Pet Goblin Universe primer

(CW: goblins, diapers.)

Hello everyone, and welcome to this introduction to the Pet Goblin Universe! This quick guide will help you understand the basics of that particular setting you will find in my stories. By the end of it, you should have a better understanding of these little green babies and how they work. Let’s get to it!

Most people have a pretty rough idea of what a goblin looks like: small humanoids, approximately 3ft/1m tall, with green skin, a thin build, long ears and pointy teeth. They have been featured in many fantasy universes, from the cowardly backstabbers of Warhammer to the definitely more civilized engineers of World of Warcraft.

While every fantasy setting seemingly has a different take on the goblins, a few traits remain in many incarnations. Goblins are ingenious and sneaky, sometimes veering on cowardly; they are easily excited and will get into a frenzy over the simplest things; their everyday technology is primitive at best, but they tend to be great at cobbling together strange contraptions; they have a love for all things shiny and precious, especially if they make click-clack noises; they tend to live short, if interesting lives.

The Pet Goblin Universe takes a unique stance on goblins. Here, goblins have been living in the same world as humans for a long time, and have since been completely domesticated. They are integrated within human society and depend on it to survive. There are very few (if any) “wild” goblins left. Goblins have no independence outside of what their human “owners” allow them to have, and no proper culture of their own. And most importantly, they occupy a niche that is usually filled by cats and dogs: they are companions to humans in a way that is truly unique to them. Hence the name “pet goblin”.

Some time ago, I posted a meme picture that would be the basis for this entire worldbuilding: a Venn diagram with three circles, marked “Pet”, “Friend” and “Baby”. And at the intersection of these three circles stands the word… “Goblin”. Let’s have a look at each of these facets!

Goblins are pets

Goblins can broadly be compared to pets. They are selected and adopted by humans in order to keep them company at home. In exchange for a place to live and food, they offer their presence and affection.

Pets, as animals, are mostly governed by their instincts and what their own parents have taught them, and goblins are no different. There’s a reason why all pet goblins are attracted to shiny things and snacks that crunches under their teeth: they’re programmed to love that. Centuries of human cohabitation hasn’t been able to erase these instincts, wordlessly passed from mother to whelp for hundreds of generations.

Yet, pet goblins are a rather easy bunch to satisfy. Provide them with food and a safe place to sleep, keep them clean and in good health, offer them distractions and marks of affection, and they will love you until the end of days. That sounds like a lot, but most pet goblin owners are more than willing to deal with all of this, as the unbridled love they get in return is definitely worth it.

If you want a simple analog, think of goblins as cats. If a cat can do something, either amazing or silly, then a pet goblin would be able to do the same. But it’s not the only model that exists, and other unusual pets could be used as an inspiration. Ferrets are good examples, and so are opossums. (Have you ever dreamed of having a pet opossum? No? Just me?)

The point is: humans turned to goblins in order to satisfy a desire for companionship. They wanted little creatures that brought them joy, but weren’t quite so complex to deal with, like other humans or (gasp!) children can be. Pet goblins filled this particular niche, to the point of being in the top 3 of most loved pets in the world, alongside dogs and cats.

In fact, many humans in the Pet Goblin Universe still think of goblins as pets, first and foremost. Other owners, however, will argue that they are much more than that. Which leads us to our next point…

Goblins are friends

Goblins are not just animals. As humanoids that have lived on the fringe of human society for centuries, they are a lot more intelligent. More than sentient, they can probably be considered sapient: goblins have more in common with their fellow two-legged masters than with a golden retriever.

While it’s easy to dress the portrait of an “average” pet goblin (cheery, excitable, attracted to new things, mischievous), it’s important to note that every one of them has a distinct personality. In fact, it would be difficult to find two goblins who are alike, as they all have their own little quirks! Humans may be surprised to discover how two goblins can be different from each other, until they take care of more than one pet goblin in their life and the truth becomes obvious.

Because their personalities are so affirmed, pet goblins have a strong sense of self and are inherently social creatures. They need to interact with other people constantly, be it humans or other goblins. Within their circle of friends, they will form friendships, enmities, love stories… They spin a complex web of social interactions that is always evolving with every new person they meet.

As a result, goblins tend to form strong bonds with humans over time. It’s especially true if they don’t have the opportunity to interact with other goblins frequently: they will then focus their desire for socialization entirely on their owner. Since pet goblins tend to get attached to their owner above everyone else anyway, they have a reputation for being loyal and standing at their owner’s side at all times. Maybe a little too much, sometimes…

Pet goblins have their own language. It’s a rather crude language without any formal grammar, used between goblins to share their desires and emotions; it sounds mostly like a combination of yelps and screeches. Goblins have their own words for “hunger”, “danger”, “play”, “friend”, and many more things they may encounter in their life.

But more importantly, goblins are also able to learn the human language! And not only that, they’re able to speak it. Usually, they know up to a hundred words or so, and will use one or more at a time to communicate with humans. The smartest ones are even able to string together crude sentences by combining words together - sentences that make complete sense if you can fill the holes in their vocabulary. Imagine if your cat’s every meow was, in fact, a human word that you could understand, and you wouldn’t be far from what it feels like to live with a goblin! (Whether it’s a good or bad thing is up to debate, but it certainly cuts down on misunderstandings.)

Finally, there’s one thing you must remember about goblins: they are clever. Curiosity and adaptability are inherited traits that allowed them to survive in the wild without being driven to extinction. Goblins will quickly learn new things and adapt to new environments, even more so if they pool their knowledge with other goblins. Of course, that doesn’t mean that they are always patient enough to find the solution to a problem before they start hitting the problem with a rock. But it's common advice to never leave your pet goblin next to a lock without surveillance, because if they become curious about how it opens… Well, you’re good to buy a more complex lock!

It also makes them one of the few species capable of understanding the concept of a joke. Their cleverness combined with their mischievous nature will push some goblins to pull pranks on their owners - harmless little acts that allow them to get a good laugh at their humans! Some say that a goblin’s laugh after a successful prank is among the most infectious laughter in the world.

Although, while they’re able to learn extremely fast, there are a few things that goblins won’t ever grasp in their entire life. This is because…

Goblins are babies

Pet goblins are treated like babies by their owners. And that is not a figure of speech: they are literally cared for in the same way infants would be. This implies a lot of specific equipment and daily upkeep that falls on their owner’s lap.

Pet goblins have to be kept in diapers, not because they suffer from incontinence, but due to a general disinterest in the concept of “potty”. Whenever a goblin wants to go, they go. Some owners have tried alternative methods to get them to do their business in specific ways, but it’s an uphill battle that is never guaranteed to succeed. Every human looking to adopt a goblin knows they’re in for a lot of diaper changes. Fortunately, goblins don’t need as many clean-ups as an actual baby would, and you can get away with barely two changes a day if you’re lucky.

With bulky diapers come the assortment of baby clothes: onesies, shortalls, footed pajamas... It is usually frowned upon to not dress up your pet goblin, unless they’re at home or the weather is incredibly hot, but most owners would understand if you didn’t want to bother with pants. Therefore, it’s not unusual to see the little green tots rocking a “shirt and diaper” look in all circumstances.

Furniture is also catered to their needs. If they’re not well-behaved enough to sleep snuggled against their owner in the big bed, most pet goblins will spend the night in a crib, a pram or a cozy seat. A changing table or mat is a must, considering how much use it will get. But all owners agree the best purchase you can make for your pet goblin is a playpen: it’s a place where they feel safe, store all their toys and possessions, and (if you got the right model) a tiny containment zone they can’t easily escape when you need them to stay put.

Speaking of toys, pet goblins are easily excited and any toy fit for a toddler will be perfect for their entertainment. They particularly like toys that make funny sounds, like rattles and musical instruments, causing many headaches when they play with them for hours on end. Some TV programs and apps are made specifically for goblins, which utterly captivates them until they’re interrupted by something else. Truth be told, pet goblins are resourceful and not particularly picky, so they will play with a simple block of wood or their own imagination just as easily as they would with an expensive toy.

Their diet, unsurprisingly, is composed mostly of baby foods. Goblins are a sturdy bunch who can survive on very little nutrition in the wild, and some owners use that as an excuse to mostly bottle-feed their pet with a formula tailored for their needs. Others prefer to spoon-feed them a variety of purées and processed meats or vegetables. Some goblins are even clever enough to handle their own spoon. A varied diet is still recommended by veterinarians/doctors to keep them healthy. Pet goblins particularly like solid foods they need to munch on - those pointy teeth aren’t for show!

… You get the idea. In every conceivable way, pet goblins are treated the way toddlers would be. In fact, it’s been the case for so long that most humans, owners or not, simply cannot imagine pet goblins being something other than a green baby. Their role has been so firmly cemented in human society that entire industries of products (food, clothes, toys, diapers) and services (entertainment, nurseries, vet/doctors) depend on them being little pamper packers. It’s that big of a deal.

You may ask yourself: “But why are goblins treated this way if they’re so intelligent? It doesn’t make any sense to me!”. And to that I will answer… It’s a starting point for various ABDL stories and a way for me to live my caretaker fantasies. Don’t think about it too much! 😄

Goblins are all of that and more

When you take all of the previous points into account, it paints a surprisingly complex picture. Pet goblins are, in summary, incredibly clever and playful pets that have the same needs as infants. They are intensely social and loving, full of joy and funny quirks.

In addition, it’s rather easy for a human to connect with a pet goblin. Their inclusion within human society has made them more human-like than any other pet. While they aren’t exactly beautiful, they have enough human features to make them look ugly-cute and endearing, like a pug or sphynx cat. They do not bare their teeth in aggression, they smile when they’re happy; they don’t lick to show their affection, they give little kisses; they’re able to make their needs understood by talking instead of screaming. They are the most human of pets, which sets them apart from every other possible companion.

It bears the question: what do humans see in goblins that makes them want to adopt one, even if it means changing diapers for twenty years? It’s a complex question, but at its core, the answer is simple: adopting a goblin is like adopting a child that will never grow up.

Once a goblin reaches their adult age (which takes about a year), they won’t grow any bigger and their needs won’t evolve much. Sure, they will require new experiences to keep themselves entertained, but they won’t mature or change like an actual child would. There’s no obligation to teach them how to read, how to work or even how to use the potty. You don’t raise a goblin to become a functioning adult, you simply take care of them - and they reward you in kind.

Incidentally, this is why it’s rare for humans to have both a pet goblin and children. It would be pretty difficult to explain why one of them requires a complete education in order to grow and become independent, and the other… doesn’t.

On the other hand, this opens a world of possibilities for people who don’t (or can’t) have children. Adopting a pet goblin, be it on your own or with a partner, is akin to starting a family. You suddenly have someone who is intrinsically linked to you through the bonds of care and love. It’s the logical evolution of couples who proclaim their family has a “fur baby”, except a lot more literal baby and a lot less furry.

Pet goblins are popular with single humans, fulfilling a need for parenthood that they would have trouble to achieve alone. Another surprising demographic are middle-aged or older people, who have successfully raised children of their own and look for someone to keep them company now that the kids are grown-up and the house has become empty. And finally, some people just enjoy having their own little tribe of playful pranksters running around: their energy is contagious and they make life feel so much more alive!

Pet goblins embody the best aspects of early childhood. They’re energetic, curious and joyful like toddlers can be, but also soft, sleepy and adorable like months-old babies. Unlike infants, their sturdy nature makes them less likely to fall sick, making them much less stressful to deal with. And since their growth stops rather quickly, you won’t have to shop for new clothes every month to find something that fits them!

They mix this with a behavior that is simple to understand, needs that can easily be met, and that pet-like quality that you’re taking care of something that is not quite human. All these qualities have made pet goblins one of the most appreciated companions in the Pet Goblin Universe. Which comes to no surprise, since they give their name to it!

10 things you need to know about pet goblins

If there are only 10 things you need to remember about pet goblins before immersing yourself in this universe, well, would you look at that, here’s a handy list for you!

1. Goblins are a varied bunch, and they will vastly differ from one another, both in appearance and in personality. Eyes, ears, hair, skin color, even the presence of tails, horns and claws: every combination is possible!
2. Goblins are very social creatures and will bond easily with humans or other goblins, forming a “tribe” in the latter case. An isolated goblin who can’t interact with either will quickly fall into depression.
   
   
3. Goblins used to live up to 10 years in the wild, if they didn’t die accidentally before that. Pet goblins, being nurtured and protected from the harshness of the world, can live up to 20 years.
   
   
4. Goblins like to collect things, and most will focus on a single kind of item to stash in their lair. If you’re lucky, it will just be rocks; if you’re not, it might be your own pocket change…
   
   
5. Some people have tried to potty train goblins. It never ends well. It’s better to accept that you’ll have to change their diapers 2 to 4 times a day from now on.
   
   
6. Even if they are mostly fed baby foods, goblins have pointy teeth and a strong desire for crunchy things. If they don’t find it in what they eat, they might start to bite random pieces of furniture!
   
   
7. While goblins mostly act like babies, they seldom ever cry. Since they have other ways to communicate with their humans, they will use words and gestures to be understood, rather than simply cry for attention and hope for the best. They might still cry if they’re feeling great distress, which is usually a sign that something is very wrong.
8. Goblins sleep between 8 and 12 hours a day, and tend to synchronize their schedule with their owner. There’s a funny contrast between the neverending energy and excitement they display when they’re awake, and the deep sleep they fall into on a dime. They also look positively adorable when they snooze, and many pictures are taken while they’re down for a nap.
   
   
9. There’s an entire industry dedicated to entertaining goblins, who mostly enjoy bright objects, quick movements and rattling sounds. Some forms of media have become utterly incomprehensible to humans, but the goblins eat it up all the same. There’s even a 24/7 TV channel who specializes in this kind of content, in case you need to keep your pet goblin busy in a hurry!
   
   
10. As pet goblins are a handful to deal with, it’s pretty rare that humans will adopt more than one at a time. But if they adopt a few together, they will quickly form a brotherhood and take care of each other. This can even free some time for the owners, as the goblins will play together without the need for human intervention.

Some interesting tidbits

Finally, here are some bits of headcanon that came to me in the past few months as I was developing the Pet Goblin Universe. Not all of them are important, but they allow me to add some flavor to the basic concept.

• While it is possible to care for a goblin using only children’s supplies, as many owners do, there’s a parallel market of items that have been crafted specifically with goblins in mind. One of the most well-known examples are goblin pacifiers, which are made of hard plastic or wood instead of rubber. It allows the little critter to chew on it without ripping it apart in less than an hour!
• As some goblins are born with vestigial tails, they must be dressed with special diapers with a hole in the back to accommodate this appendage. Owners frequently complain how there’s a lot less choice of brands when looking for this specific kind of diapers.
  
  
• Recently, a brand of goblin-exclusive food has started to incorporate chlorophyll in their recipes, as a way to mitigate the smell of their mess and make changing times a lot easier on the nose. As the additive gave a green tint to most of their products, they quickly honed on the tagline “Green treats for your green angels!”
• There’s an enduring legend that it’s not the human who chooses the goblin, but the goblin who chooses their human. It’s somewhat based on reality: when a young goblin takes a liking to someone, they will follow them around like a duckling until the human notices. Many adoption stories begin with “I was walking around and I noticed this tiny goblin running behind me…”
• Goblins have a lower body temperature than humans, and don’t have any fur to isolate themselves from the elements. This makes humans inherently warm to their perception - which explains why they like to snuggle so much when the weather gets cold.
  
  
• If an activity contains blinking lights, loud music and amusing clicking noises, you can be sure your pet goblin is going to love it. That’s why coin pushers have become an almost exclusively goblin-played activity in fairs and carnivals. Carnies have adapted by providing high chairs in front of these machines.
  
  
• In some cases, humans will organize rotating “playdates” for their pet goblins among their social circle. That way, all goblins can make friends and socialize in a single house for an afternoon - while the other humans enjoy some well-deserved time of their own. The “rotating” part is essential so that no member of the circle experiences a burn-out from taking care of too many green toddlers for too long.
  
  
• As of late, it has become fashionable to give fantasy-inspired names to the little green ones. Some are classics, like Galadrielle, Aslan or Gilgamesh; others are more modern, like Ragnaros, Rincewind or Daenerys. In 2017, “Garrosh” was the most common name given to male goblins in the Western world.

We’ve reached the end of this introduction to the Pet Goblin Universe. I hope this will help you get a better understanding of what I'm trying to achieve in my stories, and will help guide you through future tales that will take place within it. Thank you for reading!