Description
This story is a fan-fiction of the Diaper Dimension universe, heavily inspired by the story "Done Adulting" by Alex Bridges. I wondered what the story might have been like, had the applicant been a married trans woman, rather than single, and if she had already her mind set on being a Little rather than being completely oblivious to what she was getting into.
CONTENT WARNING:
While this story is meant to be a sweet and sentimental story, it can be very raw and includes the themes of:
Family trauma / Rejection
Divorce / Separation
Questioning Reality / Derealization
Existential horror
Chapter 1: The Confession
"So, you are currently married, Kate, is that correct?" Ms Clarke leaned back into her office chair, tilting her head and putting on a professional smile as her client delayed responding. Now was time for the meat of the interview. Shifting uncomfortably, the meek woman attempted to hide in the squeaky chair across her desk.
"Y--Yes. Yes I still am, as it says on the form." Kate kept her eyes glued to the colorful office carpet, despondent yet nervous.
"So how has he taken it? I can see here that you are applying for adoption in Tulna alone?"
Ms Clarke watched as she squeezed her arm nervously. This wasn't her first married client--as rare as they were--and she recognized that look of guilt and fear well enough. But, she had to ask.
"You aren't in danger, are you Kate? That's not why you're here, is it?"
"N-no!" Kate recoiled, like she'd ladled disgusting slop onto her lunch tray. "He'd never!"
"No worries, dear, just had to ask. So, tell me about your husband. And most importantly, you."
Kate let out a long breath and began, "So we love each other, I want to make that clear. Crystal clear...He's the best man I've ever known." She looked across the desk for approval before continuing.
"We've been together since ... well, far before the portals opened. We met over the silliest things in college, really" she smiled gently, "Gosh we were so different then. I was so different then. So closed up...
"College was an escape. My family, they...when they found out I was what was called an 'abdl' back then..." Her face darkened as her gaze wandered to the floor, "...they thought I was a p...a ped..."--her voice became sharp, angry--"...a freak. An addict. A criminal."
"But all I wanted was to be treated like a kid again. Play, be loved. Held. It wasn't even a sexual feeling, it was just...But all they saw was a freak that needed to be cured, when what I most needed was their love and understanding. The brainwashing nearly destroyed me, or...well, I nearly did that to myself."
Kate closed her eyes and exhaled. "So when I left for college, I had a chance to find that love and understanding I desperately needed. To heal. And I met him, Bryce." She sat up and smoothed out her skirt, her smile warm but eyes sad.
"He accepted my 'little' side, helped me feel loved, helped me begin to heal and discover myself--I even transitioned! There was only so much we--I--could do, but with therapy and time, eventually I learned to recognize the abuse I grew up with and to find small ways to carve out a portion of this world for myself and heal. I learned how to keep all pieces of myself...happy!...And we began to build our lives together."
"Mmhmm, mmhmm," Ms Clarke nodded and shuffled through the papers, "You wrote in here about getting your depression and anxiety under control for quite some time after all that...Got into calisthenics...Opened up more at home...Stopped medication, aside from hormones?"
"Yeah! It was still challenging but the strategy was simple: dig as much into what I could do, and accept the rest was just fantasy. For example, there was no playground I could play on as an adult--but, I could exercise on gym monkeybars, climb things, run and skip. And sometimes we could go to water parks for the rest, like slides! And at home, we could enact private scenes together...and while there were some boundaries we couldn't cross, like diaper changes, I felt grateful he did so much despite not being into any of it himself."
Ms Clarke leaned forward thoughtfully, curious and admittedly a bit surprised. Her married clients usually had clear issues, abuse, and the Little was already on their way out the door. But this couple...there were no obvious problems.
"But I thought," Kate continued, "I thought I could tolerate, live, a life like this. And for a long time, I did. I even got off my meds! I was so proud of how far I'd come, how much I'd grown."
"But then the portals appeared?"
"Right..." She stared off into the distance, caught in a memory. "I didn't believe it. I thought it was some alternate reality art experiment...or prank...or...anything but real. I stuck my head in the sand and pretended, insisted, that it was all still fantasy. But...news websites reported on it, tourist flyers appeared in the mail...
"I saw an interview, some Big's take on an attempted kidnapping in Itali. She dwarfed the Little in her arms, towered over the earth reporter, and...in the background there was...a playground, bustling with Littles and Bigs sharing their lives together and...It finally all crashed over me.
"And suddenly, " Kate returned her gaze to Ms Clarke, "Suddenly I couldn't cope anymore. My life felt like fantasy! I was kidding myself, thinking that exercising on black monkeybars in a cold gray gym blasting 'bang me' music was anything like a playground when the real thing was actually right fucking there, in plain sight!"
Ms. Clarke nodded solemnly, like a priest at confession. She hadn't lost touch with how difficult admitting these truths were to her clients. The bombshell was about to drop.
Kate held her head in her arms, and took several breaths. "And worst of all...I began to feel like I was kidding myself thinking that what we had built together would really keep me happy. Why...why pretend when...? But...We'd worked so hard at this together, for so long. I tried to push through it, I denied things had changed, even as I saw the hesitation and fear in his eyes, even as I felt like a freak, even as I returned to meds. Again."
Sitting up with watery eyes gazing to the ceiling, to the sky beyond it, Kate continued.
"I've felt just so awful for so long now! I can't maintain this facade anymore. We have a life together, and I'm so so SO grateful for all of that! But I can't ... I can't pretend it's not killing me inside...! The moment I realized I could actually...live...that life," she gestured at the photographs adorning the office, "I couldn't picture my life here anymore...I couldn't picture our life together a-anymore."
At that, Kate lost her composure and hiccups escaped her trembling lips. Ms Clarke pushed a box of tissues forward and sighed.
On the walls behind her desk were photographs of scenery in Tulna. Cobblestone streets, shops, and parks all bustling with people from all walks of life--commuters on bikes, college students, retirees, parents. It would have been easy to mistake the scenery for any other European college town, were it not for the portraits of happy adoptees and their 13-foot-tall parents.
"And here I am", she continued, wiping her eyes and sniffling, "and I don't even know if I even qualify for any of this. And you probably think I'm some freak for being here, some fetishist and entitled...bitch...for wanting to leave my...my...I mean, it's not perfect, but it's a lot better than most. I have a great job, we've loved each other for so long, we've been a team through thick and thin, and I've coped before so why not just soldier through and cope some more, right? I must look like the most untitled...most ungrateful...bitch...to leave this life behind and choose to live with ...with monsters ... all for some ...some fetishistic kick?"
"Kate" shaking, she raised her bloodshot eyes, "do you really feel that way? That these people are monsters? That this is all just some fetish?"
Kate sniffled and wiped her face on her sleeves.
"N...No. I just...that's how it's got to look to everyone else, right? You SEE the kidnappings, you KNOW what the...what their kind have done in the non-Alliance countries. It's horrible. And then there's all these people that get their kicks wearing diapers here...and I...it's no fault to them, and I've been around that community enough to know they're all such ... such awesome and caring people...But...But even before the portals I knew that's not what most people saw. They saw fucking p--...fucking freaks. And here I am wanting to live that life, in that world, to leave all this behind.
"So it doesn't matter if they're an Alliance country. It doesn't matter what good they do...It doesn't matter how I feel, it doesn't that it has always been more than just some fucking kick to me...I'm just...I'm just a monster to everyone else. I'm a greedy, selfish, undeserving monster."
Ms Clarke let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding in, and Kate settled back into her chair, exhausted. Now she understood why maybe these clients were so rare; they had to take a leap of faith, at the cost of uprooting not just their lives but their families, at a time when living life as a Little was synonymous with slavery for many. But not all. It wasn't as black and white as Kate believed, especially not in places like Tulna.
"Kate," she walked around her desk and knelt in front of her "You are very brave for coming here, okay?" She laid her hand gently on her shoulder "And you are not a monster. Can you believe that for me?"
Kate nodded her head and brushed the hair out of her face.
"Would you like a hug, Kate?"
"Yes"
And for a moment the two stood embracing. Gradually, the outside world slowly washed in as Kate's breathing returned to normal, filling their ears with muffled voices, ringing phones, shuffling papers and footsteps. Song birds outside the window, chirping their repetitive soothing songs, were joined by bike bells and pre-recorded messages on bus transit.
Delicately, they separated and returned to their places at the desk.
"So, have your husband and you stayed together? You haven't divorced yet, is that correct?"
"Yes...We weren't sure what to do. We didn't want to separate in case I didn't qualify."
"But it sounds to me like he is willing to let you go?"
Kate nodded bitterly, "Yes."
"Staying together for now was a smart and completely understandable decision, Kate. But, you are correct about the terms of adoption; eventually, you will need to separate--at least legally. Mind you, this is true regardless of him joining you in Tulna or not, say as an independent Little. Has he considered that possibility, or--?"
"No. No, he...He has wanted only to visit at most; he couldn't move on if he knew I was around the corner like that."
"Understandable. In that case, we won't need him to come in for a citizenship interview unless he changes his mind. For now, just know we'll evaluate your application under the assumption that you are each living independently; with him in possession of your home or renting alone. You should discuss this together, but as this would be a big change for the both of you, we do recommend waiting until the decision is made before you take those big steps together, okay?"
Kate simply nodded, internally feeling equal amounts dread and relief.
"But," she continued, leaning forwards, "if you are accepted please be aware it will be contingent on your separation. Staying together, legally-speaking, presents too many issues both here and in Tulna with the adoption process. We have a legal team that will help you draft the petition terms, however you will both need to agree to and enact them before this can proceed any further. No Adoption Preferences forms, no listing, no nothing until that is completed. Is that understood?"
"Yes."
The rest of the interview concluded question-answer style about mundane details such as housing, loans, etc. Kate had been relatively responsible (and admittedly lucky) financially; software paid well, and living together split living expenses; any debts she'd had had been paid off years ago. Before they wrapped up, Ms Clarke asked if she had any more questions.
"Yeah...uhm...I wanted to know...I often hear lots of Littles end up becoming a bit more sedentary and such...with being carried around and all that...? While I started exercise here and have kept it up mostly, I...It'd feel good if I could take that with me. Continue at it? Will the Bigs allow that?"
"I can't make any guarantees, Kate, the interpretation of your target age would be up to the adoptive Big or Bigs. But, I can make a special note for you in your file. There are certainly Bigs out there as active as you, and it's not unheard of to enroll in parent-child gymnastics classes together."
"Thanks, I would love that." Kate stood up. "And...thank you. Sorry for the blubbering and all that I...Just, thank you for taking the time to meet with me and...listen to me."
Ms Clarke extended her hand and Kate shook it, "The pleasure is mine, no need to feel sorry. This is an emotional time, and you're not the first to find their feelings bubbling to the surface in my office. You'll expect to hear from us in a few weeks, up to a month. Until then, take care, Kate."
And with that, her client turned and left. After a breath and sip of coffee, she took notes on their meeting:
Kate is a very physically active, smart, and highly-functioning but anxious girl in her 30s...history of depression, anxiety, and complex PTSD...controlled with medication and exercise...but likely lingering attachment issues and trauma from her upbringing...trans, could benefit from medical interventions...admits to already acting on Little feelings...adamantly not a fetishist...anticipate adapting quickly...must separate from her husband...will be difficult for them, but he supports her decision...would pair best with a supportive, active couple...learn to listen to her own needs...overall excellent candidate, will make their lucky Big(s) feel very happy and loved.
===============
"Hellooo?" Kate called out, as she hung up her coat and removed her shoes.
Silently, Bryce appeared in the doorway. "Hey"
"Hey..."
Like the moment before separating at a train station, they both stood there for what felt like an eternity. Finally, Kate spoke up.
"I'm sorry, I--"
He interrupted Kate with a hug. "I love you so much, Kate. I...I..."
"M-Me too..!...B-B-Bry--"
And together they embraced, crying in each other's arms. They were at the station now, waiting for the train to come. It didn't matter that this train could be cancelled, or delayed, there would always be another behind it. And for the first time, it felt like they could finally acknowledge it--for the first time, they could finally begin to say goodbye.