel embarrassed." Kate peeked out for a moment, before blushing and hiding her face again.

"Awwwhh..." Marie hugged her tight, as she sat down next to the dining table, "Maybe while your breakfast warms up, now might be a good time for us to properly introduce ourselves?"

Jon was busying himself in the kitchen, "Mmm...? Yes. Uhm..." Kate tilted her head, amused to watch him awkwardly juggling what looked like oatmeal ingredients. Jon Andersson worked as a specialized kind of laborer, something she learned was like a plumber except specialized in some specific kind of Amazonian system. Something to do with distributed heating for the city, sometimes for incineration plants.

Unfortunately his parents weren't particularly fond of Littles...in fact, they despised them, thought they were a waste of effort; why care for Littles when you could raise a real child?

"But I won't...They won't do...anything to me, will they?" a worried Kate asked, as he stirred a bubbling pot.

"I wouldn't worry about it. We'd introduce you--and one day you may meet them--but honestly I don't think they'd care. No offense."

"None taken..." Kate was mostly relieved they weren't the opposite type -- the overzealous ones that subjected unregressed Littles to illegal hypnosis treatments or drugged foods, to 'put them in their place'. Fortunately they were rare in Alliance countries, but apparently some of the older generation still held such beliefs. Speaking of...

Kate turned her attention up to Marie, "How about you? What's your story?"

Marie worked as a youth gymnastics instructor, much to her joy! She hadn't ever competed, but she'd done it as a child and at one point had decided to rejoin the community and help children and parents bond over an active pastime.

But this bright piece of news was tarnished by what she learned of her parents. Unfortunately, Marie's parents fell into that latter age group; religious and overzealous, they saw Littles as God's gift to keep parents happy forever.

"But fortunately," Marie explained, "they are the 'pray for you' type and not the kind to...force...themselves on others." Kate scrunched her nose, wavering; it wasn't much of a consolation.

She knew the type, and wasn't fond of their passive-aggressive attitudes or righteous entitlement to how they felt others should live their lives. Her heart ran cold and she shifted uncomfortably, thinking about how her natal mother had grown up in a similar environment.

"I only want what's best for you, [ḏ͇͖e̺a̦̭̲͍d̙̠̳̯n̦͚͍͓̮͚ḁm̰̗̯̤̙e̳]!"

"Don't call me that! It's Kate! And no, you clearly don't know...!"

"Kate?" a concerned Mary jolted her back to reality. Kate looked up, bitter and upset.

"You're not like her, are you?"

"My mother? No, not at all! I certainly don't go to church..." she could see Kate still wasn't satisfied by that answer. "Honey, how about you tell me what's worrying you?"

Kate looked distant and spoke quietly, "She...My mom, the one on Earth...She grew up in a similar environment. Religious parents. But she...She didn't respect me. Held me back, deadnamed me all in this...this guise of doing what she thought 'best' for me. When in reality it was for her! I...I broke it off with her years ago." She was hugging Blue Bear tight and starting to curl into a ball in Marie's lap.

Marie gently stroked her cheek, "Kate, "--she looked up at her, scars in her tiny eyes--"I promise you, I'll listen. I'll do my best to listen to you, okay?"

"But, " Jon set down Kate's bottle and a bowl of steaming oatmeal in front of them, "Do remember: you are a child in this world, and there are many dangers here for someone your size..."

Marie gave him a look. One that said to not speak further. She turned her attention back to Kate.

"Right...But do know that if I do something you don't like, it's for your genuine protection okay? Not some misguided idea of what that looks like. I promise."

Kate still felt somewhat hesitant. She could see that something was there, but didn't want to press further--not now, in her lap, with breakfast hot on the table. Kate nodded quietly and gave a weak hug, for what the chest pain was worth.

"So, how about breakfast?" Marie held out the bottle to Kate.

"Don't you have to eat first? I mean...I could try and hold it so you can...uhm..." Internally Kate was cursing herself out, a punching bag between her worries of being a burden and the guilt she felt for being the kind of Little that wanted to be babied.

Jon shrugged, "If she can hold it herself..."

"But she's not supposed to raise her arms, dear."

"Oh, right!" Jon squeezed the bridge of his nose, "I'm sorry, Kate, I take that back."

And like that, the decision was made for her, to her relief. "It's okay...I...just didn't want to be a burden was all."

"Oh nonsense, silly! You're not a burden, not someone as cute as you...!" Kate giggled as Marie tickled her gently in her tummy and laid her in a cradle position, "Besides, would we have really gone through the adoption process if we didn't want to care for someone like you?"

Kate considered her point, and she was right. She parted her lips as Marie guided the bottle into her mouth, and began to suckle.

It was delicious.

She had tried formula before, human formula. But something about it had felt off. It was sweet and creamy, and had helped her feel small, but something about it had made her gag. So to her disappointment, she'd rarely eaten it.

But this...This tasted decadent. It was like a treat, a milkshake, rich and sweet and creamy. But not nauseatingly so to her surprise--if anything she felt like she could drink it all day. And she wanted to, almost with a desperate kind of hunger. If this was formula, she couldn't imagine what real breastmilk was like...Wait, was it?

Kate no-longer cared. She suckled eagerly, oblivious to the outside world.

Dazed and dreamy, gentle patting on her back startled her as she realized she'd been repositioned over Marie's shoulder. That absolutely had not been formula! Part of her felt betrayed at having been fed Amazonian breast milk on her first day but part of her...didn't mind. Whether the effects of the milk or her own...eager curiosity...she was happy to accept it, even if it had come so unexpectedly early.

Kate burbled and burped as the patting subsided, and she was laid back into a cradle position and Marie began to eat. She hoped her oatmeal hadn't gone cold while feeding her, that wouldn't have been fair...

But her train of thought was interrupted as a familiar sensation bubbled to the surface. Aware of her diapers for the first time, Kate blushed and wiggled uncomfortably.

"Mmph..." Marie swallowed a bite above her, "Sweetie? Is something wrong? Is...?"

"I...I have to go...bad...Can...Can I use the potty please?"

Kate wasn't a stranger to mushing her diapers sometimes. It was one of the most littling experiences for her, in fact. Yet, for all her years as a 'Little' on earth, not once had she been changed by somebody outside her 'real' infancy. Either it was too gross for Bryce, or too intimate to share, so in her head that fantasy had stayed.

So naturally, despite being literally in the arms of her adoptive mother, Kate felt worried and afraid she'd disgust them. In fact, between that and the mind-altering breastmilk, she was terrified. Her lips trembled and tears started to form in the corners of her eyes, as she started to feel that an innocent bodily act would be her undoing.

Marie's expression softened into a sympathetic kind of concern, "You have to poop, Kate?" Kate hiccuped and covered her face "Awwh, Sweetie...! There's no shame in that! Besides, I can't hold you over the potty seat, Sweetie; your arms, remember?"

Kate winced as another wave hit her, and she pulled Blue Bear in tight, groaning. She was right, it'd be too painful to be held over the seat. But even then...she'd have preferred to climb it herself. Maybe...But on consideration of the germs surely swarming all over it, she realized even that option sounded unfavorable.

"Tell you what," Marie cooed, gently rubbing her tiny head, "How about I look the other way while I finish eating breakfast, and then we'll give you a nice hot bath after? Hmm? How does that sound?" She patted her bottom gently.

Kate nodded, blushing, so that she'd look away. And as promised, she went back to eating.

Wiggling uncomfortably, Kate felt physically desperate and emotionally...a mess, for lack of better word. It wouldn't be a choice, there wasn't a choice--and having that removed made her feel a special kind of helpless. Not the feigned play kind, the genuine kind.

All was quiet except for the sounds of plates and silverware clinking, sips of coffee, and the faint chirps of songbirds outside. Kate took several deep breaths to calm her nerves, but it didn't matter that nobody was looking; in such ordinary silence, it felt like a spotlight was on her and it wasn't fair! She felt exposed and vulnerable, like an actor that had forgotten their lines and been caught literally with their pants down.

Part of her denied what was happening. She was physically strong! She could do pullups! Pushups! Climb and jump! If she could do all those things, surely she could last past breakfast? Surely, she could get out of this! Find a private place alone, at least? Her head swiveled around, locating a couch in the living room. Behind there, maybe? If she couldn't use a potty, at least she could have that bit of privacy? So she doesn't disturb her breakfast?

She wiggled and squirmed, watching Marie eat bite after bite, feeling failure creeping closer and closer. It hurt in a strange way, to be stuck like this and unable to do anything about it. She wanted to be hugged and told it would be okay! For once, she wanted to be anywhere other than right there in that moment--about to fill her diapers cradled in this stranger's lap. While she casually ate breakfast. Oh god.

She pleaded to whatever God was out there to help her. But terror, surprise, disbelief, and finally shame flooded her brain as her body failed her. The only saving grace was that it was over quickly, and to her relief she wasn't in any danger of leaking. Whimpering, her cheeks hot and watering eyes shut tight, she hugged Blue Bear tightly while waiting for breakfast to wrap-up.

The time stretched on for what felt like forever, and the cruel irony of the whole experience was not lost on her. Here she was in what was arguably the middle of her wildest fantasies, yet she felt ashamed her body had actually failed her, denied that she was actually sitting smack in the middle of it, and sobbed with anxiety at the terrifying thought that maybe the one person that had told her it would be okay had given her a white lie? That maybe she actually hated it? Or that she might change her mind, decide then-and-there that adoption wasn't for her? And now Kate felt angry--angry at herself for choosing this situation, picking this crazy fantasy over her miserable-but-at-least-comfortable life on Earth, for leaving all of that behind.

Every bounce in Marie's footsteps made it worse as she was carried upstairs and gingerly laid down. Kate whimpered and cried behind a pacifier that made it into her mouth at some point, as she was swiftly wiped clean. Carried into the bathroom, she anxiously watched her caretaker's face for signs of disapproval, anger, disgust, or rejection as the tub slowly filled with warm water.

But she only could discern a kind of sad sympathy. Pity, maybe, at worst? And as Kate was gently lowered into the warm bath water, her fears began to slowly melt away.

"Normally we'd give you a bath in the evenings," Marie cooed, gently massaging shampoo into her scalp, "But for your first morning here, we figured a bath would feel really good after so long, you know?" Kate sniffled and stared up to her, slowly becoming aware of the water toys suction-cupped to the walls of the tub and floating around her. The strawberry scent of the suds clinging to her skin.

She was okay. She was okay!

A warmth began to fill her heart. She felt grateful. So incredibly grateful.

Here was this gigantic being in front of her, stooping down to her level and ... bathing her. After cleaning her in the most intimate and unclean of places, at who-knows-when in the morning, on her one day off work. For her.

But it's possible to feel grateful and yet still afraid to lose what you have. Kate wondered how much longer they had together. How much longer would she see her in the morning? She had to return to work soon, make a living to support all this. Suddenly Kate regretted having asked to go to daycare on her preference form.

"Don't you have t--" Kate shut her eyes as Marie poured a bucketful of warm water over her head.

"Hush now." Her voice was soft and delicate, but it was cool and firm.

Kate was left blubbering and splashing in the warm soapy water, irked that she wouldn't even listen to her. She just didn't want to be left alone again! And she wouldn't even let her tell her!

Marie chuckled. "You're an easy read, you know that?" Kate pouted and pretended to play with a ducky floating by, hoping to avoid another bucket over her head.

"...will need to learn to accept and speak her needs..." she recited, "I think they pegged you more accurately than you even realize, Kate."

Another bucket of water startled her, as she lost track of the ducky. "Hey...!" Irony apparently tasted like strawberry-scented soap suds.

Marie giggled, "Sorry, was too hard not to!"

"I'm s..." she paused as Marie raised an eyebrow at her, and sighed. "Thank you. It's hard to...to accept all this. Even now I...I feel so...indebted...and at the same time terrified it'll all just go away. Like I'm taking on something I'll never be able to repay, and at any instant it could all just vanish in my hands and...and leave me with nothing!...It doesn't matter that I wanted to be here and you wanted...me...It's all just--"

Marie gently took her cheek in her warm hands, "I believe you, we believe you, Kate. And we know you've got this. It'll be hard, we all know that. But you don't have to do that lifting on your own" She unplugged the tub, and as the water finished draining offered a warm fluffy towel, "Let us begin to help you, Kate."

Warm and swaddled, Kate quietly lay her head down across Marie's shoulder. Rubbing the small of her back and rocking gently back and forth, together they breathed softly in the warm fog. But as they quietly turned to leave, Kate's eyes widened and she spoke up.

"Wait...I want to see."

Shivering in the cool humid air, Kate carefully stepped forward as she was unwrapped and set down on the vanity. She started to wipe away the layer of fog on the mirror, slowly revealing hints of her naked now-hairless body. But unable to lift her arms, her face and shoulders remained obscured from view, and she looked up to Marie. Understanding her pleas, with one circular wipe she revealed her new body to her.

Her slack-jawed face was...Well, it wasn't exactly chubby. But it was definitely more feminine, and younger. This vulnerable and soft image of her frame stood in stark contrast to the toned strength and hardness she'd worn for so many years. She knew that underneath it was all still there, ready when she needed it, but now...It was like she was finally wearing what had been hiding inside her all along for the whole world to see. It suit her, it suit this new place in this family. Her family...

Despite the other-worldly circumstances, for the first time in her life it all felt...normal. There was nothing to hide anymore. Nothing to hide from. She turned back around to her adoptive mother, sniffling but smiling.

"Something wrong?"

Kate gently shook her head, 'no' as Marie gently wiped the corners of her eyes and pulled her into a damp hug.

"I'm me...I'm home."