Jei’s Point of View
My iPod slips out of my hand, clattering to the floor as it rips the headphones out of my ears. The music stops, my heart stops, and Kent stops to stare at me in horror.
I see nothing but panic on his face; his normally dark complexion fades to paper-white. He found me out, and he was ashamed.
“I…”
Kent stuffs all of my… things back into the cab, slams it shut, and stands in front of it, protecting it all from sight.
“Jei, I… I’m so sorry. I—“
Hot tears stream down my face as I take a step back, still looking Kent right in the eyes. My mouth still hanging agape, I throw my hood over my head and make a beeline for the bus.
I want my bunk. I want to lock the curtain closed. I want my blankie…. I want…
I want…
I throw the bus door open and charge in. It looks like the only one in here was Rai; the others must still be wrapping up the meet-and-greet.
“Woooah, Jei-man, what’s wr—“
I dash past him through the living quarters and start yanking on the door to the bunk room in a panic. It’s locked, and now Rai is approaching me… This is way too much.
“Hey… Jei… What’s going—“
“DON’T….! Touch me…” I cry out as Rai puts his hand on my shoulder. I immediately crumble to the floor, a full-blown panic attack now setting in. I can’t do this.
“Woah, I uh… I’m sorry man. Do you, uh…need some time?”
I curl up into a fetal position against the door and whimper back “I’m s-sorry… I just need to get to my bunk.”
“Right, right… the driver locks it up when we’re not in there. Lemme grab the keys from the front.”
Rai returns and lets me in, offering me a hand back up.
“Jei? If you need to talk, you know I’m here. If you don’t want to talk, I can make myself distant. Okay, dude?”
“T-thank you Rai…”
I give Rai a long hug before disappearing into the dark room, shutting the door behind me. Finally, I’m safe… I climb down into my bottom bunk, zip and lock the curtain, strip off my clothes, and… weep.
I bury my face into my blankie to stifle my cries, but I can only imagine how loud my sniffs and coughs are. I need to get a hold of myself, like, right the hell now. This is obscene. I should have never brought those on the tour, I should have never started experimenting, I…
I SHOULDN’T BE SUCH A DAMN FREAK!
I throw my blankie off of me and kick my stuffie down to the edge of my bunk. I desperately plunge my hand into the crevice between the bunk and the wall, retrieving my old friend…
“I’m not coping like a damn freak anymore…” I whisper to myself in the darkness of my bunk.
I slide the blade open, the cold steel reflecting the lone glow of my phone.
“This is for everything, you fucking freak show.”
A line. And another line. Then another. And another. Four fresh wounds on my left tricep begin slowly flowing, the pain barely even registering at the moment. This will do fine… At least I’m feeling stable now.
I reach down again and pull out a small first aid kit I have stocked with cotton swabs and hydrogen peroxide. Applying a freezing, stinging application, I push down hard enough to stop the bleeding and gauze-wrap up all of my handiwork.
I give it a couple of guilt-smacks so I can remember the gravity of my mistake. Kent is never going to look at me the same way ever again. If he wasn’t on my direct payroll, he’d leave the tour this second. Regardless, I’ll probably need to find a new bass tech as soon as we get home.
What’s worse though is he’ll NEVER be able to see me as a potential romantic partner now. A fresh set of tears find my eyes as I lay staring at the top of my bunk. I allow my right hand to idly fidget with my knife, the urge to make my right arm match my left growing.
How could I be so stupid? Somehow, I had convinced myself that if I ‘needed’ anything, I could just go grab it from my cab and everything would fine, right? I was a dumbass to have thought that, and even more-so to think I needed to rely on fucking baby stuff to keep me stable. I can’t believe I allowed my therapist to convince me otherwise…
I want more than anything to reach down and grab my blankie to wrap up in, holding my snow leopard to my chest and never letting him go. I want it. I ne—…….
I…
Why am I this way?