Chapter 2: Like a Bird

"And over here, you have the bathroom..." Kate and Bryce snickered as the realtor showed off a small tiled room. Overall the apartment wasn't bad, and their hopes were high that this would finally be the one; groceries nearby, close to transit, within budget. But, both of them had to admit: the bathroom wouldn't see much use, at least from Kate. Maybe she could christen it at least once before she left, but he doubted she'd try. Or even have the chance.

"So, what do you think? For a first home, it's not the most spacious but..!" the realtor clapped her hands together, "I think you'll find it will suit you well..."

Bryce cleared his throat, awkwardly hanging his hands by his pockets. "Uhm, yeah. It'll be great!" He put on a cheesy grin.

Neither of them felt the need to correct and explain to her the circumstances of their downsizing; better to play along, let them think whatever they wanted. Whatever got them the apartment. Whatever wrapped up the conditions of separation.

It had been nearly three months since the decision came in: Accepted, but contingent on fulfilling the terms of the divorce. Which meant, of course, that Kate couldn't be on the mortgage. So they were downsizing and moving somewhere closer to his work. Otherwise, aside from moving her to a separate bank account, it had been surprisingly straight-forward to fulfill all the other terms with the agency's legal assistance.

But, until they had her off the mortgage, nothing could proceed further; no preference questionnaire, no listing process, no prospective Bigs. And unfortunately, both of them still had to work to support themselves, so the house-hunting was slow. Time just flew by.

Fortunately their feelings had dullened and gotten easier since that first meeting. But it still hurt. Bryce couldn't help feeling bitter at times--even angry--knowing that--as much as they looked forward to being done with the drudgery of house hunting--every viewing represented one step closer to that final end. Is this how it felt to watch a loved one die of some incurable cancer?

But cancer wasn't elective. And she wouldn't die, at least not physically. The feelings were complex, nuanced, and both of them knew it.

"I think it's great." piped Kate. "Lots of space for your workshop, a balcony for a garden, and a very small commute to your workplace!"

There was a sad kind of hope in her sky-blue eyes; hopeful the search might finally end, but sad that it meant closing another door behind them. Bryce drew a weak smile in the corners of his pursed lips.

"Awwwh, and this is why I love working with newly-weds! There's just something about finding your first home together..." Beaming, the realtor offered them a hug, and awkwardly Kate and Bryce welcomed the embrace. Kate hiccuped.

"We'd like to make an offer," Bryce spoke up, "And could we have a minute together?"

"Of course! I'll start the process for you, and barring no other bids we can wrap it up at our offices this afternoon?"

"Yeah...sure...here's hoping..!" He made a show of feigned cavalry, an 'oh golly gee' gesture with his arms.

The realtor left, leaving Bryce and Kate alone in the cold, empty apartment. There was a beat after the door clicked shut before Bryce spoke up.

"This could be it"

"It could"

Kate was staring out the window, watching the street below. She sighed. "It's so high up. Just a floor but...it's so high."

Bryce approached from behind and pulled her into his arms. "You know you can always pull out, right? If it scares you...if you change your mind...They...Remember, they said you can say 'no' at the last possible moment? Before th--"

"I know."

They stood there in silence for a minute, listening to the streets below. Children biking down the pavement, the high-pitched whirr of the streetcar speeding off in the distance, Jackdaws teasing each other. The outside world felt eerily normal and oblivious to the inner conflict held in their hearts.

"I'll miss you...I'll miss...this" he stammered. "I wish..." But he didn't finish it. Not out-loud. Wishing the portals had never come to exist was folly. It didn't need to be said, both of them knew that.

Their coats rustled as Kate turned around and hugged him tight, silent and shaking. But he felt like he should say something. Like he should tell her it was all just a bad idea, demand she pull the plug and stop but...He couldn't. That ship had sailed. Had been constructed before he met her, had unmoored the moment the world had changed.

It was unfair. Just, so unfair. And he felt so helpless.

Sniffling and wiping his eyes, he gave her a quick squeeze. "We should probably get going."

"Y-Yeah..."

==================

"Welcome back Kate, and welcome Bryce! Please take a seat"

The couple shuffled into Ms. Clarke's office and set their jackets on a pair of chairs. Bryce stared intently at the photographs of Tulna, feeling a mix of curiosity and jealousy.

"Looks a lot like here, reminds me of the park downtown just...more kid friendly." It was bewildering how earth-shatteringly mundane the place looked, yet held such a hold on his...well at least legally, ex wife.

"In many ways, it is," explained Ms Clarke, "And in their world, Tulna is an ideal place to raise a child if you're a Big. Their social welfare and educational institutions surpass ours in many ways."

"Hm" Indignantly, he sat down with Kate.

"So," she began, "Today we will go through the Adoption Preferences form together, Kate will sign the Adoption Availability Contract, and she'll become officially listed in the Tulna adoption network.

"As a reminder, this is not an official Adoption Agreement; you are only sharing your preference data and indicating that you are available for adoption. The actual adoption contract will be signed by you and your Bigs once all agree to the match, and you will personally finalize it before you cross over. In other words, while you are on Earth and until that contract has all your signatures, you retain all legal rights of an adult and can back out at any point. Is that clear?"

They nodded along, Bryce wondering if--while unlikely--there was still some awful convoluted way these Amazons could leave Kate stateless for whatever convoluted reason. At least it seemed tight so far.

"And finally, strictly legally speaking, your preferences are not a binding contract in-and-of-itself, BUT--" she paused, noticing the couple taken aback, "This does not mean that in-practice a Big can or will disrespect your preferences and do whatever they want!"

"Bullshit," thought Bryce. "They absolutely could do whatever they wanted to his ... wife." Kate looked concerned as well, but was listening intently.

"We screen carefully, do the best to match you with compatible Bigs, and follow up on your adoption throughout the entire ten-year period. Finally, if necessary, we have the legal leverage to pull you out if we absolutely have to; after all, failure to provide duty of care voids your Adoption Agreement. However, in all agencies across Tulna (including ours) such a thing has rarely ever been necessary; it has only been needed in extreme cases such as death or disability of a Big, with no suitable guardians available."

"But what, " spoke up Bryce, "prevents one of them from doing something irreversible before it's too late?" Kate gave him a concerned side-eye.

"Littles Protection Services. The laws and culture of Tulna. Our screening process. I hear your concerns, Bryce, and you are right: at the end of the day, if a Big wants to do something to you they absolutely have the physical capability to do so. Kate, you, me, we would all be absolutely powerless to being swept off our feet at the whim of such a Big in a non-Alliance country. And those thoughts are scary to have!"

He rolled his eyes but continued listening.

"But the same could be said of your average babysitter. School teacher. Or relatives. There are always risks, and the best thing we can do is to minimize them. Tulna--like Itali and others--is one of the safest places to be as a Little. And adoption itself is a rigorous process, far more-so than your average nanny or job applicant here. What you're left with is, generally-speaking, the cream of the crop. Such cases are exceedingly rare amongst all Alliance countries combined, so rare, in fact, you would be more likely to be struck by lightning on Earth than end up in a bad adoption there."

Bryce sighed. He didn't like that the possibility still existed, but he had to admit it was closest to zero as he could get. Part of him felt ashamed feeling this way and dragging his wife along for the ride.

Kate gently lay her hand on his arm, and spoke, her voice steady. "I'll be okay, Bryce. I've got this." She exuded warmth and confidence, and all at once it felt so silly she should be more at-peace with this than him. After all, she was the one jumping into the flames here!

"I'm...sorry, Ms Clarke. Thank you for your patience with me, I was just afraid."

"It's okay, Bryce," she smiled, "I get these questions all the time, frankly I'm happy to see such a thoughtful and protective husband like you trying to protect Kate. She's lucky to have you."

Bryce blushed and squeezed Kate's arm.

"So, once you have okayed the form, we'll take your photo and you will be officially available to Bigs on the other side. Any more questions?"

"Uhm, I have one...How long will that... take, once in the system?" Kate stammered.

"Usually a few weeks, but rarely it has taken months. Generally we get requests within a few days or even hours; the bulk of the time is coordinating interviews and conducting screenings. There's no rush once you are matched, by the way -- the timetable is up to you, and the Bigs don't mind the time to prepare before your arrival."

She turned around and pulled a tablet off a charging port behind her desk, "Anything else, before we begin?"

"No"

"No"

She slid it across the desk. "Then I'll leave you two with this. I'm going to give you a bit of privacy as you start, while I go and grab a coffee. Would any of you like something? We have coffee, tea, juice, sparkling water..."

"Coffee sounds nice."
"Me too, thanks."

Once the door was closed, Bryce rubbed Kate's shivering arms as she pulled the tablet into her lap. "You cold?"

"No...just...Having this in front of me feels so..." Kate let out a sigh and closed her eyes for a brief moment, "Alright, let's do this."

Kate was relatively confident with most of her responses, though there were a few that disgusted and terrified both of them. The fact that removing teeth was even an option was very strange, though unsurprising considering she was fine with babying her speech patterns and voice.

However, the real terror was the possibility of having her memories erased and physical/mental abilities taken away; they both made sure to double-check their responses on those questions. Kate wanted to experience and remember her second childhood, not forget it like the first one. But most of all, she didn't want to forget Bryce and he didn't want to forget her; however their separation ended, both cherished the life they had experienced together.

Of course, there were plenty of other non-negotiables specific to Kate. She wanted to retain her name, for example; she had literally picked it herself during her transition years ago. She wanted to live in an area with playgrounds, and make friends. She wanted a mother, maybe a father, but definitely not an authoritarian family like the one she grew up with. Ideally they'd be active like her, but not in the religious way. And aside from sounding and looking like a toddler, Kate wanted to keep her physical and mental abilities...And teeth.

The rest of the form, the Adoption Availability Contract, was as Ms. Clarke had described; it emphasized that it was not an Adoption Contract, that the agency would do what they could to match preferences (especially non-negotiable ones) to Bigs, but that ultimately Kate would only retain the rights of a minor in Tulna and therefore many of her preferences could be subject to interpretation. When they were finally done, they handed Ms. Clarke the tablet.

"Excellent, I see you've agreed to the contract and completed the forms, so all we need now is your photograph and then you're free to go! If you'll follow me..."

They followed Ms Clarke down the hall to a small photography studio, setup with a simple (but childish) colored backdrop curtain.

"This is so cute!" Kate bubbled.

"This looks like Photography Day at elementary school..." Bryce eyed a few gigantic stuffies sitting just out of frame. "And those look like they're literally from an elementary school."

"It all is, in fact! From Tulna. A local school donated them to the agency in favor of some newer equipment. It's old by their standards, but to us, this is top of the line!"

"Can I uhm...do something to my hair?" Kate was giggling.

"Sure, dear! However you want to appear to the Bigs". Bryce raised an eyebrow.

She reappeared a minute later with her hair in pigtails. Loosely done, no braids (hadn't learnt it growing up as a 'boy'), it looked like what a little girl might have done to her doll. But it was perfect.

"Oh, you are precious, they'll love that!" Ms Clarke clapped her hands, but Bryce went silent. Kate usually wore her hair in pigtails when feeling little, but now...now it felt different. For once, they weren't meant to be seen by him. He put on a fake smile.

"Peeeeas!"

The camera clicked and flashed, and the clock officially started to tick.

==================

"I can't believe all the crap I have!" Kate grunted, carrying a heavy box through the doorway. "Why can't they just...ugh...take this off our hands while we wait?"

"Because you have to live somewhere until...until then. Sucks the trust won't let you donate anything at least..." Bryce felt exhausted; between moving, fitting-in spontaneous trips to local bucket-list places, and looming adoption, he wasn't sure which drained him the most. He suspected, honestly, that it was all the above and more.

He sighed and helped his ex-wife bring in more boxes. Part of him felt mean, sometimes. Wanted to let her handle it all herself, let her make the bed she'd decided to lie in. And he knew she absolutely would have, the ironically independent soul she was.

But, he still loved her and those were just...moments. And boxes are heavy; the last thing he wanted was her bed-bound and writhing from back pain the last few weeks (or days?) she had left on Earth. He found himself getting lost in the memory of the compassion she'd shown him, caring for him until he could walk again. Kate's prattling brought him back to the present.

"I really liked the beach, even if it was cold this time of year..." Kate was sweeping up sand that had worked its way into the crevices of everything they owned, "But damn, this sand just... gets... everywhere..."

Bryce smiled warmly, thinking back on all those spontaneous trips. Sunshine or rain didn't make any difference to her; Kate had even stood out in the rain one evening staring at the stars, soaked and shivering, but wide-eyed and smiling brilliantly as the moon on a clear evening.

But what he really enjoyed, and what he'd most missed from her before the portals, was seeing her inner child -- her inner joy -- come spilling out. She was so giddy at times, skipping and hopping, and running literal circles around him as they walked around town and visited the beach. Ordering her favorite treat, hazelnut ice cream, oblivious to the cold or to the calorie count. Rolling down muddy, cold, grassy hills. Happy. Truly, and utterly happy.

But other times, she was sad. One evening, they were heading downtown together for dinner. It was a fancy place next to a historical site; the kind of place they'd put off for years. Naturally, they had been looking forward to it all day. But as she'd pulled out her bike, there was a pause--and for a moment she didn't want to go.

"I'm...I'm not going to be able to run off like this into town anymore...drink 'big' stuff, alcohol...wander around at night...I'll be a minor again, I'll...I'll never be allowed on my own again. And I'll never have dates like these again with y...with you...Wi--"

And so they'd stood there together, embracing, shivering, until their noses ran colder than the bad feelings and the restaurant sounded great again. It had turned out to be a fantastic evening, by the way; they'd shared a modest bottle of house red, and staggered home giggling like a young couple again.

Ups and downs. This whole experience had been a rollercoaster, and he felt both relief and sadness the ride would soon be over. It was amazing what they'd fit into the month since that last meeting, but whenever the call came in, both of them agreed on one thing: they wanted off this ride, no need to delay more than necessary. And now he wanted a drink.

"Water?" He stood up and made his way to the small kitchen.

"Sure! Thank you..."

She followed him to the kitchen and he offered her a glass while pouring his own. Bringing it up to her lips, she paused, and looked at him.

"Cheers on moving in?" she smiled.

"Cheers"

Their glasses clinked and she brought the cup up to her face, using both hands. He hadn't noticed it until now, how childish it looked. But when he thought back on it, she'd always been that way, for as long as he could remember.

"I kinda wonder how heavy those glasses would be there..." he blurted out, unintentionally speaking his thoughts, "...could you even lift them?"

She tilted her head, thoughtful for a second. "I dunno...But I bet I could!" She flexed in an exaggerated and goofy manner, gritting her teeth like a horse.

"You'll have to report back to me on that!"

"Haha, yeah, I'll be sure to do that--assuming they even let me hold one!"

They laughed and sat down on the couch, settling on some goofy comedy they'd never heard of. Kate kept hopping to the floor and stretching or doing pushups.

"You know you'll be conked out for several months before you wake up, right?"

"Yeah, but...I wanna be ready anyway. Who knows? Maybe their nanites prevent atrophy and stiffness while under?" She resumed stretching, and Bryce sighed. As she bent over, suddenly he had an idea.

"Come up here, miss pottypants"

Kate blushed "Wait? What did--? N--N...What?"

"I said, 'come up here, miss pottypants'" he tried to hold his best "Dad" expression.

"No!" she feigned brattiness, sticking out her tongue, but it faded into a frown "Sorry, if I smell or anything...I'll go take care of it..." She stood up and started to leave.

He felt a pit of regret open up in his heart. Little things like this had meant so much to her, but over the years it had become this kind of openly-hidden shame. He wondered if things might have been different but...No. These moments, he wanted to make them his. They were the last, and dammit he was going to live them with her on his own terms; damn the regret, damn the sadness, damn the inevitability of it all, damn the Amazons.

"Nuh-uh, silly! Somebody hasn't changed since lunch, and you're sorely in need of one..."

She turned and faced him. "Wait...You...you're serious?"

"Yeah, I'm serious, why wouldn't I be?"

Her face scrunched up processing it, and she went quiet, "But...but why now...why...It's been so..."

"Come along now, let's not leak..." He stood up and took her by the arm. She quietly complied, and lay on her makeshift changing mat in the bedroom.

"Where do you..."

"In that box, over there..."

She stared up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "Time sure did fly by, didn't it?"

"Like a bird, yeah. Raise your legs?"

She lifted her bottom off the floor, "Like a bird?"

Bryce thought for a moment, as he untaped her and gingerly wiped her down. It had been ages since they'd done this, since before her transition. Years. Even after surgery took the dysphoria away. Even after the portals opened.

"Time...I guess it's like how birds fade into the background noise, you know? You take it for granted, but sometimes if you listen you notice it--usually only once it has gone. But if you take a moment and really pay attention you can spot it here or there on the branches for a split second, even if you could never really catch up with it. Never really look close enough, except from far away with binoculars."

Kate squirmed as he pulled the fresh diaper between her legs, and giggled. "That's...Hehehe, wow, I've never taken you for a poet before."

"Yeah." he silently finished taping her up. It was a colorful knockoff kind adapted from the other dimension, with human-friendly tapes. Not as nice as an import, but still decent.

Kate sat up and sighed. "Thank you."

"Had to give it at least one try before you go"

"Will you call me after I'm gone?"

Bryce hadn't exactly dreaded that question, but it wasn't pleasant to think about. He was afraid she'd be too different. Or worse. "Yes, I will try"

"Love you"

"You too"

And as if on cue, Kate's phone rang. Pale as a ghost, she fumbled the phone before answering.

Their names were Jon and Marie Andersson.

=========================

"I hear their versions of "dogs" are cuddlier versions of our bears here."

"I'd say that's terrifying, but you seem to have a hang of it."

Kate lay on a gurney in a paper gown, her clothes and velcro shoes in a bag. Stripped of her clothes, stripped of her possessions--all except for a blue teddy bear that she held close to her chest. She smiled, her lips trembling and corners of her eyes glistening.

Ms Clarke and Bryce sat next to her, all of them huddled in a clinical-feeling room a few floors away from her office. The mood was somber and joyous all at once in that section of the building, tears of grief and joy mixing into a bittersweet soup. Occasionally another soon-to-be-Little and their case worker would walk by outside; it was always easy to pick out the plainclothes soon-to-be Littles, whether by their dress or just the way they walked nervously with their shoulders to their ears.

Or clinging to their last tokens of this world, like Kate with her bear.

"I'm going to ask you, Kate--one final, and last, time: Are you sure you want to proceed with this?" Like a teacher asking a pupil if they were really confident in their answer, Ms Clarke wore a serious expression with her eyes arched in expectation.

Meekly, but smoothly, Kate nodded. Ms Clarke held a clipboard and pen out for her.

"Then just sign here."

Taking a breath and looking longingly at her now-ex but forever lover, she choked "love you", before lowering her head and signing the final line of the Adoption Agreement.

Tears fell down his face as he took her free hand. "Me too"

"Okay" the caseworker stood up and smoothed down her blouse and pants "That's that. Would you like a moment of privacy before the anesthetist comes in?"

Her face was now straining, her dam of professionalism threatening to burst. She took pride in keeping an emotional distance from her clients throughout all steps of her cases; however, she was only human. Last tender moments like these never got easier no matter how many cases she put under her belt. If anything, they got harder.

The couple silently nodded, as she pressed a call button on her way out the door. It shut gently behind her, suddenly enveloping the room in startling quietness--the shuffling of footsteps, beeping of machines, and mumbling of soon-to-be Littles suddenly dampened to a dull gentle pressure. Kate and Bryce could now hear the distant hum of the ventilation, then the distant song of birds out the small window, and then finally their released breaths as they remembered to breathe.

They'd both expected more tears to appear at this point, but to their surprise nothing came for either of them. In the dull, dry silence they shared between their tired eyes, it felt like time had stopped. There was nothing either of them dared to say, for fear the illusion would shatter. It felt like hours as they gazed into each other, smiling bitterly with their eyes, having the kind of silent conversation punctuated only by breaths and blinks.

But it didn't last, their gaze broken by the click clacking of footsteps directly outside their door. A knock punctuated the silence, and the door opened.

"Hello? Kate and Bryce?" a woman in a long white coat let herself in, "Hi, I'll be helping you fall asleep today..."

A nurse filed in behind her, wheeling in some small equipment and a table of medicines and gadgets, as she confirmed personal details with Kate. Ms Clarke returned to the room, her eyes bloodshot but dry.

She cleared her throat, "Are you ready, Kate? Bryce?"--nodding at each of them--"Bear too?"

Kate gently bobbed her head, "He'll be with me, right? The whole way?"

"Yes. Absolutely! We'll take good, good care of him."

"Thanks...He...he means a lot to me," she looked up at her husband standing by her side, "...to us."

The bear certainly drew parallels with another large moment in her life, the morning before her surgery. Her husband couldn't be with her, due to pandemic protocols at the time, so he'd gotten her this blue fuzzy bear to hug whenever she thought of him. Blue bear was worn, but well-loved.

"Okay, I take it you've done this before?" the doctor spoke up and she laid out vials and plungers on the table.

"Yeah, " Kate chuckled nervously, "the anesthesia, at least." Machines beeped to life as electrodes were placed on her body, and tubes connected to the IV line on her wrist.

"Then you'll probably know what I'm about to tell you, but I'll repeat it for you one more time, okay?" Kate nodded, smiling and her eyes misty. She wanted to look brave, but everything she knew ended where the anesthesia began. Only her trust in the staff, (ex) husband, and faith in herself cushioned the burbling existential dread she felt in that very moment. But that's how adventure felt, wasn't it?

"You'll feel a cold sensation, I'll ask you to count down, and you'll fall asleep. When you wake up, you'll be with your adoptive parents in Tulna."

"Jon and Marie"

"Correct, " Ms Clarke spoke up, "And remember: you'll get a visit from us and call from your husband within a few months"

The anesthetist nodded, "Ready?"

Kate rolled her head and gave Ms Clarke a small smile. Then, she gazed up at her husband for what felt like the last time, her blue eyes shimmering with renewed hope and determination. He took her hand and gave her a squeeze, their fingers cold and but no-longer shaky.

"Ready."

Kate almost didn't feel the cold sensation as she counted down from 300. As the heavy darkness sat on her chest, the world faded away. Her hands soon fell limp, the dreamless dark finally overtook her mind. Bryce rubbed her hands one last time, as he watched the peaceful rise and fall of his wife's chest.

"She's not gone, she's not dead" Bryce thought, as the nurses raised her bedrails.

"She's just going to a different place," as the door whirred open.

"She's going to be happy," as he followed her gurney down the hall.

"She won't be alone," as the doors closed behind her, and he could follow no further.

"But I'll be--" Bryce stumbled into the wall for support, his thoughts exposed, the dams broken.

She was gone.

==========================================

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