Eighteen.
Madison Bell had her ring pop in her mouth for exactly fifteen seconds before she fell asleep on my shoulder. I played with the fluffy ends of her pigtails and listened to her soft, even breathing. That’s what happens when you fill up on sugar, I supposed.
The movie ended. I’d have to watch it again, because honestly, I had no idea what was going on. There was a llama that could talk, and some fat guy, and what I assumed was a witch. I didn’t move. I didn’t wake up Madison. I just wanted to let the night settle in around us. I wanted everything and anything to be jealous of how comfortable we were. I wanted it to last a lifetime.
I heard the front door open. Damnit.
“Jay?”
I shuffled out from under Madison’s cheek. She toppled sideways onto my bed and sat up even faster. Even through her half closed eyes, I could see her confusion. I patted the top of her head and whispered, “Lay back down, I’ll be right back.”
I shut my bedroom door behind me as quietly as I could. Mom noticed.
“Got a boy in there?” she asked.
“Madison fell asleep.”
“She’s not staying the night, is she?”
“No, Mom. I’m taking her home at ten.”
“She should drive herself around sometimes.”
“She gives me gas money. I don’t mind.”
“Don’t be taking too many handouts from that girl.”
“I don’t,” I lied.
She checked the thermostat even before she took off her work coat. I preempted her question.
“I turned it on when I got home for a few minutes to heat the place up. It hasn’t gone back down yet.”
“Lucky us,” my mom said, and went off to her room.
I snuck back into my bed with the lights out. Madison had taken my advice. I approached the bed so softly, so slowly, so afraid I would wake her up. Each muscle of my body ached as I lowered myself into the sheets beside her. I found a pillow and balled it up under my head, inching closer to the sleeping girl every minute or two.
An eternity later, every bit of me was only a pencil’s width from every bit of her. Our knees almost touched, our elbows, our foreheads… I could feel the heat fill up the space between us. This is what I needed: not a heater, but a girl. Madison.
I closed my eyes and prayed for the first time since I was a kid. I prayed for time to stop.
“I have a problem,” I told Polly.
“With Sunshine?”
“Uh, yes. With Sunshine.”
February had grown very cold very quickly. I was spending weekends at Polly’s again just so I could get some real sleep. Madison and I had been out of touch for a few days - things kept coming up. No Days for her. Snow shoveling for me. Most of my gas money came from shoveling snow, raking leaves, or mowing lawns. Every now and again I’d luck into house-sitting a dog or a cat or a plant.
“Was it weird?” Polly asked. “The kid stuff?”
“Well. Sort of.” I mean, weird as in: certainly not normal. Not weird as in: I wouldn’t do it again. “But that’s not the problem.”
“Okay, then what’s the problem?”
“I like her.”
Polly turned her head away from the TV and I watched my race car shoot past hers. That was the first time I beat Polly at that game.
“You like her? Like her, like her?”
“What is this, middle school? Yes. Like her, like her.”
Polly turned back to the TV, then back to me. I’d won first place. The victory music was playing. “I mean. Obviously. But. When? How?”
“On Monday.” I put the controller down. Polly’s was still firmly in her hands.
“Monday?! You waited all week to tell me this?!”
“I wasn’t sure.”
“But you’re sure now?” she asked.
I looked down at the bracelet she made me for Christmas. It had been a month, and still, I hadn’t taken it off. God help me… “Yes, I’m sure.”
“Tell me everything!”
So I told Polly everything. I told her about the trip to the gas station and about the movie. I told her about her pajamas and the juice bottle. I told her about the way her hair felt in my fingers and how warm she was when we weren’t even touching. I told her about wanting to kiss her.
“Am I crazy or something?” I asked, exhausted from the long-winded recount. I felt crazy.
“No, you aren’t crazy,” Polly assured me.
“Is she crazy?”
“Probably, but in a good way.”
I fell back on the sofa and covered my head with my arms. Everything felt uncertain and scary. It made me warm in a way I didn’t like feeling. So I admitted:
“I don’t know what to do…”
“Tell her how you feel?” But even before I could say anything, Polly already amended herself: “No, never mind, that’s a terrible idea.”
“How can I like her? She’s so annoying! She acts like a kid half the time and a zombie the other half! I don’t understand anything she does, most of the things she says… is this just a silly crush? Am I just lonely? What the hell?!”
“Hey, I called this months ago!”
I gave Polly a sour look. Was this real, then? Did I actually like Madison Bell? Ugh, I didn’t even know when I started tolerating her, let alone liking her! This was a disaster…
“What are you going to do?” Polly asked.
“Nothing,” I sighed. “There’s nothing to do. I’m still missing so many pieces to this puzzle, and maybe… maybe I’m seeing an incomplete picture. Maybe I’m feeling an incomplete feeling.”
“Maybe.” But Polly didn’t agree with me at all, that much was clear in her tone. Honestly, I barely agreed with me.
“I have to talk to her about this kid stuff,” I said. “I can’t put it together on my own anymore. I need her to help me.”
“Do you think she will?”
“She has to.” She just has to.