It was night. The house was quiet, and the lights had long been turned off. Everyone was asleep but me.

I lay still, hugging my shark Alyosha, mind churning through the same loop it had a hundred times before. If I was making the right choices, why was I so lonely? If they were really my friends why haven’t we talked in months? I felt so numb.

“They’re busy” I’d say to myself. “They’re teachers who are overworked and underpaid. You know what it’s like to want to do things outside of teaching, but have no energy for it. You know the guilt that comes with wanting to be a better friend, but just not having the space for it.

But I care about them so much. Why won’t they even text? And I’d just hug Alyosha a little tighter. Is it because they don’t like me anymore? Am I just too much of a wreck? Too much trauma and anxiety in one…

That’s when I noticed the light. It looked like a reflection at first, but there were no lights on in the room. I was certain it wasn’t a reflection when it started getting closer. It just looked like a small soft glowing light. It looked warm somehow. It passed through the window illuminating the room suddenly in what seemed like firelight without the flickering.

For a few moments I just stared. What was it? Before the thought finished forming in my head, I heard the reply: “I’m one of your stars.” The voice was soft and light like velvet, even though it wasn’t said out loud. It was one of those voices that you felt could make things true, just by saying them.

One of my stars? I thought. What do you mean, ‘one of my stars’?

“Touch me and see” the voice invited. Hesitantly I reached out with my hand, slowly moving towards it. Without warning I was seeing my own classroom. Emma was asking me if they could go by Alex instead. I could feel how proud I was of them. I could see myself telling him that, and calling him Alex for the first time.

The scene disappeared. “Your stars are born out of your strongest feelings, whatever they are. Once those feelings are gone, we go to be apart of your constellation.”

My constellation? You mean there are more of them? As if on cue, other lights appeared by the first light. All of them were different colors. Some were similar to the first one. Others cast an eerie green, or a bright purple. Nearly every color was there.

Haltingly, I reached out to another one.

I was seven, and eager to impress. Grinning, I looked over to my mom to make sure she was watching, and dived backwards off the diving board. I hit the water, and then… something else. Someone else. Quickly I surfaced and looked around. A girl was there rubbing her head. A lifeguard was yelling. I felt so much shame boiling up in me, and then it was over– back to the present.

Curious, I ran my hand over a series of stars right in front of me. I was confronted with a flood of emotions. The Thrill My first kiss on the summit of Lost Pass mountain. The numbness of hearing my mother had cancer. The night my friends held me after drinking too much.

When my hand left the last one I could feel the path of tears that had run down my face. I stared at the stars wordlessly, looking at just how many of them there were.

“We’re your stars.” The voices came like a choir singing one note. As I looked at them I wondered: Why now?

“Silly, most of the time we’re up in the sky for everyone to see. But for this night, you needed to see them yourself.” I could feel my eyes tearing up as I looked around at the millions of moments that surrounded me in every color I could imagine. “We’re here to tuck you in and put you to bed.”

I’ve tried to sleep, I just can’t…

“Don’t you worry about anything. We’ll take care of everything.”

I felt myself lifted gently off my feet. I didn’t feel weightless, I felt supported. Held. I felt my bed, and the sheet being drawn over me. I opened my eyes to see every star in the room move towards me. In a brief instant it was too much emotion to hold. I wanted to cry, laugh, fight, and scream. But then, for the briefest moment; for one beautiful moment, I felt like myself.

It wasn’t long before I was asleep.